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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: my living room is a trigger
demonshide
♀ New Member
Member # 41824
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by demonshide at 10:07 AM, February 17th (Monday)]


Married 17 yrs, 4 children, WH has had multiply, varied affairs, I am trying to put one foot in front of the other and believe God is with me.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Texas
Ambergray
♀ Member
Member # 40778
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had some advice, but I can only offer my support. I completely understand how you feel. I have not sat on my own couch for almost 8 months. I can be in the room, but refuse to sit where they sat together.

It's just so unfair when the AP has been in the marital home. It makes me physically sick. How selfish can you be? I'll never understand the thinking of someone in an A.


Me-38
WH-38
Dday June 2013

"What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you. Ralph Waldo Emerson


Posts: 95 | Registered: Sep 2013
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((demonshide)))

I'm sorry you are triggering. I know this isn't a 100% fix, but have you considered getting an area rug or new carpet, new couch, couch cover, etc...? Rearranging the room, maybe. Sometimes this can help. It can give a little peace of mind that what she saw in your home, no longer is there. You have new items, new memories, etc..

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:08 PM, February 7th (Friday)]


Posts: 35919 | Registered: Mar 2011
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate. My WH was even worse...when I was vacationing he invited MOW to my house and had sex with her in my bed...not to mention my car!

What did I do? Got rid of all of my bedroom furniture, linens, pillows....everything. Got rid of my vehicle and purchased a brand new one. When I learned that MOW went with my WH to select a new vehicle I immediately made him buy a brand new car as well.

I had zero interest in "trying" to reclaim what was mine, what was taken from me. I knew that nothing I did would change the fact that MOW's presence destroyed my home/car. Knowing that I could never live in that house again, I told my WH to find a new job in a new state. 6 months post Dday we moved 1600 miles away. I promise you, that eliminated many triggers.

It's absolutely horrible ~ I know. (((demonshikde)))

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 8:58 PM, February 7th (Friday)]


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2123 | Registered: Nov 2011
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fWS's sexcapades took place in our living room while I was away for work. The kids were sleeping upstairs.

I didn't step foot into our living room for months. I would lay on the floor outside the door and watch DS3 play.

I started going in for short periods of time to play with the kids. At one point it just stopped bothering me. I didn't push it it just kinda happened. Every once in a while it will still trigger a mind movie but its rare.

(((Hugs))). It will get easier.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2635 | Registered: Aug 2012
Crushed15Feb13
♂ Member
Member # 38846
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sitting right now in the bed they did it on for months, mornings before work while I was out of town. I made her repaint the room with me, we rearranged and got new sheets and bed spread.

It helps very little. I think a new house and bedroom set would help a little more, bu it's not reasonable to do right now.

Nothing's going to erase the sense of violation completely, but it helps to take some kind of action.

I'm sorry for your pain, I know what you're going through.


Me: BH, 54
Her: WW, 54 4 yr LTA
Married 31 yrs, 2 college age boys
DDay #1: 15Feb13 - LTA 2008-2013
DDay #2: 27Jan14 - ONS, same AP 2007 - turns out it was a 5 yr LTA
Trying to understand

Posts: 251 | Registered: Mar 2013
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My weekend country house is trigger. They used our bed and couch. OW even hid things for me to find so for about a month I kept finding things she intentionally left when she knew things were ending. That was extremely cruel and I burnt everything she left including her teeny tiny training bra.

We use the bedroom for storage and burnt bed sheets couch anything she touched. I broke glasses she used.

Are you sure they didnt use the bed. OW in our case pushed for that cuz she knew it would hurt me and she wanted him to D. Women know what this does to a wife.

It is such a violation when they let this negative energy into our home. And it makes R harder.

Honestly I wished I had caught her here and escorted her out the door with "babe". OW in my bed on my H is trespassing of the worst variety.

[This message edited by whattheh at 9:48 PM, February 7th (Friday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Zayda1
♀ Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We threw out bedding, sold the bed, sold the living room furniture, bought new carpets, built an extra bedroom, rearranged furniture, put up backsplash in our kitchen and still more on the list to do.

OW was my friend and had been all over my house. I am doing my best to not let it bother me, but some days it's hard to pretend.


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 466 | Registered: Apr 2012
demonshide
♀ New Member
Member # 41824
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by demonshide at 10:07 AM, February 17th (Monday)]


Married 17 yrs, 4 children, WH has had multiply, varied affairs, I am trying to put one foot in front of the other and believe God is with me.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Texas
creativecat
♀ Member
Member # 41728
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j from the living room part of this thread...but as to this:

for the first time I could really see that he was genuinely sorry for the pain he had caused, no excuses, no justifying, real remorse. I could see the pain he was in himself. Not that I want to see him hurting, not that I want that revenge, but the fact of the matter is that feeling bad about something is the way we know we did something wrong. All I want is for him to really understand what he did, what it meant to me, what it is still doing to me. When I know he understands the mess he made and then sees how much work it is to fix it, then maybe I can start to trust that he won't do it again. I hope so anyway.

...I think seeing them like this is essential to healing. At least it was for me. My fWH texted me the next morning, after a particularly grueling conversation, that he was "finally starting to understand the gravity" of what he "had done to me." It was at that point that I felt ready to R, and stopped looking for justice/retribution (which will never be found anyway!).

OK, back to living room/kids bedding: Don't the kids want new re-done bedrooms for their birthdays this year??

And wouldn't re-doing the living room be a lovely Valentine's/anniversary idea?


Posts: 89 | Registered: Dec 2013
mezmer
♀ Member
Member # 42406
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH had her in our house for days. Everywhere. I still have the same sheets, sheets she bought on his department store credit card, a couch she brought when she moved into a rental house with him, some dishes and such that she left behind when he kicked her to the curb, and who knows what else. I didn't bother getting rid of much, because I knew it wasn't going to do any good. I've been back with him for five months. These things trigger less and less.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Washington
MsRukia
♀ Member
Member # 40219
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel you. I bought new furniture, hung new curtains, and have a new rug in our family room. They were all over my house and we were friends too. I rearrange my bedroom, got new bedding, and got a new bed frame. It has helped me a whole bunch. I'm not triggering in my house nearly as often.


BS (34)
WS MisterP (37)
Together 14 1/2 years
D Day 03 Aug 13 EA & PA
D Day #2 01 Sep 13 continued EA & PA with OW
Slowly but surely finding my way.

Posts: 172 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Colorado Springs
totalheartbreak
♂ Member
Member # 41589
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW brought two APs into the house, into our bed. She claims nowhere else, but I have no reason to believe a single word she says. I've contemplated burning it to the ground but will likely sell it within the year. I bought the house so we could start our life together and she completely violated... everything.

All bedding has been replaced but I can't afford to replace furniture as some of it is still being paid off....

She doesn't seem to get that I can't go anywhere in what was supposed to be 'our' space without wondering what happened, when, and WHY?!?!? Not to mention the literally dozens of photos of us she paraded them in front of.

I never thought I could experience such pain.

[This message edited by totalheartbreak at 11:04 PM, February 8th (Saturday)]


Me: BH (30s)
Wayflost: WW (30s)
"Ever notice those that advocate anything for 'happiness' are perennially unhappy?"
time isn't what you think it is.

Posts: 158 | Registered: Dec 2013
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do your kids need exact replicas? How about letting them choose something new and exciting? Grandma's can be put away, safely in storage until you can handle it more.

I'd totally get rid of the pillows and such. Get an area rug and rearrange and repaint. Make him help. Make it a family project.

Is it a waste of money? Not if it helps ease your mind, no.

My husband gave his LTA car rides, but no sex in his car. Had he, the car would be gone. I burned his work pants and boxers because he fucked the AP's with them around his ankles and I washed them. Fuck that, get new pants dude.

Tho the AP's were never in our home, I changed our bedroom completely, just to rid bad memories. It did help, immensely.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 3:02 AM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bring the kids in with you, pop some popcorn and let them eat in bed! Make H clean the house- including some severe vacuuming in the living room.

Whenever I trigger- I simply pass it to WH. There is no reason at all why I should be sitting alone in my home upset about something he did. He can share in the misery so to speak- he can participate in making the home or environment more bare-able for me. He can work for it. When I trigger, I let WH know, and I give him something to do that will immediately make me feel better immediately.

As far as your kid's rooms- why get replicas? Take the opportunity to let them redesign their bedrooms! Do they want some new paint? Great- WH gets to do some painting to match their new sheets that they get to pick out. Until then- sounds like WH needs to do some laundry if any triggering blankets/sheets get dirty.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My couch is a trigger for me, if you know what I mean. Our MC suggested a smudging ceremony.

And here's an anecdote for you. On the subject of violations, I avoided my cat for two months because he was in the house while WW and OM were here. Poor cat. Looking back, it felt pretty stupid of me to avoid him because I love the little guy. We're buddies again.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
demonshide
♀ New Member
Member # 41824
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by demonshide at 10:08 AM, February 17th (Monday)]


Married 17 yrs, 4 children, WH has had multiply, varied affairs, I am trying to put one foot in front of the other and believe God is with me.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Texas
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that WH did not see OW in my current house, but on dday 4 years ago, he confessed to having a previous A with her 20 years earlier...to this day I don't know if he brought her to our house then...I am afraid to ask...we lived in that house for 20 years, raised our kids there...for the most part were happy there. I feel like I need to know if he took her there...if he showed her my son's room...if they were in our bed...one day I will have to ask. But, I have decided that as hard as it is, if he did bring her there, I will not let her presence in MY house...the house I loved ruin the memories we had regardless. I think about rocking my babies in that room, sitting with our kids and beloved pets in front of the fireplace, around the Christmas tree...I decorated every holiday and occasion...kids at the door at Halloween, running in and out of the house in the summer. I loved that house and my life in it and I will be damned if what he did and that insignificant woman will ruin those memories. I don't know if you have a lot of special memories in that room, but if you do, don't let them rob you of those and don't let them stop you from making new ones with your family.

Posts: 601 | Registered: Nov 2010
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 2:53 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H's study was a big trigger, where he and OW watched porn twice and had sex. I loathed that room. H knew how I felt, and suggested we remove the wall between the study and hallway to make a large open plan landing. It worked a treat. He threw out the chair they'd used long before I knew of the A. Swears it was only twice and he didn't want to have sex with her anywhere else in the house, or after the second time, despite me being away a lot and plenty of opportunities. Says it felt 'wrong' as it was our house I've gone through everything in the house. including photos, to remove any trace of her.

I think I'd insist on a total make-over for your living room. New carpets, paint, furniture etc etc whatever you can do. If he complains you can tell your H it's cheaper than a divorce!


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 230 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 2:58 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are awfully close to d-day, you will remember what you throw away, or what you keep, and what happened, so no matter what you do there is a lot of struggle to come.

Do what you need to do to get through each day now, burn or don't burn, throw or keep, just do what you need to do.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1017 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 21
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