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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Identity
NoGoodUsername
♂ Member
Member # 40181
Flame  Posted: 7:55 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a champion F'n compartmentalizer. I am so good at it I don't even know I'm doing it. I'm so good at it I can fool myself into thinking I'm a real person with feelings and actually in reconciliation with my wife.

I don't know who the hell I am. Tonight I'm trying to strip away old pieces of who I need to not be. Throwing away pieces of identity that I shared with my APs. and it's going to be a lot of baggage, we were close friends for six years.
Throwing away pieces of identity that aren't useful any more and are tainted. I need to strip down and start fresh. There needs to be so little that there is nothing left to stuff away in compartments. Clear out anything that casts a shadow or creates a crack. I can't afford any more compartments.

I can't stand myself any more. I thought I was good. I thought I was honest. I'm just a shallow liar. No more. no more no more no more

sorry, I'm losing it. stepping away now


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 252 | Registered: Aug 2013
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you can finally accept the bad parts of yourself and fuse them with the good, you become genuine and whole. Then you can move forward.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you can finally accept the bad parts of yourself and fuse them with the good, you become genuine and whole. Then you can move forward.

Couldn't agree more. Acceptance of the 'nasty' is the first step on the road to change.
Good job NoGoodUsername.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
seigexax
♂ New Member
Member # 42369
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this is a good thing once you realize what needs to change in yourself and to make yourself happy with who you are then you will be better and much stronger

Posts: 11 | Registered: Feb 2014
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't stand myself any more. I thought I was good. I thought I was honest. I'm just a shallow liar. No more. no more no more no more

These are great realizations. Not fun to realize this, but good that you see this.

Now that you see it, you can change it. My IC tells me that realization is an important step in changing behaviors. without self awareness, we are damed to repeat unhealthy behaviors.

Good luck!


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
pufferfish
♀ New Member
Member # 42636
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another expert compartmentalizer here, NGU. I feel your pain. It's like everything about one's self is an imitation, even when it might actually be real. It's scary. How can you tell the difference? All my life, I've had times of wondering if I'm a real person with real feelings, and feeling that I don't really exist. Like you, I became someone else with other people. It's easy to transform when it's how you learned to survive, and when your identity is unstable.

You can still be good and honest, NGU, and you probably have been - just not consistently. You can get better at being good and honest on a regular basis if you work at it, which it sounds like you are doing. You may feel like nothing more than a shallow liar right now, but I bet you're many good things besides what you've been in your worst moments. (And I bet you are harder on yourself than anyone else is.) We are all capable of great good. Just don't give up on yourself. You are worth it, okay?

I hear your pain, and I relate.

[This message edited by pufferfish at 6:00 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2014
NoGoodUsername
♂ Member
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the kind words. It has been nearly a month since I wrote the original message and I feel as though I am more in touch with myself and my flaws. Some healing and growth are happening, but it's not going to be instant, nor will it be painless. At least the path is getting easier to recognize when I stumble across it.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 252 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 7

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