SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How long after you WS'S A began before you suspected something just wasn't right in your WS actions or demeanor ?

What specific actions prompted your belief or suspicion that something may be wrong?

One month into A, I began to notice something was always on EX H mind and he was more preoccupied in his own "world".

When I asked my EX H what was going on he always said it was from work stress.

After DDay, I found out that my ex was suffering from guilt.

My wife was getting text messages from her co-worker OM (who I didn't suspect at all) after hours. I was assured it was all work related however now I know differently.

I even called her out on it a few times and she laughed it off.

I'm still angry at myself (and her) for me missing the warning signs, and her casual regular betrayal.

Hurthalo - happened to me (many of us) too... ''Innocent texts from a colleague'' is wayward code for cheating....

It took me over a year to put together that something was wrong... Took another six months to confront, but in hindsight things were ''off'' almost immediately.

My denial had me convinced WW was dealing with extra stress from work, home, life etc...

Nope, turns out it was from the guilt of knowing she was choosing to have an affair.

Hindsight really sucks sometimes.

[This message edited by totalheartbreak at 2:35 AM, February 8th, 2014 (Saturday)]

I am ashamed to say, that I honestly didn't know he was cheating until I received "THE" call. Even then I didn't believe, and of course he was in CYA mode big time.... It wasn't until I got a fax with a lot more info that he finally came clean.

I don't know if he is just that good at deceit or I am that naïve.

SpecialK, don't feel bad. I always thought I was the hypervigilant spouse, but did not know of my wife's 3 yr A until she sat me down and confessed. Cripes- talk about floored. I honestly had no clue. Not because I am that naïve, and you are not either, it is because they are that good at LYING and deceiving us and we are only at fault for happening to love and trust them the way we are supposed to.

Pretty much right away. Knew something was off. Checked phone. Didn't find messages, but noticed missing texts (by the total log count).

Confronted him about it, he denied. Still didn't feel right and about 4 weeks ltr got my answer.

Looking back I think I suspected something was off after the second time he had sex with ow. We had planned a romantic night away and the Friday night before he went out with his "friend" and got home way later than usual. When I called to see if he was okay he was overly apologetic. Saturday night I went down on him and could smell a faint condom smell even though he had showered and we weren't using them because I was pregnant. Long story short, I dismissed the thought and even had a dream he was cheating on me that night.

There were a few more after that but ever in a million years did I think MY H would do that to me! My ic is helping me deal with the shoulda woulda couldas. She pointed out that maybe I wasn't ready to see it, or even my mind knew at that point in my pregnancy I wouldn't have been able to deal with it without harming my dd. idk what the reason, but it helps for me to look at it that way.

2 weeks tops...

He was acting funny for about a month before DD

He met her sometime in mid November 2012 and kept talking to me about his "new friend". Even took me on a drive to see her college when I went to visit him for the Thanksgiving weekend- had no idea. Then early December, 7 days before our wedding, it was doubts about our relationship. Then when we were together after the wedding, he wouldn't sleep in the same bed with me and I got the ILYBNILWY.

Two weeks after that, all was finally revealed. And to think I was going crazy that whole entire time, thinking everything was my fault.

Nope he was cheating. And to justify his cheating, he made me seem like a villain.

Before it started--but it wasn't my first rodeo.

The first time? I didn't notice. I had to be smacked upside the head with concrete evidence, and even then was naive enough to buy the tale he was selling. For a long, long time.

I don't know as he hasn't agreed to having anything more than a friend.

But my spicy senses started tingling in late November. I put it on hold as I was heavily pregnant, and then had a baby December 15th, then mid/late jan I looked and found proof.

For me it was the physical and emotional separation that he started. I questioned in my mind why he wasn't initiating sex. Foolishly, I thought maybe his lobido was starting to lack:) But I still didn't get it, but I was too busy taking care of my dying mother. He started to do things either alone or with other people that we would normally have done together. Also when he started to carry his phone everywhere and started to get a ton of text messages in the evenings, and spending all his spare time on the computer and phone. All of a sudden a light bulb went on and I was able to check his phone and voila...

For me it was the physical and emotional separation that he started. I questioned in my mind why he wasn't initiating sex. Foolishly, I thought maybe his lobido was starting to lack:) But I still didn't get it, but I was too busy taking care of my dying mother. He started to do things either alone or with other people that we would normally have done together. Also when he started to carry his phone everywhere and started to get a ton of text messages in the evenings, and spending all his spare time on the computer and phone. All of a sudden a light bulb went on and I was able to check his phone and voila...

I think I knew something was off in march...affair started in feb. In may when he came home it was like his phone was glued to his hip. all texts were deleted. but when we tried to be intimate and he couldn't I knew right then that he was having an affair. I asked, he denied and even laughed. it wasn't till august when I interceded a text that I had the evidence in hand. Felt so stupid! I wish now I would have trusted myself!

About 2 weeks after it started, he had complete and total ED for 2 weeks. He had never had it before and not since. It was guilt, plain and simple.

He confessed to the internet sexting shortly after but since it was all done over the internet, he never has considered it an affair, he says they just shared "stories". He continued to do it with her for another 11 months before quitting. Over the last 3 years, he has sexted with several women and has been asked to meet up with one last summer. I guess it is in my favor that he told her "had an issue last time, not sure I want to go there again" and didn't meet up.

All I know is that he looks and shares pictures with many women, then acts all lovey dovey with me and wants sex. He doesn't look at me nude, doesn't do much foreplay to me but wants me to touch him and do lots of foreplay (to make sure ED doesn't return is his excuse). Needless to say, I feel it is just the motions and he is in a fantasy using my body.

He was able to keep up both lives for a month...and then he couldn't anymore. He became distant emotionally and physically, like a light switch in early March of last year. After a few weeks I finally confronted him and he blamed work stress and then also put some blame on me. I sought IC right away and came back, told him things I wanted to work on, yadda, yadda. He didn't bite. I asked a few months in if he was having an affair because no other reason made sense. He denied it. I missed LOTS of signs, as it was with a coworker who we were involved with socially. I finally dug around in his stuff in June and found his journal. No denying it then.

Get this. He was toooo perfect. Go figure. Perfect in every way. I guess my spider senses just knew that he was really too good to be true. We have to be careful what we wish for. Super partner in every way. Until I found all of the EA's and that he was on line checking profiles a year in to our relationship. One EA turned in to a date in another city. Met her and was grossed out so no PA. Guess I should be thankful for that ........

Texting & phone calls started in February last year, I got the "I'm not happy speech in March", starting feeling something was off then, and said it out loud for the first time sitting on my Aunt's back porch on Mother's day. My exact words when my Aunt asked me how WW and I were doing were "Aunt ___, I feel like there's another guy". Why on God's green earth I didn't start snooping around for evidence then, I'll never know.

I felt it straight away. In the pit of my stomach I knew something wasn't right. But I thought it was just him pulling away emotionally. I would have NEVER thought he would have an A. Never in a million years. I will never be so blind again.

..well, it only took me 18 years to figure it out..

..of course, when it's my bff(25 yrs) and my gf/wife(20 yrs), trust got in the way!!!

..they both counted on my trust and love for them to avoid suspicion.. they were very good at covering the A.. they even pretended to not like each other very much whenever the 4 of us hung out.

..bfOM died from brain tumour(cancer) in Apr. 2006.. I didn't know he had died until

..in Apr. 2009 he visits me in a dream and informs me that I don't have the whole truth.

WW had told me in 1987 that the A was 2 years long.. 2009, she admits it was for 18 years

40+ years married.. all a lie!

I still have a lot of difficulty processing that much deceipt, that level of betrayal.

Now... I do believe in ghosts..

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 7:52 PM, February 8th (Saturday)]

I didn't and was totally blindsided when he finally confessed. OW sent me emails and texts and I thought someone hacked my email. That's how sure I was in my H. And he was gaslighting me and keeping up ruse of hacking.

My brother was going to contact some friends in law enforcement to get advice and maybe identity of the mystery texter which is when my fWH confessed.

I never suspected...

[This message edited by whattheh at 10:16 PM, February 8th (Saturday)]