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User Topic: What hurts more the lying or the actual cheating?
Howie
♂ Member
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At the time of the Discovery,I guess about 60% the sex, 40% the lying because I could SEE (mentally- and what a shock) the sex --and there was lot's of it. But fast thereafter, it's that you were valued at a lie. More livid than the sex, the memory of I what I actually saw, her to me ever beautiful face, looking me full in the eyes,smiling --and lying, many times. I can't even today "compute" that image. I can't understand it.The sex-- we had great sex, the uncondoned sex is the least of it, the lies 90%-hardest thing to get over and forgive.When I had never lied to her.

Posts: 177 | Registered: Jan 2014
Gumdropped
♀ Member
Member # 40798
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me the lying for sure because I caught him lying not once but at least 4 times before DDay. Found him on Match.com confronted, got off site. Month later found he was on Seniorpeoplemeet.com. Confronted and MOVED OUT. We talked and I came back. Then the lying kicker that brought DDay. He made a date in a city he was going on business to with and EA partner that I found out had been going on all of the 16 months we had been together. Then when he does NC with her I find another EA woman that he was trying to shake off. She didn't get the hint until I e mailed her myself and told her to back off. He lied to them too, they didn't know about me. Lies lies lies lies .... And I still look at him some days and wonder who he really is .......


Me: 56
Him: 60
Together 2 1/2 years


Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013
R


Posts: 193 | Registered: Sep 2013
Mom23DC
♀ New Member
Member # 42382
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely the lying. I have caught WH in lies even about the most random, unimportant things in the past. I always wondered if he was lying about stupid, little things what big things could he be hiding? Guess now I know. As I have learned more details I think it has been most damaging that he has lied or covered things until directly confronted about specifics all along the way. In my case the PA occurred years ago, I am only learning about it now because of the EA (if that's what it was). It's the lying my that has my focus right now.


Me = BS
Dday EA? (texting/chatting) 1/18/14
Dday PA (from 5 years ago) 2/3/14
Married 15 years, 3 DC

Posts: 11 | Registered: Feb 2014
IsthereEVERanend
♂ Member
Member # 42216
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its the lying of someone you have trusted with your life originally. If the lies didn't exist, neither would the affair.


Me: Older than dirt
FWW 63
DD 8/1990 She confessed to a 2 month ea/pa
Asked forgiveness but volunteered to leave. No way was I going to give her the boot

The eight most feared words used together in the English language: We need to talk. Th


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Utah
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me it is one in the same. Both hurt fully 100 percent to me.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 895 | Registered: Dec 2013
ladycody
♀ Member
Member # 41401
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They hurt me in completely different ways. The reality of the act grosses me out...potentially put my health at risk...indicated a lack of concern for my feelings...took away some of what was special about us...he shared a part of himself that I thought was mine and mine alone. The lies made me not trust him...his ability to be honest with me. I think the act itself would be easier to deal with emotionally if I could approach it as a mistake of epic proportions as opposed to a conscious decision to lie repeatedly and with intent....the lies are what truly endangers our ability to rebuild. So with regard to the pain caused...probably 50/50...with regard to the impact on our future...90% lies and 10% cheating?


Me 47
WS 41
M=16 years

Posts: 130 | Registered: Nov 2013
obliquestrat
♂ Member
Member # 42165
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

90/10 seems a bit much, 80/20 seems about right. I'll go with 85/15 lying/cheating.


ME: BS 36 - HER: WS 33
TOGETHER: 2001 - MARRIED: 2008 - KIDS: 2 (3 and 1)
D-DAY: 1/6/2014 (accidentally discovered 3M EA which had developed into sexting, makeouts, tickets for biz trip to Disneyworld)
R, IC, MC, NC (coworker)

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jan 2014
annb
♀ Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Both hurt to the core equally.

But the continued TT'ing was prolonged torture and torment on top of infidelity hell.


Posts: 7471 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The betrayal and disrespect is what has caused me the most pain. The cheating came first then the lying and deceiving followed close behind.

Cheating 51 Lying 49


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 535 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
CantLoseHope
♀ Member
Member # 42356
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, I would say its 50/50 for me...... but its also hard to say.
I also think the type of cheating it is plays a big factor in this as well, are there emotions involved, is it a long term A....etc.


"A tree falls the way it leans.....be careful which way you lean"


Posts: 172 | Registered: Feb 2014
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Both, as they did it on purpose to fulfill their own selfish needs and fool us in the process.

Posts: 2166 | Registered: Mar 2011
LearningToFly
♀ Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband has abandoned me many times in our marriage. To me, his cheating was just another abandonment. (It was emotional not physical so that may be why I think this way.) The abandonment hurt a lot because our family was going through hell and he took the easy way out so he would'nt have to deal with it but he could still look like he was "an involved parent." That is typical of him though. He hasn't cheated before but when the going gets rough, which happens in every relationship at times, he finds a way to disconnect emotionally and runaway while looking like he is there.

The lying is the worst part for me. Because of his lies, I cannot trust him with anything. I doubt his word no matter what comes out of his mouth. He showed himself to be very good at not only lying to me, to our friends, family and counselors but especially to himself. He still lies to himself constantly. I see it clearly now. I don't believe most of what he says anymore. I don't respect him. I am not safe with him if I let myself trust. I am not sure how we will be able to have more than a friendly relationship from here on out. He is going to counseling, so he could become aware of what he is doing. So far, he hasn't but as long as he is going, there is hope.

If we end our marriage, the lying will be what causes the death of our marriage more than the cheating. The cheating has stopped. The lying has not.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

50% lying
50% cheating

His cheating wasn't just physical, though that is bad enough. It's the I love you's, and the depth of their EA that hurt me the most. Knowing that while I was still very much in love with him, he was falling in love with someone else.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling


Posts: 749 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Oldernotwiser
♀ Member
Member # 36408
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

80 o/o lying, 20 o/o cheating. It's hard for me because as others said there were lies about so many things. Some of them just weren't important enough to even lie about, then the big things he lied about just make me sick. It's like his first response is to lie, what would make a person do that.? He also turns every discussion around and attacks me. We have rarely in 35 years ever resolved a single issue, I think the lying all plays into the inability to communicate and resolve problems.
I don't think I know who he is because of the basic dishonesty.
Physical cheating sucks but not quite like the dishonesty that makes you crazy


Me BS 54
WH 55
Married 34 years
2 grown sons
2 PA ? EA's didn't develop due to discovery

Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest USA
kellys2014
♀ New Member
Member # 42306
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmm. Can I say both?

The lying hurts more, definitely. If it was just sex, not emotional attachment, I could understand it more. A one night stand would be painful, but a real live relationship - and all the lies of omission that were involved - is what stings the most.

But I think the cheating (sex) definitely hurts. After reading texts and seeing super special photos of her anatomy, there are things I can no longer imagine doing with my husband. Ever. Certain acts that were part of our regular routine, closed for business. I just don't know how I could ever be intimate with him again after knowing that he's been screwing a younger, smaller, prettier woman. How would he not be comparing?

I can definitely imagine running out and sleeping with a hotter man with a larger penis and then sending him a photo, however. Very unladylike, wouldn't ever actually do it, but I can imagine doing it.


Me: 36
WH: 44
DS: 7
DD: 5

His AP: 24, former family friend and babysitter

Married 11 1/2 yrs

D-Day: 2/1/2014 3 month PA, 24 months sexting


Posts: 43 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Washington
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Finding out that he cheated was so incredibly painful, I saw him as weak but I still thought I loved him. Unraveling all the lies made me realize I didn't even know him, the man I loved never really existed.

The lies all the way!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
lostandhurtstill
♂ New Member
Member # 42006
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely the lies, because it snow balled and led to learning of many lies, some of which would have not mattered. It has made me question the foundation of our marriage and whether my feelings and what I wanted EVER mattered to her. I know she would have continued the lie had she not slipped up and had I not pushed. The TT was more lies and continued to show a lack of respect for me and what I wanted. It's sad to realized the person y loved and trust more than anyone ever before could lie, hurt you so badly and keep information from that she believed would effect a major life decision for you at a time when you had the rest of your life ahead of you. It sucks to know that this person actually need up being the one who betrayed and hurt y in the worst way imagineable.

That being said, the cheating still hurts but not the same degree. It hurts more so because I wonder if making love to me really meant anything to her then if she could jump into bed with a total stranger she had just met and had no intentions of dating.

It just sucks!


Posts: 24 | Registered: Jan 2014
lostandhurtstill
♂ New Member
Member # 42006
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely the lies, because it snow balled and led to learning of many lies, some of which would have not mattered. It has made me question the foundation of our marriage and whether my feelings and what I wanted EVER mattered to her. I know she would have continued the lie had she not slipped up and had I not pushed. The TT was more lies and continued to show a lack of respect for me and what I wanted. It's sad to realized the person y loved and trust more than anyone ever before could lie, hurt you so badly and keep information from that she believed would effect a major life decision for you at a time when you had the rest of your life ahead of you. It sucks to know that this person actually need up being the one who betrayed and hurt y in the worst way imagineable.

That being said, the cheating still hurts but not the same degree. It hurts more so because I wonder if making love to me really meant anything to her then if she could jump into bed with a total stranger she had just met and had no intentions of dating.

It just sucks!


Posts: 24 | Registered: Jan 2014
jpumpkin
♀ Member
Member # 42148
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The betrayal was initially more painful, but the lying was more damaging. I think I've healed from the cheating more than I ever will from the lying. And even though cheating is lying, when it went from lies of omission to looking me in the eyes and lying. .......I just don't know if I'll ever get over that.

Posts: 56 | Registered: Jan 2014
Gomphus
♂ Member
Member # 29779
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me the year of false R and hysterical bonding did more damage than anything. It was far easier to process that exW had gone out of the marriage, fell in love, and gotten herself into that situation. I can understand that. What I can't get is how she dealt with me while she was trickle-truthing me. She was mean, protective of OM, and basically turned into an incredibly hostile person. She became someone I didn't know. And the HB on top of it, was part of a system that kept me thinking there was some hope. I really hit the bottom trying to make it work. Finally, MC told her she needed to give me a divorce and that allowed me to let go.

But processing that year of what I call abuse has been the most difficult to resolve these past 3 years. It's pretty easy to understand how a series of bad choices made during the difficult child rearing years of marriage can lead to infidelity and divorce. What is harder for me to understand is how someone can take all of the negative energy and soul searching associated with that choice and impose it on the person they married to make their own pain go away. That is more nefarious. I understand the same need to protect themselves, I get that, but that a person could do it, and show no remorse for it, ever, kills me.

Fortunately she has come around and doesn't treat me like that any more. She has never shown remorse or apologized or anything, but at least she's civil. I feel, deep down, these are all self preservation techniques people do when they simply cannot deal with what they have done - so they pretend it never happened. In the end, it was easier for me to accept that than to fight it. And that has allowed me to move on.


me - 41 BH
D'ed
Surviving

Posts: 425 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: VA
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