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User Topic: First weekend wthout my kids
iamsoblind42
♀ Member
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So it has been exactly 4 weeks since DDay. I filed 5 days later. We have done all paperwork, custody agreement, parenting plan, division of assets etc. and this weekend is my first weekend without my kids as we are trying to abide by our parenting plan. THIS SUCKS!!! I feel like I am being punished and I did nothing wrong. It makes me want to R as I want my kids, I want my family but I don't want my lying, cheating $$s of a WH. He has shown no remorse or attempt at R since the day he moved out which was 2 days after DDay. Part of me is really sad and angry he has not tried but the other part is thankful as it gives me time to realize he is an absolute worthless piece of $hit! How do you get through the weekends? I am losing my mind!!! I just feel so alone.


I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 42
WH: 48
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched


Posts: 209 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 4:49 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has shown no remorse or attempt at R since the day he moved out which was 2 days after DDay.

This is what I experienced, too, and it has helped me firmly believe that I did the right thing. In theory, if I had stayed with my xWW, my kids would have seen a different me. They would have seen my frustration with my XWW's attitude and behavior (lying, cheating, no remorse) Now, they see me as me, at peace with myself and happy.

So, how do you get through the weekends without your kids? You learn to do it. It's unfair to you and them, but you can learn to deal with it, as long as your H is being good to them when they are with him. You can accept that this was forced onto you and them, and you can (hopefully) successfully coparent. And, you will hopefully start to see some of the positives. I'll post a list of the positives I have started to see, if it would be helpful.

What are your custody arrangements and are you comfortable with them?

[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 4:52 AM, February 8th (Saturday)]


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 963 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
totallyconfused1
♀ Member
Member # 42030
Default  Posted: 5:02 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow - this has all happened so fast for you. Not much time to absorb everything.

I get how you would feel like you are being punished, and feel like he should be the one punished. He did this and ended his family, not you.

After a while it will get easier.

This is the time to do all the things you wanted to do, but couldn't because you were too busy taking care of his sorry ass ...There must be some activities you used to do that stopped after M and kids. Try something new. Join a gym, a hiking club, a cycling club, craft club, photography club, whatever it is you enjoy. Keep busy. Take a class. Make a plan with some friends. Do something for YOU!

Obviously it's the first weekend and you probably don't feel like doing any of this yet, but make it a promise to yourself that your next weekend without them, you will have a plan. For you!


Me - BS
Him - WS
DD Jan 8 2014

Posts: 83 | Registered: Jan 2014
Sadmumma
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel for you.... He's tKing 5 of them in 2 weeks overnight. Not sure exactly how that will work as he's sleeping on a friends couch.....

I need to be confidant my girls are safe before ilet them go.. Not with him.... But with the roommate


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
Sadmumma
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll post a list about the positive things

ID,ove to read it, if you have the time


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
StuckinNJagain
♂ Member
Member # 42140
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel for you too. I have been reluctant to kick WW out because of the same issue. I have always been with my kids just about every day of their lives and I just cannot bear the thought of not being with them on my only 2 days off dring the weeks. I am scared as hell of that prospect as I am with at least one of them at every moment. Yes, it gets crazy sometimes but I would not have it any other way. As a child of a single/absent parent since I was 2 I now all too well what it is like and it really physically hurts me to think of missing just 1 day in their lives.


BH-46 (me)
WS-44
DD-16
DS-12
First Dday-2/09
Sec Dday-1/14
Married 17 yrs. Together 26

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NJ
Sparkle0504
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know that "being kind to you" stuff that everyone bangs on about on SI? Now's a really good time to put that into action (and help pass the time without your kiddies).

When my 1st husband and I split, I took the time without my children and made it into a fest of exercise (I adore swimming and had little time for it with my small son around), super long walks with my dog, coffee/drinks with friends, etc, etc) and getting my nails done - I'd never done that before.

Apart from how it made me feel, my kids also got a refreshed and smiling mum greeting them when they came home

I remember my first weekend with them at their Dad's and it seemed like an eternity, but so long as where they are going is indeed safe, it's more than ok to start to enjoy a little "me" time and see it as less of a punishment. It does suck, but it also gets better.


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 235 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to find a way to fill your time. I read books, started doing volunteer work, made plans with friends and family, and eventually started school.

It is a shock, but time will eventually help...


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4187 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IamSoBlind,

Here's my list of positive things about having your kids be away part of the time.

But first! Let me just affirm your statement that this "SUCKS", because it does. There is plenty of room for anger and disappointment in all of this, because we didn't get married and have children with the expectation that it would turn out like this.

But, it has turned out like this, and it wasn't our doing.

(For the record, my xWW has the kids three weekends per month. I have them the rest of the time. So, my list of positives is based completely from my point of view (my children's ages, my custody arrangement, my circumstances, etc.)

POSITIVES:

1. KIDS NEED THEIR MOTHER AND FATHER: My children are young (ages 4 and 7). They need and deserve some time with their mother. The weekends that they spend with her are important for their emotional health. If at any point I felt like they were not being nurtured, or weren't receiving love, or weren't being well-cared for by my xWW, I would feel differently. But, as it turns out, she is actually being a better mother now than she ever was when we were married. (She was never very maternal and the kids drained her more than energized her. Now, in short bursts, it just seems to work better for her…….and the kids. She's more present now, would be another way to say it.)

2. A CHANGE IS AS GOOD AS A REST:
My kids seem to be comfortable with spending the weekends with their mother. They still have consistency and predictability, because it is a set schedule. But this "change" from being at my house to being at their mother's house seems to be positive for them, in many ways, a lot like the old saying, "A change is as good as a rest."

3. WE GET TO MISS EACH OTHER.
This may sound odd, but we do get to miss each other, but JUST a little bit. When I pick them up on Sunday afternoon, they are really happy to see me, and I'm really happy to see them. We have missed each other a bit, but not too much.

4. THEY GET TO SEE THAT I WILL NEVER LEAVE THEM. This may seem a bit counter intuitive, but hear me out on this one. My xWW left our family when my son was 2 and my daughter was 5. She moved out. Point blank. She had no remorse, etc. We divorced quickly, like you are doing. The bottom line is that my children had to see their mother leave them. By me taking them to their mothers on the weekend and then returning to pick them up week after week after week after week, they get to learn that I am reliable as a parent, I am always there for them and I will NEVER, EVER, EVER leave them. I tell them this, and I show them in many different ways. I love my children the way a parent is supposed to love their children.

5. BEST OF BOTH WORLDS.
I believe that my children have a better home environment without my wife at home with us. She didn't contribute much, really. She just wasn't a very good mother. But, as I mentioned before, she is now a better mother. So, the kids get to experience her on better terms. When they are at home with me, they get to see a better me, because I'm not having to deal with my xWW not being a good mother, being selfish, spending too much money, making bad decisions, etc. They do get the best of both of us now, although I would never have even considered this as a way to get there, if you will.

6. I GET A REST.
When Friday afternoon rolls around, I'm about spent. I get to rest a bit, wash clothes, clean the house, buy groceries, mow the lawn, watch a movie other than Troto or Dora the Explorer or Jake and the Neverland Pirates. I can catch up on some work, take my time reading on the SI web site and writing a post or two, both very therapeutic for me, and one day, I might even do something fun again! First things first, though. I'm still in survival mode, in many respects, but I am surviving.

7. THE KIDS ARE GETTING TO LIVE IN THE TRUTH You know the old thing about a couple waiting until their kids get out of high school or college before the couple gets a divorce? They do that "for the kids". I just talked with someone on Friday and shared with her my story of my wife's infidelity and our subsequent divorce. She told me that her parents didn't divorce until she was 27 years old and it was DEVASTATING to her. She has had to recalibrate her entire life, because she realizes she was not living in a truthful environment. She said she thought it was a blessing to my children that this happened so early in their lives, and I agree. (That is, if it had to happen, now is better than later.) The kids are getting to see me for who I am and their mother for who she is, in an authentic environment. ONE DAY, they are going to learn the truth about what their mother did and why she and I were divorced. Even if we didn't tell them, they would find out. They just would. But, I am going to be sure that they know, and I am already planning how to handle that conversation with them. It will be painful for them to learn that their mother did what she did, but it is one of my biggest challenges in life right now, as I see it, to help mitigate the impact that has on them. Having them spend time with her on the weekends will help them learn who she really is, and I believe will help them handle everything better, when they do find out. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm hopeful that I'm right.
------------------------------------------

So, IamSoBlind, are you buying any of this?! It's truly how I feel. I wouldn't bullshit you about that.


I am so sorry you are hurting and missing your kids. You didn't deserve this and neither did they. I do truly believe though, that there are some positives in it.

Best to you,

NMAI



Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 963 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
iamsoblind42
♀ Member
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone and NMAI I love your list.

Just got back from breakfast with a friend and I am going to get a facial later this afternoon and go to a cooking class tonight.

My WH has kids 1 full week and a weekend each month. I have the rest. I have already planned a trip for the first full week. When I get back I start a new job so I won't always be able to jet away but at least the first one will be easier.


I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 42
WH: 48
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched


Posts: 209 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
wanttogoforward
♀ Member
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blind... you are amazingly strong. You knew what your deal breakers were and didn't back down.

The first weekend is the absolute toughest! I had a "first" weekend many years ago when H walked out on us without much warning. We had been married about 7 years at the time and had two small kids. I honestly am still confused and think there is more to that story than I ever found out about or that he would admit to (we are still M after is last EA in 2009).... anyway......
That first weekend was sooooo lonely for me. I didn't communicate at all that weekend with anyone other than my sister, and that was short. A neighbor took me out for a drink (insisted)and then I sat in the house and was alone sitting up in the living room lost and lonely. I didn't sleep at all.... I was not even tired... I think I was in shock and didn't know what to do. I never told him about that night.... how horribly lonely and missing him I was... we did manage to R after that, but I wish I knew the entire story.

The fact that you are able to function at all is amazing to me! You are one strong woman to me to be able to do anything other than sit on the floor curled up in the fetal position.


Posts: 1184 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
Topic Posts: 11

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