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User Topic: First post, My story
MisterP
♂ New Member
Member # 40235
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been married to my beautiful wife for 11 years. When I met her we clicked instantly and became great friends. It was about 6 months before anything became romantic, and 3 years later we were married. Both of us were virgins when we married and she was very sexually forward during our engagement which made it difficult. I had never had sexual attention to the extent that she gave me and I enjoyed it a lot. I assumed we would have a great sex life when we were married and finally able to add sex to our relationship. Within the first year of our marriage I was already noticing that she was increasingly not interested in sex. I tried to talk about it many times with her, but it would just make her mad and the conversation would always end poorly. I would frequently ask what I could do better to help her be attracted to me and would never get much of an answer. I always ensured I helped with chores around the house, I try to be the best father and spend every spare moment engaging with my kids. I always make sure I have time for my wife and make myself available to talk and arrange date nights. I take pretty good care of myself physically and try to make sure that I am attractive for her. I am always willing to watch children while she goes out to have time for herself. I felt that no matter how hard I tried it had little impact in her sexual desire for me. After about 9 years of this I finally just quit bringing sex up and tried to make myself okay without the sexual intimacy.

We had a neighbor move in next door that we befriended. Unfortunately this woman was very sexual and started showing an interest in me. It made me feel good that somebody found me sexually attractive and actually desired me. This was a feeling I had not received from my wife in a very long time. Within a few months a full physical affair began, and I reasoned with myself that it was good because it helped me not to be sexually frustrated while at the same time making my wife happy that I wasnít putting pressure on her to be sexually intimate with me. The physical affair lasted for about two months and ended when my wife gave birth to our 3 wonderful baby girl. About 7 months later I had another 2 night fling with the neighbor and 3 months later the neighbor texted my wife about the affair. I wanted to tell my wife myself, but she has always struggled with depression and I knew it would destroy her to find out (too bad we donít think about things like that before jumping into the affair. :-( ) Well, she is a stronger woman than I ever imagined her to be and she chose to stay with me and work on our marriage. This past year since DDay has been probably the closest year we have ever had. I finally feel like I can talk to her and she actually wants to listen and hear how I feel about things. I have always strived to be good at listening and understanding what she wants to communicate to me. The main problem now is that my wife seems to fluctuate emotionally quite a bit. We will have a great week where we know we are working on making our marriage the best it has ever been and then the next day she doesnít want me to touch her and tells me she isnít attracted to me. The next day she canít keep her hands off of me and is very sexual, but by the evening she is once again uninterested in me. I am trying so hard to understand her and figure out what I can do to be there for her. I have completely cut off ties with the other woman, I have installed a GPS tracking app on my phone so she always knows where I am, I have gone to counseling, I went to a menís sexual addiction retreat, I do not look at pornography, I am working to step up as the spiritual head of our home, I pray daily for our relationship and almost daily pray with my wife. I have always only wanted my wife and have only ever loved her. We have a wonderful marriage in just about every other aspect. We do great raising our children together. We have fun together, we enjoy going away for weekends and spending time just talking in the evenings. We have supported and encouraged each other in our educational pursuits and share the same drive to be responsible with our finances.

I love her so much and just want our relationship to be whole, which I donít believe it ever has been. As of this past week she seems pretty determined that she wants every other aspect of our marriage, but does not want to be sexually intimate with me. I realize that sex is not a need and that I will not die without, but I donít think a relationship can be healthy when two healthy people are intentionally avoiding sexual intimacy. My wife has a long history of sexual abuse and I know that is the major contributing factor, but my affair has made it that much more difficult for her to prevail over her struggles. There is so much more to this story, but this is long enough already. I just want to be whole with her and am willing to do whatever it takes to get there, I just wish she felt the same.

I don't know what to do other than to keep praying and loving her and hoping that things will get better.

[This message edited by MisterP at 5:26 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]


Trying so hard to make our marriage whole and healthy!

Posts: 5 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Colorado Springs
EvolvingSoul
♀ Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It takes a long time. There are a lot of emotional ups and downs along the way. Some of the downs are screaming steep. Buckle up. It took me a long time to really begin to understand how deep the hurt went for my BS. My infidelity and the treatment he received from OM and me was an identity shattering experience for him. He's trying to rebuild it with the shards of his former self. It took me a long time to really get that. Understanding it now has helped me have more compassion for his suffering and more patience with how he is expressing it.

Have you read the stuff in the healing library? Little yellow box on the upper left.

People smarter than me will be along to help. The weekends can be a little slow, but stick around and you will get much support here.

Welcome from a fellow EvolvingSoul.


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 277 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MisterP, Let's talk.

I love her so much and just want our relationship to be whole, which I donít believe it ever has been.

I donít think a relationship can be healthy when two healthy people are intentionally avoiding sexual intimacy. My wife has a long history of sexual abuse and I know that is the major contributing factor, but my affair has made it that much more difficult for her to prevail over her struggles. There is so much more to this story, but this is long enough already. I just want to be whole with her and am willing to do whatever it takes to get there

You are probably correct about your relationship never being whole. And, no, a relationship can't be healthy when there is intimacy avoidance. The thing that most people misunderstand about intimacy is that it has nothing to do with sex. Intimacy is about trust, emotional closeness, and openness. There's no true intimacy to be had with a sex addict. Your issues existed long before you met your wife, so this really has nothing to do with her. Your mind was sexualized at an early age and that's NOT your fault- not at all- but it IS your responsibility, now that you are aware of it, to put forth the effort to change that. I'm not seeing that in your interactions with her. What I'm seeing is you trying to draw her in to that sexualized world.

Living with a sex addict is damaging to the core. I totally understand why she is shut down.

If you are truly interested in helping yourself and your wife to heal, get yourself into counseling with a CSAT right away and there's a free program both of you can use to help heal at recoverynation.com. Get started on that today. There's nothing more important that you need to do because you are on the brink of losing your M.

I wish you the best in your recovery, both from SA and in your M.


Posts: 11599 | Registered: Mar 2008
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

..
I assumed we would have a great sex life when we were married and finally able to add sex to our relationship. Within the first year of our marriage I was already noticing that she was increasingly not interested in sex. I tried to talk about it many times with her, but it would just make her mad and the conversation would always end poorly. I would frequently ask what I could do better to help her be attracted to me and would never get much of an answer.

MisterP... your description above has me wondering if it is at all possible that your W had , in fact, entered into an affair of her own early on in your marriage.

..she seemed to be detatching from you, ..often a sign that she had met someone else and, consequently started pulling away from you sexually. I have read thousands of similar stories here where a spouse loses interest in sex with their spouse, because they had found another person to engage with, they become defensive with any questions and/or pressure from their mate..

..not wanting any sexual intimacy from you seems like an obvious red flag within a marriage and I would have to question what her root causes for this would be.

,,both of you could benefit from IC/MC to get to those root causes.

..just hoping things will get better seems to be an over-simplification for any real solution..

..she also may have chosen to stay with you so readily because she knows she also had stepped out of the M but you had never found out.. and she prefers to keep it that way.. at the same time, she couldn't be a hypocrit and leave the M because of your A.

..this infidelity crap can get pretty complicated in matters of the heart and mind.

..hope you and your W can find your way thru this maze of mind boggling reasons why we do what we do to the people we claim we love!!

I could be way off the mark here, but otoh, maybe not.( I've been on this site for 4 years and it's been quite an education into how people treat their spouses... nothing surprizes me anymore )

..all the best to you..

smy

PS.. could your W possibly be bi-polar?? which may account for her radical mood swings??

[This message edited by somanyyears at 3:47 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4120 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since there is no stop sign its my understanding its my understanding that its ok for BS's to respond. I've been following your wife's posts and just have a coup,e of things to throw out there.

This month marks one year from dday for us. I can tell you without hesitation that overall my emotions are stabilizing however, on any given day it can be very, very fluid. Sometimes fluctuating wildly in a matter of hours between loving and hating him for looking for sexual gratification outside of our committed relationship so, as far as I can tell, that emotional vertigo is completely normal. I would gently like to caution you here as it can last for a very long time.

What are you doing to help her heal? I have read your post and see where you say you help around the house, are involved with the children, etc. But what are you doing specifically to help her feel genuine love and trust? Does she feel safe with you?

She mentions on her post that you encouraged her to troll Craigslist to help get her interested in sex. Can you see the message that sent to her? The idea that you are still interested in engaging in sexual acts with other people? Can you see how that doesn't come across as you being empathetic to her needs right now?

I'm a believer in prayer so good for you on that. I think you need to reevaluate your stance. When she knows that you are still scanning the room for cute girls that really adds another layer to the insecurities she already has as a result of the A and childhood abuse. I'm hoping that you are saying you will have the courage and the patience to help her heal but, what I hear you saying here doesn't really jive with that.

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 4:17 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 714 | Registered: Apr 2013
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's interesting how much your post differs from your wife.

What I see, and what she described as well, you're justifying your A's on her lack if desire. You keep coming back to HER issues, not yours.

I have a very similar background to your wife, my husband does with you. He was exposed to porn at 7. His father cheated, parents divorced, his mom introduced her new husband far too soon. I was sexually abused, raised very conservative and to be ashamed of sex.

You've both suffered trauma. You never dealt with yours. She has been trying, you just inflict more trauma and yet wonder why she's not over the past when you keep opening wounds.

You went to EMB, correct? So did my husband, however he ALSO went to SA 12 step meetings and IC, religiously.

Why, would you go trolling on craigslist, watch porn (albeit with your wife), and just recently be checking out women while with your wife? That is middle circle SA behavior. Meaning slippery slope behavior. And so disrespectful to your wife.

You say you went to IC, your wife said you quit after a few sessions, same with MC, why? What makes ou think there is no long term benefit? You gave it no chance.

Sex is more than just sex. So much more. You need emotional intimacy. Trust. Safeness. Making it about her pleasure, not yours. None of which she feels. Why should she honestly?

What are you doing to make her a priority?


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
MsRukia
♀ Member
Member # 40219
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to just clarify. I have not nor will I ever engage in a EA or PA. Early in our marriage I was not aware how damage I was. We created unhealthy was of communicating and we are still learning how to overcome that. I thought we had a good quality sex life for a long time.
Second, I do struggle with depression. I may have Aspergers (new) which would explain many of my challenges with intamacy (sexual and otherwise).
I have worked tirelessly to become the wife my WH deserves. I have just hit a brick wall. I am very thankful for the support and insight we will both recieve here.


BS (34)
WS MisterP (37)
Together 14 1/2 years
D Day 03 Aug 13 EA & PA
D Day #2 01 Sep 13 continued EA & PA with OW
Slowly but surely finding my way.

Posts: 172 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Colorado Springs
RippedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never having cheated on my SAWH, I can't say what the signs of a WW are. Detaching and not wanting sexual intimacy are almost instinctive reactions in spouses of SAs--in my experience (and that of my fellow S-Anon members). I may be a lovely, trim woman, but I've not been airbrushed, I've had 4 pregnancies and 2 C-section deliveries, I've breastfed--for a year each--4 babies, and I frankly don't have the time to "boudoir" myself every time my SAWH wanted to be intimate. Did I turn him down? About one percent of the time. Did I actively participate? About 95% of the time. Did I ever feel adequate? Maybe the first month or so. Maybe?

I, too, was a virgin when we married. I was enthusiastic about making love to him. I was excited. And it was worth waiting for. He was/is a considerate lover--when he's loving ME. When he's simply masturbating inside me (sorry, tmi), it's much less special. He still wants me to find fulfillment, but it's . . . different. It's for him--not for me (if that makes any sense). And he often enough expects me to take charge or to come up with something new. Well, where the h--- is that idea going to come from? I've not spent 1000s of dollars on phone sex (back in the day) and 1000s of hours on internet porn. The only thing I know about sex is what we've already done. I once asked him if we could watch some tasteful (made by a religious company) porn for couples, but he refused because it wouldn't be proper. So . . .

Sex with a SA isn't like it is in other marriages from what I've gleaned. So your BW's reactions could be from her previous sexual abuse or it could be from yours? Yours--aside from the A--may not have been intentional, but it is still traumatizing. My WH and I got to the point where I would turn off lights before we were intimate, not make love in the daylight, not be naked in front of him--nothing where I would be directly competing with his fantasy women. He just couldn't get how demeaning it was to me to never be enough. If he only masturbated to photos of petite blonde women, maybe I'd understand, in some way, that he was trying to replace me. But if they're statuesque brunettes? Or curvy redheads? Every day, every month, every year chipped away at my self-esteem AND MY SEX DRIVE. I realized I wasn't a participant; I was a performer. And it killed my libido.

Hopefully, that may give you some insight into what your wife is feeling--even if she can't voice it. She is SO vulnerable. And the more she loves you, the more vulnerable she is. If you truly want to save and strengthen your M, time is your friend. Take time to go to CSAT therapy, to go to 12-step groups, to get a sponsor, to take a polygraph. Take time to touch her asexually: put your arm around her and squeeze her occasionally when you're watching TV together, hold her hand whenever you're near her, kiss her forehead, run your fingers through her hair. De-sexualize these gestures until they become tender. And promise me--if you do this--not to grind against her while she's washing dishes! Take the LUST out of the sex act for right now and replace it with intimacy. Again, if your BW is like me, she wants to be adored and cherished--not desired. After all, you've desired many other women and look how that worked out for her. Desire is cheap.

Just some ideas. If they're way out in left field, if I've misinterpreted your post, then I apologize. I'm truly trying to help and am sharing what my WH has done for me that has been successful. And, I guess, what's he's done that has been unsuccessful. Best of luck to you both!


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 440 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sex with a SA isn't like it is in other marriages from what I've gleaned. So your BW's reactions could be from her previous sexual abuse or it could be from yours? Yours--aside from the A--may not have been intentional, but it is still traumatizing. My WH and I got to the point where I would turn off lights before we were intimate, not make love in the daylight, not be naked in front of him--nothing where I would be directly competing with his fantasy women. He just couldn't get how demeaning it was to me to never be enough. If he only masturbated to photos of petite blonde women, maybe I'd understand, in some way, that he was trying to replace me. But if they're statuesque brunettes? Or curvy redheads? Every day, every month, every year chipped away at my self-esteem AND MY SEX DRIVE. I realized I wasn't a participant; I was a performer. And it killed my libido.
THIS is the real issue here.

(((MsRukia))) I don't think smy read your posts before responding to this one. Just try to let those comments roll off of you because they were based on one side of the story. I, too, was surprised by how different your posts are and had to double check before responding.


Posts: 11599 | Registered: Mar 2008
MisterP
♂ New Member
Member # 40235
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the responses so far. I just want to make it clear that I do not blame my wife and understand that the affair was fully my choice and my fault. In my post I was giving the background that helped me to reason at the time why I thought the affair was a good thing and now know 100% that it was not and if I could go back I would never do it again. Also I find my wife very attractive and realize whenever I find another woman attractive it is always because she has some resemblance to my wife. I try to be a very caring lover and have never coerced her into doing anything she didnít want to do. Even in the middle of intercourse if I notice she is not enjoying it I will stop and we will talk about it. To me our sex has always been about trying to make her feel good and not about me wanting to get off. I am just clarifying that I donít believe I have been sexually inappropriate with her in any way and if I am wrong on that she can let me know at any time and I will change what she doesnít like. Iíll admit in the past I had trouble being intimate and cuddling with her without being aroused and wanting sex (sheís a beautiful woman!), but in the past few months there have been many times we cuddled, I enjoyed it and didnít even hint at taking it any further.

The things from my wifeís post about craigslist and noticing cute girls are things we have done together in the past that she enjoyed and I didnít expect her to react the way she did, but once I noticed she wasnít interested I immediately ceased. I want to create an environment that facilitates my wifeís happiness and I tend to use things that I know have made her happy in the past. I understand that those things can seem very jerky and I do not want my wife to get the wrong idea so I will never bring them up again. There are lots of things I need to work on to be a better husband, and I am doing that daily. My wife is my priority and I am open to whatever it takes to regain her trust and build a healthy marriage.


Trying so hard to make our marriage whole and healthy!

Posts: 5 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Colorado Springs
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..
I don't think smy read your posts before responding to this one.

..true! ..I based my response totally on Mr.P's first post only.

..thanks TIKY

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4120 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
hpv50
♀ Member
Member # 39703
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here. I don't know much about SA, but I know plenty about childhood sexual abuse. When you've been abused, it's really easy to shut down the physical intimacy when you don't feel the emotional intimacy. The latter drives the former in most "normal" relationships, and even more so for those sexually abused as children.

It's about trust and safety for us. It's really difficult to allow ourselves to be open and vulnerable in a relationship, hence making sex difficult under even the best of circumstances. Now that you've cheated, it's going to be 100 times worse for her to recover. My MC told my WH that my abuse was like I have a broken arm, and that by cheating, he walked up and punched my broken arm.

So please try not to view physical intimacy as "sex," but rather, an extension of trust, safety and emotional intimacy. Until you help your wife feel safe again, don't expect much from her.


Me: BS - 50; Him: WH - 51, vulnerable NPD
married 19 years, maybe 20th soon?
DD1 4/22/13 (hpv diagnosis)
DD2 5/9/13 (gaslighting begins)
DD3 6/30/13 (admits EA)
DD4 7/7/13 admits "trying to date other women" for 3 years

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jun 2013
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 4:33 AM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you've been abused, it's really easy to shut down the physical intimacy when you don't feel the emotional intimacy.

Very true.

MisterP, it might help at the moment to not think of sex as solely a physical act. When you said this:

To me our sex has always been about trying to make her feel good

Why not try to change your focus to this:

Our sex life can now be about always trying to make her feel safe

As others have posted, it comes from emotional safety as wellÖ Actually, scratch that. It comes from overall safety in the relationship. Is there a way you can focus on that for a long time, and try to take your mind off sex for now? That's probably difficult if you like sex, but it will probably help you to focus solely on safety and helping your wife, a sexual abuse survivor (and infidelity survivor), feel safe. Safety is her need. Overall safety, emotional safety, physical safety. Rebuild that first.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 4:34 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.


Posts: 3901 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 13

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