May I ask why he is living in a different country, how long, and how often did you see eachother prior to Dday?
I ask these things because you state that he said he wants time apart, but havent you been apart? Isn't being apart in a way what has lead to this affair?
"A tree falls the way it leans.....be careful which way you lean"
I imagine your husband just had his fantasy world blown away when you showed up and doesn't know how to handle you and his fantasy at the same time. It sounds counterintuitive, but pull away from him. Do not beg, do not plead...he is expecting that. find your inner strength...it is there. Do you have any support in this other country? Can you go back home now?
Right now, make sure you take care of yourself. Eat even if it is only a few bites, drink plenty of water and try to rest some (sleep may be hard to come by).
Decide if you will give him the requested time (when in affair world means he doesn't want to give up other woman (OW) yet) or demand to make his decision now.
Support being sent to you.
I agree with brkn...... obviously this is your decision to make
I know this is the very last thing you want to hear, trust me, alot o the responses from first posts were the last thing I wanted to hear, but thats not to say they did not help me.
I think you should in a sense give him what he wants... time apart... but to take it a step further I would try and start practicing 180.... Show him what it would really be like without you.
Also, I want to reiterate taking care of yourself... the first thing that was compromised after my DDay was my health.... I let the A affect me mentally and physically, I didn't reach out for help from anyone.... Alot of times our first response when it feels like our worlds are tumbling down is to retreat within ourselves.... I know I did.
Again I am so sorry you find yourself here, but as stated you are safe here and we are here to support eachother.....
feel free to read my previous posts in my profile to get a better sense of my story......
I am to this day at a loss for where my life is headed, my main focus right now is taking care of myself, and keeping my self healthy and trying to do things I still enjoy.
We are here with you.
You have to find strength. This is NOT your embarrassment. It is his. I made the mistake of not speaking to my mother 17 years ago. I was embarrassed. She was crushed I couldn't talk to her before... SHe wished I had, and she supports me fully now. I have her to talk to and give me emotional support when I need it.
The people here are also a great source of strength and support. There is alot of experience on all aspects of WS and BS coping.
Be sure you eat, you will need strength. Also read in the Healing Library. There is so much good information on how to cope and grow your strength.
I'm so sorry for what is happening to you right now. Everyone here knows exactly how hurt you are. Unfortunately, we can't make the hurt go away but, there is alot of good advise from very wise people who can make it more bearable. There will probably be a lot of things you don't want to hear but, now is the time to take the blinders off and listen very carefully. While you probably feel like your marriage is very unique, cheaters are simply cheaters and most are cut from the same cloth.
It concerns me that your WH's first response is to further distance himself from you. He is probably buying time for himself to try to figure out how or if to end it with OW. It doesn't bode well that he wasn't immediately repentant.
I know you feel like are bleeding to death after having your insides extracted with a butter knife but, please, don't beg. Keep your wits about you and act with exact precision. I say this because I didn't. There are so many things I wish I had said and done when I found out this awful news but, all I can do is encourage you. Decide now on what kind of behavior you are willing to accept from him. He has shown you the greatest disrespect a spouse can possibly inflict on their partner.
Let him do the talking but, be firm. He needs to cut ties with the OW immediately and only then talk about working it out. You can't do that while she is still a consideration.
This is draining in every aspect, mentally, physically and spiritually. You have to keep your strength up so eat when you can but, make sure you are drinking lots of fluids. If you can't eat, try protein shakes or Ensure. And, keep posting! We will be here for you.
In the meantime protect your mental and physical health..Also protect yourself legally, financially, protect your rights..
Because you guys are apart for a major part of each month I am assuming that you built a life for yourself that you like, irregardless of whether he is physically around..
Breathe and take baby steps...
This last statement you said he said, "if we are meant to be together , we will be" it scares me a bit...... I am hoping he doesn't think that he can sit idly by, putting no work or effort, etc to fix it.....
I am not saying by any means that this is what he is saying, I am just saying it worries me that he may think that if you are meant to be you will be in the literal sense.... meaning no effort on either party.....
Does that make sense? Did he elaborate on that thought? Or did he leave it at that?
He sounds like he is buying time to decide what HE wants.
One other question, has he ever voiced feelings like this before you found out about the OW?
May I ask how long you have been married? Were there ever any "signs"?
I know that you are hurting but you will have to find your bitch boots and don them quickly. He is selling you a bill of phony goods.
Please don't fall for that. Don't go for the confusing wordplay he is handing you.
Because he is just sorry/regretful that you found out, not remorseful that he has gravely injured you and wants to help you heal.
You can read on these boards how some people will go for years in limbo of "I can't decide, I need space, Just give me some time to figure out my emotions." That is bullshit wayward speak for "I want to escape you and married life to spend time in my fantasy world with my slut..."
Don't beg or grovel, please don't accept anything less than complete transparency and honesty. He must send a no contact letter that you jointly write to his OW. Nothing less will do.
Take care my dear Maxine. Please protect your heart.
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Be good to yourself, and don't ever forget you are the one who is honorable, decent and worthwhile. You needn't allow him to drag you down into his brokenness with him. You will survive, you will thrive. No Contact with him is your best ally right now. I wish you peace.
I only said this to ease his pain. I selfishly thought this would be better for him but it wasn't as it gave him false hope.