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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How do you handle old triggers in a new relationship?
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I waited over a year and a half to start dating again. Several months ago I met someone that I connected with in a pretty amazing way; someone who shares a similar history as far as relationships are concerned. For the most part, things are going very well, and we are both happy.

I am also a mom, raising a young son alone.

Every once in a while, my bf goes out with his friends, and I, being a mom, stay home. That should be fine right
But it makes me highly anxious, and I realized last night that I was triggering.

BOTH of my XWHs cheated on me when they were "out with friends" at a bar, while I was at home with our children.

How do I deal with this trigger? The anxiety? He should not have to call me to check in if he is just hanging out with friends. He didn't put that pain on my heart.

He has been kind, honest, and loving. I want to leave my triggers, my ungrounded emotional responses from past hurt out of my relationship with him as much as possible. Any suggestions?


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8345 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For anyone reading this and going through similar stuff...my solution was just be honest.

I apologized for my reaction (and I did react!)
I explained it was a trigger. (he knows what a trigger is)
I allowed him to reassure me that all was good (it is)

I didn't realize how challenging meeting someone new, and investing my heart in another relationship would be. So glad I visited SI after so long...just reading all your posts reminds me that I am not alone. Love you guys.

[This message edited by healingtree at 11:25 AM, February 8th (Saturday)]


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8345 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
bpositive
♀ Member
Member # 5981
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Healing Tree has it right. Honesty. Groundedness. Understanding what triggers you still have. In the right relationship and over time, they will diminish if not disappear.


"If you're happy and you know it..."
1 in 3 US women die of heart disease. Take charge of your health and your life!

Posts: 6306 | Registered: Dec 2004 | From: breathe.
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a first for me: Seeing a poster answer their own post so beautifully that there is nothing left to say!

How about some (((hugs))) instead?


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5569 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lol I have years of practice processing. Hugs are good! Thank you!


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8345 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

new habits take practice. you're reactions are old habits....they die hard


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8404 | Registered: Apr 2008
gahurts
♂ Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, Not to stir the pot but this:

Every once in a while, my bf goes out with his friends, and I, being a mom, stay home.

is a potential problem in my mind. It doesn't change anything about your past but just because you are a mom does not mean that you should have to stay home. Maybe if you got out once in a while with some of your friends then it would help you not trigger and also realize that it really isn't that big of a deal.

Are the kids old enough to watch themselves for a couple hours? Can you hire a babysitter or have family help? Or maybe if they are all ready for it, let BF watch the kids for a while to help them bond a little and see how he does?

My history has taught me that when one party in a relationship has external activities and the other doesn't, it causes major problems. I firmly believe that both people in a relationship must have some activities that they are involved in that the other party is welcome to join every now and then. We all need an outlet as long as the other party is not excluded or prevented from joining in on occasion.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3315 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
LearningToRun
♀ Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have the same triggers. Recognized that it was my own insecurity and it wasn't up to new guy to make me feel secure.

He also goes out with friends when I have my kids. And I really had to ask what would I rather have him do? Sit home? Put pressure on me when I need mom time?

It also gives hima chance to miss me.

I know it's hard not to paint all men with a cheaters brush. Miy new guy unknowingly didn't text on a Saturday which was a huge trigger with me. So I know how you feel.

I worked on being more secure. It's not a mistake to trust.


Posts: 234 | Registered: Feb 2011
Dawnie
♀ Member
Member # 26912
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am over 4 years out from my D Day and am remarried to a wonderful man who has never given me a reason to doubt him, ever. He knows my past and knows that I am "fragile" and easily trigger so he really tries to avoid anything that he thinks will upset me. When I do trigger I always try to calm my crazy brain down and try to think reasonable, and not to put myself back in 2009 when my XH was betraying me over and over. It is dam hard and I still struggle with it. As crazy as it sounds I talk to myself and allow my mind to settle, and usually within a short while I settle down and realize that I am being unreasonable. It also helps that I tell myself that even if he did betray me my life would go on. I am able to stand on my own 2 feet and he knows that....

Its all such a mind game and I hope 1 day I am able to relax... but I am an obsessive Scorpio so I think this is a life sentence LOL


DIVORCED! Remarried to a real man!
BW (me) - 41 (now 46)
WH (him) - 43 (now 47)
OW - 23 yr old foreign gold digging whore looking for her American meal ticket
1 14 yr old son (now 19)
married 20 years/together 25 years
D day - 9/23/2009 5pm

Posts: 800 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Mid Atlantic coast
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone!

@gahurts - I do get to go out too. I have been a mom long enough to know that I NEED time for me. We go out on dates once or twice a week, and he comes over to my house just to be there and spend time. If I want to hang out with my gal pals I make time. There are just times when my sitter is tied up, or it is last minute, or he gets invited somewhere, and I don't go.

So its not that I don't ever get to go out...just that feeling of being home with the kiddo while he is at a bar gives me that "stuck" feeling I used to have when my Xs were out galavanting all over town.

Those days are in the past. The feelings just kinda sneak up out of nowhere.


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8345 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
lemony.2008
♀ Member
Member # 20125
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you handled it beautifully.

And he's one lucky guy!


Feel the feelings and drop the story. - Pema Chodron


Posts: 2243 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 11

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