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Newest Member: helpmegetthrough (44949)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: how much talking is healthy?
namaste32
♀ Member
Member # 32848
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Overall R is going well. It has its usual ups and downs.But I do have a question. How much talking about the A is healthy? What i mean is that we are almost 4years out and qe still talk about it sometimes.I dont feel the need to talk about it over and over like I used to.I do know everything I need to know.When I trigger which is rare thank god he is there for me.if i have questions he patiently answers them.but he doesnt ever bring it up.should he? Or am i asking for too much after 4 years?or is it enough that he is always there for me ansd ia a competely changed person? For some reason i want him to bring it up all the time.when i tell him this he says he is sorry he doesnt think about it all the time.granted he has a lots of stress at his job and now we are also trying to open up our own business i do get it that this is nothis main focus.especially if he really did everything possible the past four years to become a better person and make me feel safe and good again.should i just dropp it and bring it only up when i feel the need? Any thoughts on that? Thank tou

Posts: 185 | Registered: Jul 2011
Kyrie
♀ Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, the A was a tragic event in my life. It was traumatic, it affected me in profound ways, and I will live differently because of it. I will never forget about it and I will never be able to ignore or pretend it didn't happen. It does't matter how much time passes. It's a part of my life story. How I perceive it, make meaning of it, or feel about it will certainly change over time, but the truth of what happened and the accompanying loss will always be there.

So I feel that to not speak of it betrays its significance in my life. My suffering matters. The work my H and I have done in R matters. And as a result, it has become a significant part of my story. I also think that to not speak of runs the risk of empowering the A itself -- i.e., we do not speak of he-who-will-not-be-named (ref Harry Potter's Voldemort) So name it. It happened. It is what it is. It shouldn't be allowed to become some taboo subject that's too dangerous or scary to talk about.

Ask your H how he feels about you bringing it up and talking about it.

I think that you talking about it, especially when you're triggered is a healthy response especially if your H responds in ways that are comforting. Sharing with him what's going on inside you gives him the opportunity to respond.

I think that the reason you want him to bring it up is this is one way you can have some assurance that he also gets the significance of it all. Is the tragic loss in your M significant to him, too?

I think it is healthy to talk about the A as much as you need. If your H ever responds in any way that is not conducive to your relationship, then you have cause to figure out if it has become an unhealthy thing to do.


Me: BW (47), WH (48)
Married 24 yrs, 2 teenagers
DD#1 01.20.12 When diagnosed w/STD
Told it was 15 mo. PA that ended 6 years ago
DD#2 04.06.14 Truth: PA was 2yrs/8mo
Separated for 6 weeks
Reconciling and healing now

Posts: 192 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We don't talk about it anymore. Not in any significant manner. It may come up in passing, but my need to talk about it is gone.

IMO you talk about it until you are done. There isn't a time stamp or a certain date...it happens when the rocks have all been turned over, examined and discussed.

I probably talked more than many. My husband answered, re-answered, handled triggers, my anger when we thought it was gone and everything in between.

If this ever happens

If your H ever responds in any way that is not conducive to your relationship

I would not question your needing to talk, I would question the WS's realization of the damage inflicted. Aside from a having a bad day moment, talking about the A, when I needed to was a given for us....as long as it took and until I was done.

You will know when you are done.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by karmahappens at 2:27 PM, February 7th (Friday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
namaste32
♀ Member
Member # 32848
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you guys.He always answers and re answers all questions.he handels all triggers really helpful at all the times.the problem i am having is that he doesnt talk about it unless i start.so if i dont say nothing about it for a couple of weeks he doesnt either.is that normal????

Posts: 185 | Registered: Jul 2011
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked my husband this....maybe a year ago? Not sure...and he said he doesn't think about the A or her at all. Has no need to talk about it.

I believe him, so if he doesn't need to talk about it thats ok as long as he accepts when I do need to.

Why don't you ask him if there is anything he needs to talk about or if he has closed the door on his pieces? It NEVER hurts to ask.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
namaste32
♀ Member
Member # 32848
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did ask him that as well.he said he doesnt think about tje A or her ever.he is now is trying to fix everything and wants to be a better H a better father just a better person period.which he is.no question about that.i want him to bring this up.idk maybe i wanna hear stuff like oh you know what i thought about thia all day today.because i have days where i think about it all day

Posts: 185 | Registered: Jul 2011
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we go through times of thinking about it all day because we need to fill in blanks and we wonder. As much as we ask and question, we weren't there.

I think they are better able to close the doors because there aren't any answers they don't have.

I want disgust to pass through his mind if it ever crosses it...so it's a good thing he doesn't spend all his time thinking about it...he would be constantly vomiting lol


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 7

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