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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Stupid Religious Hangup
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 1:37 AM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamboat - thanks you're right I am giving strangers too much headspace

Nature_Girl - I needed to hear this:

I bet you that most people, white or otherwise, don't really give a rat's ass about your marital status at all.
and you cruelly hit the NAIL on the HEAD. I am PRIDEFUL!!!! That's the root of everything I think. I just want to be able to say I succeeded on all fronts and raised 2.5 kids and was married for 50 years whatever the cost. I am so full of pride that choking down his shit feels better than letting outsiders know how unhappy I was? How did you defeat your pride?

SBB - you know how I feel then even as a heathen ! Sorry to hear about the vitiligo

Softcentre - thanks for the history. Sometimes I wonder if life was better when most people didn't divorce no matter what or if divorce is really a gift. I think about the "hardness of your hearts" statement and wonder if my heart is being to hard if you know what I mean.en have been cheating forever and only recently have we started divorcing them for it...

(((nekorb))) I hope things work out. May we both accept our realities!

pass - not going to t/j...not going to t/j....but my reasons are actually based in science....not going to t/j...
Religion is man made and largely a farce but God is physics...not going to t/j

Mom4ever - I can totally identify with you! I definitely went from trying to be the good little daughter to the good wife and mother and have shouldered most of the burden of caring for the household and my son, all the while trying to please my narcissistic hubby. Truth be told I'm not even sure if I know what I want out of life cause in so wrapped up in trying to please everyone else. Ugh!!! This year I'm gonna find myself.


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 937 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I wonder if life was better when most people didn't divorce no matter what or if divorce is really a gift. I think about the "hardness of your hearts" statement and wonder if my heart is being to hard if you know what I mean.en have been cheating forever and only recently have we started divorcing them for it...

Actually, historically it's only relatively recently that women were legally able to initiate divorce proceedings. And for a long time it was only for adultery...and they had to be caught in the act etc. So as we all know, it was very difficult to prove unless they admitted it. Whereas men were able to divorce their wives for millennia and much more easily AND keep the children. Then the wives would be destitute because there was no alimony & they were viewed as spoiled/shamed. So women simply had to suck it up and work very hard to stay married. Ugh!

Now it is true that it seems that some people are quite blase about divorce, some people seem to just want out without having to work at a M. But it's different when infidelity is involved. There's no easy way out of a M affected by infidelity, whether it's R or D...it's all hard work for the BS.

But only we who are in this horrid club really understand that. Find some friends who do. I've been 'adopted' by an older lady who went through this years ago. She's amazing and helps me keep my head held high. No-one thinks badly of her at all, in fact, she is well respected...and she went through it when it was much harder, culturally.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - my friend 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - EA/PA - 'Fat Bottomed Girl'


Posts: 769 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:07 AM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cannot be of service to others if I am not open about the path I've walked. I am strongly convicted, even more (now that I've lived with deceit) than ever before, to be open & honest with my life. I strongly identify with the major fuck-ups in the Bible. The people who totally screwed up? God used them to serve a higher purpose. So, I have clearly royally screwed up. The word my kids use would be "Epic, Mom". I am an epic screw up, but I have learned and continue to learn. By being open I can allow God to work in my life and turn my pain into a blessing.

Pride kept me living in sin (by tolerating my ex's debauchery & addiction & abuse) for far too long, and in fact my pride harmed my children (by exposing them to his uncontrolled anger & wrath). I won't let that happen again.

And you know what else? At church it is well known that I'm divorced and why (because I've refused to hide it). You would not believe the number of women who have privately caught me after church when everyone is mingling and quietly pulled me aside to confide what's happening in her life (or her sister, mother, bestie, whatever). I've had people confide in me their drug addiction & alcoholism. My church is not a mega-big church, so word gets around. One of the lay pastors who is a 20-something year sober alcoholic asked me to help form a support group for people who are recovering from addictions, abuse and other extreme hardships. I couldn't be a part of something like that if I'd hid the truth of my life.

I truly do not want to be perceived as someone who is unapproachable. People don't feel comfortable approaching someone who they think is going to judge them or can't understand their hardships. The disasters of my life, the cracks in my soul, they are what make me human and compassionate. If I am going to be Christ's hands & feet, if I'm going to serve as we are commanded to do, then I have to be open about my life. Right?

My ex's shame is not my shame. I screw up enough on my own. I'll deal with my own guilt & problems. He did what he did, I divorced him, I'm moving on. I am a new creation, aren't I?

So are you.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9320 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I truly do not want to be perceived as someone who is unapproachable. People don't feel comfortable approaching someone who they think is going to judge them or can't understand their hardships. The disasters of my life, the cracks in my soul, they are what make me human and compassionate. If I am going to be Christ's hands & feet, if I'm going to serve as we are commanded to do, then I have to be open about my life. Right?

That's exactly how I feel. There are those who have felt embarrassed on my behalf and would like me to feel like that, but I refuse to hide what's going on. I want something good to come out of all this. Thanks for putting it into words


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - my friend 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - EA/PA - 'Fat Bottomed Girl'


Posts: 769 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you considered attending DivorceCare? It is offered by many churches. Check the website here: www.divorcecare.org

It is a wonderful support group, and it might help you with some of the things you are dealing with.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7784 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 1:50 AM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

careerlady, sent you PM.

The divorcecare class at the church I attend starts Monday, and I'm signed up (well there are no signups as they don't want to keep records for obvious reasons). Can't wait, really need the support.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 610 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
Mom4ever
♀ Member
Member # 40516
Default  Posted: 2:57 AM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Careerlady)) I understand the shame. But there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. Know that the shame is coming from the enemy. I took my rings off after DDay eight months ago. My hand felt so weird and naked. My ring finger still has a very obvious indention around it. It's not dis colored, but it's just a groove that is not going away. It's clear that rings have been there a very very long time. What I think I want to do as soon as I have the money is buy me a nice mothers ring to wear on that finger. My husband does not have that place in my life or heart. My kids are my focus and priority. I just don't have the money to get a mothers ring yet. I have been looking tho. That will put a ring back on that finger, it will cover up the indention on that finger, and each time I look down and see it I can think of my three precious gifts from God that I would not have had if not for going through all of this with my STBXH. And as I'm sure we would all agree, I would do it again just so I could have them.

I get a devotional emailed to me daily. And I would like to share the one I got on Valentines Day. It has really struck me obviously since I'm still thinking about it a week later. It's Isaiah 54:5-6. "For your Maker is your husband - the LORD Almighty is His name - the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; He is called the God of all the earth. The LORD will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit - a wife who married young, only to be rejected, says your God." I so needed that last Friday and have thought on it all week. I am not alone and my kids are not alone. I have and always will have Him as my husband and my kids will have Him as a father. This scenario has been going on for as long as time has... couple falls in love and marries very young, they have children, etc., but then after the wife spends her life caring for this man and the children they have been given, this man just decides to walk away... The wife is blindsided and deserted and feels abandoned and rejected. So this is nothing new. God has been dealing with it for a very long time and He knows how to handle it. He will take care of us wives and our children. And I don't mean to leave the betrayed husbands out. He will take care of us all. I just was so struck by this devotional. It spoke to me and maybe it will bring some comfort to someone else. It basically told me He has seen all of this before, He will take care of me, He knows what He is doing, and it's not my fault. I guess that was the big one. I have been struggling with the guilt of "divorce", the thing God declares He hates, that's what I filed for... But getting this was like Him saying it's ok, this has been happening for a long time, you didn't do this, you had this done to you, and I will see you through it.


BW - me 43
WH - 45
M - 22.5 yrs
D-Day - 6/13/2013
2 DS and 1 DD
Divorcing
There are some things that "sorry" just doesn't fix... But I never even got a "sorry."

Posts: 94 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southeast
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Buy a different ring for the left hand. It will be YOUR ring and people won't know if it is a wedding band, or not. Make the picking out, and deciding, an enjoyable experience for you.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 347 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mom4eve - thanks for sharing that verse. I needed that today.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have


Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take h


Posts: 1743 | Registered: Aug 2013
BAB61
♀ Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been going to DivorceCare since Dec 18th, 2013. We had a few weeks off due to weather. I'm learning a lot from it. I am also on-line with COSA (a 12 step program to help me heal from STBX's SA). I also just joined Recovery Nation. I'm also in IC.

I am bound and determined to come out of this a better person. I have become passive/aggressive in response to STBX's behaviors. Now I have to stop that behavior and recover.

I agree with Nature Girl about using this time in my life to help others. I'm totally open with people about what is going on. As my friend who initially helped me after D-Day#1 said "You will be OK, whether you D or R, you will be able to use your experience to witness." I fully believe there is a reason for all things. I don't care if you call it Karma, Divine Provenance or sheer coincidence. All things that work for good are good!

I had issues with D. I was also prideful, D was not happening to me, not in my lexicon. That was when I thought my STBX had the same conviction and morality. Obviously that is not true. He lacks a moral compass !!


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GotPlayed - how did you find this old post? I'm grateful for the new additions though! My schedule is so erratic it's hard to go anywhere regularly though. I looked into one in my area and it's on Sundays. On Sundays I am either caring for DS or working.

Mom4ever - that's a beautiful sentiment and your faith is inspiring! I like the idea of a mother's ring!

Alphakite- you know I keep vacillating about getting a ring for that finger. When I still had my wedding ring on but had already filed for D I regretted it's presence when I saw a cute guy not that I'm anywhere near dating but I dunno about closing the door for decent men, heehee (although getting one would keep me honest). Maybe I'll look around and see if a ring catches my eye. I've got like 3 from this marriage too thanks to D Days

Bab61- I somehow feel better knowing others were as prideful as I have been (still am?). Anyone I have told about the marriage so far I make sure they know he's a serial cheater who I gave multiple chances to. But I know I'm telling them so I can show how seriously I took my marriage, not because I'm shameless and trying to help others, so I need to get to a different head space on that



Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 937 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Topic Posts: 31
Pages: 1 · 2

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