Topic: What hurts more the lying or the actual cheating?
Member # 40664
| Posted: 6:15 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014|
I agree with jpumkin.. The sexual & emotional betrayal is more painful, but the lies are more damaging. Lying while looking directly in the eyes of a crushed BS is just selfish & cruel.
BW - 46 (me)
WH - 48 Ladyslove
Don't know if I can live with it.
Posts: 90 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 41666
| Posted: 6:49 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014|
Would be interesting to take the time to average male/female responses on this. I'm surprised many males actually hate the lying more than the cheating:
For me 2% lying 98% cheating.
Another thing I hate. Being a male victim on this board, seems to be a considerable minority here. The shit just never ends, eh?
[This message edited by Justgreatnews at 6:51 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]
Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
♂ New Member
Member # 41940
| Posted: 8:11 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014|
I'm going to add that I was hurt more by my WS blaming me for the breakdown of the marriage and for her affair as a result.
Posts: 10 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 36827
| Posted: 8:11 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014|
Yeah, the emotional rape and sex aspect hurts to the core as a man, but what ended my M with absolute certainty and conviction, was the lying with malice, namely the extreme gaslighting of me.
MY exWW POS bitch wantonly, and with such ease made me look completely crazy in the eyes of my poor DD many times... For the endless emotional suffering she laid upon my DD, allowing her to live in agony because of her soul destroying choices of a true COWARD, she can rot in hell. I hate her for that, and feel no shame/guilt in saying it.
D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
One DD 19
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!
The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...
Posts: 652 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 41229
| Posted: 10:32 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014|
It's not a zero-sum game. For me, it's 100% cheating and 100% percent calculated deception; either one is unacceptable.
married 15, together 17
WW had a 20-month EA/PA
Status: separated and divorcing
Posts: 2 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 26928
| Posted: 10:47 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014|
I can accept that the cheating was a bad decision (note, I didn't say a mistake).
However, the lying on top of it? That just compounds the bad decision exponentially.
So for me:
Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...
DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats
WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs
I edit often for clarity.
Posts: 6526 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Member # 40699
| Posted: 5:17 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014|
WH didn't have a PA or ever tell the OW he loved them so the cheating wouldn't have been that painful. It was all the emotional and psychological abuse that hurt the most. Not only lying, but the gaslighting and accusations against me as well. I was so busy defending myself and feeling guilty that I couldn't see what he was doing. So much abuse to cover up something so insignificant.
99% emotional abuse
Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."
Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Member # 41139
| Posted: 7:53 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014|
I think I was closer to 50/50 early on, but I'm probably about 85 lying, 15 cheating right now. The lying is so difficult, but I'm still pretty hurt by the actions as well, and more so the emotional part then the physical part.
Children (1yr) (1 due Mar '14)
DD#1 - 9/28/13 DD#2 11/24/13
Posts: 84 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 31656
| Posted: 11:43 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014|
About 50/50 for me.
The cheating/sex was worse to think about at first. I might have been able to get over that part with time and remorse. The lying is what made me end it file for D.
[This message edited by Decimated at 11:43 AM, February 10th (Monday)]
Me -BH 48
D Day #1 9/09 (found out about friendship, she promised NC...she lied)
D day #2 1/11 (found out EA on going...she lied)
D day #3 4/11 (found out EA was a PA...still lying)
M 16 years, 3 kids
Divorced - 1/13
Posts: 106 | Registered: Mar 2011
Member # 30079
| Posted: 11:51 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014|
What hurts more the lying or the actual cheating?
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.
Posts: 1908 | Registered: Nov 2010
Member # 42198
| Posted: 12:27 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014|
The lying is about 90% for me. He still hasn't admitted to anything that I haven't confronted him with. It makes me wonder how much more I don't know.
Together 11 years
Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Ohio
Member # 42421
| Posted: 1:37 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014|
It all hurts beyond compare though..
I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.
BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo
Posts: 544 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 40669
| Posted: 3:30 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014|
90% lying and continued lying, 10% cheating
I would also say my anger was also caused more by the lying than the actual affair.
Married 12yrs, known 14
3 kids 12,10,8
Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
Member # 37898
| Posted: 4:57 PM, February 16th (Sunday), 2014|
I do believe I could have forgiven (in time) the physical cheating. But the lies? For so long? With me literally sobbing in front of her begging her to stop? Never. And of course logically, the cheating IS lying so....
Divorced April Fool's Day 2014
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 41540
| Posted: 5:16 PM, February 16th (Sunday), 2014|
Isn't it the same? Can't have one without the other......how do you get past it?
Posts: 127 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: UK
♂ New Member
Member # 42298
| Posted: 10:09 PM, February 16th (Sunday), 2014|
my feelings are in this order
betray of trust, lying, the home wrecking (my home and the OM's home), everything else, the actual cheating.
this order may be because my father had an A and he and my mom got D recently.
Posts: 24 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: New York
Member # 42458
| Posted: 5:58 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014|
Lying or lack of telling me everything = 99%
Happiness is a choice.
Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: USA
Member # 42170
| Posted: 7:22 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014|
What really broke my heart was the EA, not the PA. What broke my spirit, my trust, my entire belief system was the DAMN LIES and TT. So, for me the lies are so much worse than the A. IMO lies are a bigger betrayal because it's directed at YOU. I am still grieving over the lies my WH has told me. I will never be the same again because of them.
"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person
Posts: 345 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
Member # 31386
| Posted: 11:38 PM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014|
I may have been able to get over the cheating.
I won't get over the lying.
Doesn't help he's still lying!
"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."
I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.
Posts: 730 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Member # 41992
| Posted: 9:15 AM, February 19th (Wednesday), 2014|
For me, it was the lying. I don't think I can ever forget the lies.
WH - him
married over 25 years
Posts: 89 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
|Topic Posts: 61|