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User Topic: Can't stand him
Jesss
♀ Member
Member # 40333
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are separated but living together due to finances and also his stubbornness. And usually I can be civil and we still act like "friends". But now I finally started the 180. I know it's to help me, but it's helping him and making me miserable and angry.
Anybody else in this situation?
How do you not let him get to you? He just goes on living like nothing happened, like everything in his life is fine, like he has no regrets or made no mistakes.... How do you fuck up your family and act like that??? I feel like punching some feelings into him. I get so angry, I can't sleep, eat or even enjoy anything... How do I stop feeling like this? I'm so mad at him. And I'm trapped in this house with him. It's going to drive me insane.


BS: 31, WS: 35
4 kids between 2 and 7yrs old
DDAY 1: July 2013
DDAY 2: Sept 2013
DDAY 3: Oct 2013
DDAY 4: Feb 2014

Posts: 100 | Registered: Aug 2013
Toodevoted
♀ Member
Member # 33149
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't give you any advice Jesss other than to try and ignore what he's doing and carry on doing the 180 and stay out of his way as much as possible. All of which I'm sure you've tried to do. It could be that he's going around all happy because he sees you are and his pride won't let you think anything other than he's happy too and not bothered about you.

Sorry that you're in such a horrible situation and I hope that someone comes along to help ((Jesss))


BS (me): 44
WH: 44
DD: Dec 2009 but let him rugsweep

Posts: 60 | Registered: Aug 2011
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The 180 isn't easy. Do you have support in real life - IC, pastor, very good friend(s)?


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9773 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there a friend you can stay with for now? Or does that complicate the house issue if you D.

In-house 180 is hard in my understanding so his stubbornness alone need not keep you there if you think outside the box.

Sorry you're struggling. Anyone would under these conditions! (((hugs)))


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3830 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Jesss
♀ Member
Member # 40333
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Toodevoted, thank you for the responce. I guess I just gotta try harder to ignore him.

Sisoon, nope I have no in person support in real life. My family and close friends don't live in the same city.


BS: 31, WS: 35
4 kids between 2 and 7yrs old
DDAY 1: July 2013
DDAY 2: Sept 2013
DDAY 3: Oct 2013
DDAY 4: Feb 2014

Posts: 100 | Registered: Aug 2013
cancuncrushed
♀ Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It could be that he is really enjoying himself. Or he could be also mirroring your attitude. I think really happy, would be a bit fake. SOunds alot like mind games. Strained marriages are a hot bed of emotions. Both people, trying, not trying, faking. We dont know how to do these things. Its a mess. But convincing yourself hes very happy and your nothing, isnt exactly correct either. EVen the 180 puts forth an image that isnt quite true. You are working on disconnect, but you act much stronger then you feel. Its hard work. Hes capable of doing the 180, too.
For me, I would have to decide nothing is solid or real. Everyone is acting on emotions. And just keep one step in front of the other. However, any OW is crossing the boundaries of respect and a complete no. Not sure if thats an issue here.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 885 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could have written your post. I know exactly how you feel.

He just goes on living like nothing happened, like everything in his life is fine, like he has no regrets or made no mistakes.... How do you fuck up your family and act like that???

My husband is the same why. On top of this, he also plays the victim role.

I also feel that this is driving me insane.

I wish I had something better to add, I really do. I just know what you're going through.

Sending you strength and (((hugs)))


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5842 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Jesss
♀ Member
Member # 40333
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Norabird, sorry didn't see your message before. Unless I move to a different city with our children, there is no where else I can stay... He does work out if town in the spring, so Im just waiting for that.

Cancuncrush, I'm sure he is playing mind games to drive me crazy and make me miserable and it's working.

Simplydevasted, thank you. Hugs to you too. Hope things start get better for both of us soon. :(


BS: 31, WS: 35
4 kids between 2 and 7yrs old
DDAY 1: July 2013
DDAY 2: Sept 2013
DDAY 3: Oct 2013
DDAY 4: Feb 2014

Posts: 100 | Registered: Aug 2013
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Move to the different city. He is abusive. I'm serious. My family is in another state... (500 miles away) and if my WH was as unremorseful and cruel as yours, I'd be there now. And he could have everything but my kids, my car, and my cameras.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2250 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Simplydevasted, thank you. Hugs to you too. Hope things start get better for both of us soon. :(

You're welcome. I hope so, too.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5842 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
BAB61
♀ Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't stand him either!! Just supporting you in your antipathy! Seriously I am so sorry you have no IRL support. Is there a shelter for abused women in your area? I'm not suggesting you go there per se, but they may have resources and options for you to utilize. Infidelity is a form of abuse imho, and if there are resources available, you should use them.

Are you a member of a church or other group that is service oriented? If not there are some that will help, membership is not required.

(((Jesss)))


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a feeling that this is what my ex H would have been like if we had tried to reconcile. I can just picture him now, cracking jokes on the phone to business associates in front of me, making insensitive remarks, breezing around the house like a game-show host, telling everyone that he is "always good" (his catchphrase), while I slowly turned to dust inside. I would have ended up in a psychiatric facility.

You are going to have to get some decent IC immediately so you can stay strong with the 180. It is essential you remain several steps ahead of him as far as strategic thinking goes. He sounds as if he has narcissistic tendencies if he can carry on like that having devastated his family. Narcissistic people have no concept of what other people are feeling, thinking or could potentially do because they are simply not interested in the lives of other people. While most of the time this behavior is infuriating and hurtful, there is an upside. Because he is so focused on himself and busy flitting around just getting on with things as normal, you can put your energies into remaining 3 steps ahead of him. He is so up himself he won't know or appreciate what your capable of.

Get your ducks in order legally speaking, continue to get counseling (with or without him)and keep moving straight ahead. He will be humming a different tune once you've gathered the resources to get out of there and he will be the only one who is even remotely surprised.


EJ


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1090 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In house separation can be hell. I have no solid advice as I am living it right now. Just know my thoughts are with you.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2644 | Registered: Oct 2012
Smokehouse
♂ Member
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like your theory of punching some feelings into him. It may not work but, wouldn't it feel great if you actually could!!! But, to be real about the situation you are in, it is terrible to be treated like that. No man with an ounce of remorse would treat the woman he promised to love, honor and cherish like that. He is a jerk! You deserve to be treated with respect, even if he isn't remorseful, he should understand the pain and devastation he has wrought upon you and your family.

Keep up the 180 for YOU! Let it be for you and you alone. From what you have described, he isn't going to be any part of a support system for you to help you heal. You must seek that out on your own through IC.

It pains me when I read on here that the WS is not remorseful. It is beyond comprehension and says so much about their character as a person. Clearly he is not the man you thought he was! Think in those terms and IMHO, he should be looked on as pathetic and miserable in his thinking and life. You are the one that is in the right, you were wronged!

I wish nothing but the best for you and your path to recovery.


Posts: 147 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
Jesss
♀ Member
Member # 40333
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all.

[This message edited by Jesss at 7:59 AM, February 14th (Friday)]


BS: 31, WS: 35
4 kids between 2 and 7yrs old
DDAY 1: July 2013
DDAY 2: Sept 2013
DDAY 3: Oct 2013
DDAY 4: Feb 2014

Posts: 100 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 15

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