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User Topic: They tell me I shouldn't have informed the Other Betrayed Spouse
AmberDust
♀ Member
Member # 38904
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC thinks the OBS should not be informed. Why ruffle the feathers, and break up a happy family ?
I did it because I felt it was the right thing to inform a betrayed spouse. I did not try to break up a happy family by telling. But since the OW had tried to break up my family more than once, I felt no guilt in telling, either.

I contacted another IC and what do you know, she also thinks OBS is best kept in the dark.

Can you please provide me with some kick-a.. reasons the OBS should be informed ?


Posts: 723 | Registered: Apr 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did the right thing.
Many of our members were informed by the other BS.
The act of infidelity ruffles feathers & causes damage, not outing it. Sheesh...some IC's

Posts: 6591 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did the right thing. I told wish I told OBS in the beginning when the affair first came to light.

Now I have to suffer for a 2 LTA that got physical.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
SandAway
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because she has a right to know the truth about her WH.

I agree with jj, you didn't ruffle feathers, HE did.

Good for you for doing the right thing.

Time for a new IC if this is her view...


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 436 | Registered: Dec 2012
Chefj9
♀ Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did the right thing. I don't believe that you take any responsibility for "damaging" another family. The AP and the WS did that when they decided to cheat.

Your IC is wrong.


ME - BS 49, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 470 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm confused on how you can "break up a happy family" - you aren't the one fucking someone else's spouse. They broke up their own family - you just let the other BS know the truth of his existence and allowed him to know that his wife was betraying him. Consequences of that knowledge are all on the cheater. That's why the phrase "I never thought you'd find out" is so common - cheaters rely on enablers.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3947 | Registered: Dec 2011
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How is telling someone the truth which they deserve to know, to protect themselves from diseases, to make decisions whether to have more children, whether to buy a home with someone, whether to stay married... how is that "breaking up a happy family?

Either get a new IC or stop going to IC if you can't find one who has a clue. I truly think that many counselors do more harm than good.


Posts: 5742 | Registered: Apr 2006
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think therapists have to say that, as they don't know the other couple and the person could be violent, unstable, etc. Their focus is on you, and your healing.

But, my feeling is that you are more protected if the other BS knows. In our case, the OW would have just been pining on forever, or at least a very long time, and I think that the OBS knowing was a little bit of a regulator on her behavior. She had to face the reality of what she had done. So, unless the OBS is unstable (which is questionable in our case, but he is a nice guy), then I think they need to know.

Affairs need big, bright lights shone on them to help burst the bubble.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1970 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
metamorphisis
♀ Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why ruffle the feathers, and break up a happy family ?

What's happy about a family where one parent is cheating, lying, and dishonouring their spouse? What's happy about deceit and disrespect and exposing your partner to disease?

While I believe that telling should be done with care, and as much kindness as possible, I will never believe in the "Shoot the Messenger" attitude.

Exposing is a personal decision but it is not the cause of destruction. It's merely shining light on the untruths and dishonourable actions of others.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44728 | Registered: Sep 2006
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) exposure to STD's
2) possibility of an OC
3) marital funds being spent on affair
4) embarrassment if the last to know
5) robbed of the ability to make sound decisions in own marriage
6) cervical cancer
7) life being in danger if OP is a nut case or bunny boiler
8) most people don't like being married to a cheater


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8023 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AmberDust,

Wouldn't you want to know the truth, as awful as it is, rather than to live in ignorance that your WS was involved with another person? What if after you later discover the A you learned that the other BS could have told you months earlier and ended the A?

It is a very effective tool at helping to maintain NC between WS and AP when there is another BS helping to keep an eye on things.


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4130 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
lovedmesomehim
♀ Member
Member # 25743
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Waitaminute.

Am I understanding this correctly?

The OW attempted to break up your family more than once?

And your IC said, "Why ruffle feathers?

"Why break up a happy family?"

"The other BS is best kept in the dark?"

Give your IC this website.


Posts: 465 | Registered: Oct 2009
LAFA
♂ Member
Member # 31868
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's an IC that needs firing, you deserve one that understands infidelity, and values integrity. Advising you to keep someone in the dark when their life could be in danger is beyond reprehensible.


When you put someone on a pedestal, they quickly learn two things. The view is mighty good from up there, and it is a fine vantage from which to kick.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Hawaii
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me there is nothing worse than living a lie. It is not authentic. That was one of the worst aspects of my FWH's betrayal, of trying to integrate my reality into what was really the reality. Realizing that I was living a lie for so many years is just so sad and such a waste of my life.

The feeling of stupidity and foolishness was overwhelming, that other people knew, and either thought I was stupid or pitied me. Humiliating.

You don't need a kick ass reason for telling the OBS. It is the kind thing to let someone know what is going on behind their back. To let them stop being made a "fool" of. (I don't feel BS's are fools, but I bet that is an overriding feeling for most of us.) It is fair and just to let someone in on the secret that involves four people, but only three know of.

The best reason is the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have done unto you."

I believe that IC's and MC's don't want us to tell the OBS's because it can cause more drama for their clients. Their job is to focus on the well being of their clients. They don't give an eff about the OBS, the OBS isn't paying them.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9668 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's simple.....The other BS has a right to know who they're living with, and has a right to make future life decisions based on that.


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 225 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
dindy
♀ Member
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your actions did not break up the OBS' marriage, the WS' did.

I informed the OBS as I didn't want to be part of ex's and OW's dirty secret.

I wish someone had have informed me.

You did the right thing.


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


.. I'd venture to say that your IC has no personal experience with infidelity and betrayal..

..no spouse deserves to be "kept in the dark" ..

..look for another IC.. maybe one that's been cheated on in the past!

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4124 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am echoing everyone else's reasons why you should tell.

The moment the WSes decide to cheat, THEY are the ones bringing in the consequences of those actions. You never know how the truth will find its way out. One BS tells the other, the WS confesses on their own, someone sees the WSes out with their APs and tells the BS....you never know how the truth will come out.

I wish people would stop saying that telling the other BS will "break up their happy family". There is no happy family where there is an affair.

Even if the BS has no idea what is happening and believes him/herself to be happy. It is a lie.

Always tell the truth. Always.


Posts: 3387 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
BAB61
♀ Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would want to know.... I would tell the BS. Both OW that I know about are D, I think my STBX was afraid of getting caught by a jealous BH. I did tell the one slunt on her fb that I knew about her rendezvous with STBX and that now she only had her BF to cheat on. She promptly blocked me, I didn't tell the BF because he was after the last known rendezvous.


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You absolutely did the right thing.

I sent a note to the AP's estranged H letting him know about the A. We were friends, not really that close but still he knew me and my H, had hung out with us a few times. Come to find out that he had really strong suspicions about my H and his WS long before I did. He never shared them with me bc he was afraid he'd come off as bitter about their separation and that I would think he was bad mouthing his WS, who was a "supposed" friend of mine. Gosh, how I WISH he would have shared that suspicion with me. What you did was an act of mercy, IMO.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 498 | Registered: Jan 2014
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