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Newest Member: ThrownAwayTwice (43226)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: what ifs vs what is
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BS I found myself stuck for a time in "what ifs"

What if he cheats again

What if he loves her

What if I can't do this...

Always living in the negative world of what the future may or not bring.

It was a waste of time and brought additional pain I didn't need to carry.

I began to switch my thinking and live my truth, my "what is"

What is true today is we have R'd. Whatever the future holds for us I will never know and I don't dwell on it. I know my truths, my what is...

I have a happy marriage today. We communicate, we trust we have fun and we love.

We work together through differences and support each other in our own personal growth.

I can take care of myself, I am a strong person, have made myself financially stable and able to be independant.

I will always be ok and I live with what is on my plate right now.

Sometimes I falter and worry about what will be. My kids futures, my grand-child.

When I do this and recognize it I go to my husband and we talk about it. I am always amazed at his ability to bring me back to the truths and what we have in front of us.

it's the only thing that is real.

The past is gone, I am living today and whatever tomorrow brings I know I am capable of living with what is...

Try it, let the what ifs go and live with your truth and what you have right in this moment. Everything may not be perfect, but you can work on what is in your control and navigate when the only thing on your plate is today.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3262 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
hurting7897
♀ Member
Member # 34761
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congratulations!!!!


Married 20 years
Me-BS-51
Him-FWH-46 "healing4us2"
2 kids, DD 12 and DS 16
D-day #1 Jan. 30,2012
D-day #2 April 12, 2012
D-day #3 April 15, 2012
June 24, 2012--Decided to R.
January 21, 2014-Forgave him! Life is sweet!

Posts: 226 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: united states
Neverwudaguessed
♀ Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you; that is a great approach to reduce the anxiety of the unknown that is always present for me since I found out about my husband's affair. I am going to try to change the way I think too!


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 326 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
alifeforesaken
♀ Member
Member # 41139
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

karmahappens - This sounds wonderful and I am going to try to do this. I find I get swallowed up not so much in the what ifs, but the have nots. Not that I don't recognize the have's, but I don't emphasize them.

I am slowly changing my mindset. My therapist to deal with anxiety told me when a negative thought happens, to take a second, recognize it and say, is this just a thought and what benefit to me will it have, then let it go away. I have been able to do it maybe 50% of the time, but I'm improving every day.

Thanks for this post, I need these little goals to get out of the funk.

[This message edited by alifeforesaken at 12:28 PM, February 7th (Friday)]


BW (31)
WH (32)
Children (1yr) (1 due Mar '14)
DD#1 - 9/28/13 DD#2 11/24/13

Posts: 84 | Registered: Oct 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't worry about the what ifs, or what may happen in the future.
I worry about putting the past into perspective.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”


Posts: 3672 | Registered: Dec 2010
PinkJeepLady
♀ Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Live in the Present" is something I have to remember often. It's true, the "what if's" will not only bring you down, but paralyze you from enjoying the "right now".

Thanks for the reminder!


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 459 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is coming slowly but surely. It takes a lot of courage to let go and turn around. I still feel my hand is gripping on as hard as it can to stay safe from hurt. Thanks for reminding us to let go.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1201 | Registered: May 2012 | From: South
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still feel my hand is gripping on as hard as it can to stay safe from hurt.

No matter where we end up after an A, S/D or R, you can never be safe enough to avoid hurt.

If you make yourself safe against being hurt what you are really doing is removing the true ability to love and be loved. Being vulnerable is such a big part.

It does take time. Protecting your heart until your WS is able to be trusted with it again isn't a bad thing, but when it's time to let go you need to, to fully heal and have a marriage based on truth, trust, love and respect.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by karmahappens at 1:07 PM, February 7th (Friday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3262 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
sadinlex
♀ Member
Member # 32047
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love this post.

Thank you karmahappens :)


me - BW him - WH
Together 23 years, Married 21
2 children 14, 11
Dday - 4/11/2011 double betrayal
"After the A, being honest and being a bitch are pretty hard to tell apart." - Ladyogilvy

Posts: 144 | Registered: May 2011
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was on my FB feed yesterday and I was going to post it as it was my mantra very early on post d-day. I had to keep reminding myself over and over again to live in the present, not dwell in the past, and to not worry about the future.
If You Want to Be Sad, Live in the Past. If You Want to Be Anxious, Live in the Future. If You Want to Be Peaceful, Live in the Now.
Thanks for a good and timely post, Karma.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8988 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
demonshide
♂ New Member
Member # 41824
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by demonshide at 10:06 AM, February 17th (Monday)]


Posts: 21 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Texas
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If You Want to Be Sad, Live in the Past. If You Want to Be Anxious, Live in the Future. If You Want to Be Peaceful, Live in the Now.

Perfect SMS, so true!!

Thank you.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3262 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 12

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