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User Topic: They tell me I shouldn't have informed the Other Betrayed Spouse
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Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I completely agree with what everyone said. Personally, I told because..well, I could. Yep, I didn't have any other reason than I wanted her to suffer some consequences too.

This is what my counselor told me: Do whatever helps YOU in your healing.

So - thats what I did.

When my husband used the argument of "not wanting to hurt her husband or family" my response was: "but its ok for me to hurt..and why weren't either of you thinking about that when you embarked on the affair?"

I was simply looking out for myself.

[This message edited by LivingALie at 9:57 AM, February 10th (Monday)]

Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Nov 2007
♂ Member
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sunlight is the best disinfectant.

Bring the filth into the light.

Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
♀ Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You certainly did the right and moral thing. Why do people have such a hard time with the "truth"?

My favorite quote:

That which can be destroyed by the truth should be.
P.C. Hodgell

"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 467 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
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Member # 38904
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

“What you don’t know can’t hurt you” seems to be the consensus on informing, between those IC’s.

IC insinuated that my telling had changed nothing.

After emailing him, I have never heard back from OBS, although I am certain he read my message. There is no contact and I have no way of knowing if he and OW are still together. So, I don't know if my telling changed anything in that respect.

What I do know, is that OW has been sending out more or less "read between the lines" social media messages about my H for quite a while now, during the affairs, and even now, a year after DD2, because she still wants him to remember she is his twin flame and he needs to leave me for a glorious future with her. My husband doesn’t read these messages but I found her online.

So in that respect, again, I have no way of knowing if OBS did anything with the information I sent him. Maybe he doesn’t really care what she does anyway?
(Now if it were my spouse that was letting the world know she yearns for another man, every day, for over a year, I would not be happy with that. I would feel like a fool if I was married to a person that would openly long for another man.)

But still, I didn’t want to be a part of the secrecy that the affair thrived on. And: even if nothing in their marital status changed, I still felt I had a “right” to tell – I am involved in this, and so is he.

Posts: 723 | Registered: Apr 2013
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Member # 29565
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They're dead wrong. Couldn't be more wrong if they tried harder to be wrong.

You did the right thing.

There were people that knew what my WH was up to long before I did. They called themselves my "friend" and smiled through their lying teeth, all the while knowing my WH was putting me at risk by going with drug addicted, street hookers. I did eventually get a STD, thankfully non fatal.

I've cut them out of my life because they are, quite simply, cowards for whom I have no respect.

Maybe it would help your IC to understand a little better if you printed out this thread?

Posts: 166 | Registered: Sep 2010
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Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If the OBS's wife is having an affair with another man, is the betrayed husband's family "happy"? Or does he (erroneously) just think it is?

Age: 64..ummmmmmm,, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks

Posts: 7284 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
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Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IC insinuated that my telling had changed nothing.

IC missed the whole point. Telling, allowed you to remain in alignment with your own conscience and value system. IC is in fact about YOU.

It may not have "changed" anything for the OBS, but it keeps you acting in alignment with you and what you value.

[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 10:37 AM, February 10th (Monday)]

BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one

Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
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Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think therapists have to say that, as they don't know the other couple and the person could be violent, unstable, etc. Their focus is on you, and your healing.
Yeah, something along these lines. I don't know that they HAVE to say it, but I think many times the IC looks at it objectively like this: These people are my clients. Those people are not. This situation is fucked up and messy as it is, and it's probably only going to get messier if these two families somehow get further entangled, whether through a break in NC, or violence and/or police involvement.

I think that the IC is many times trying to stop a super-complicated situation from becoming more complicated.

Doesn't mean I agree with it....

I agree with what everyone else said. The other BS has the right to know her reality and not live a lie. Being that she's not the one who fucked up, her rights get priority over the two WS and/or her inauthentic marriage.

I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2169 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
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Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why does your IC think the AP deserves to be protected in any way?

Also, there is a high probability her BS already suspected something was up and this just confirmed it.

If anything you HELPED her family. Yes, painful at first to hear about it this way but in the end best for everyone involved.

ETA- why is it that almost every affair advice book or website out there recommends telling the other BS as a way of shutting the affair down for sure? I don't think you did anything wrong at all.

[This message edited by womaninflux at 10:38 AM, February 10th (Monday)]

BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
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Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These two things concern me about your IC:

In telling you would break up a happy family.

I'm not going to debate whether the family is happy or not. What I will say is that any IC worth anything helps their patient only own that which is theirs to own.

Would the telling be the cause of any breakup? Or would it be the A? Let's see, without the A there could be no telling. Without the telling there still could be the A and accompanying gas lighting and mistreatment of the BS that could end in D anyway (as happened in the case of MrH's 2A). Without the telling there is risk of discovery and subsequent breakup.

So which choice results in possible breakup of a "happy family"? The telling or the A?

A crappy IC will blame you telling the truth.

My second issue is the IC saying it didn't change anything. Again, a good IC is focused on the change in you, not others. This goes back to owing your choices. You can change you and your situation. Let's say telling didn't change the M. Your IC should be focused on you. How do you feel about telling? About nothing changing? Can you get to a place where you accept nothing has changed if a part of you wanted to cause OW pain? Dealing with all of that.

These two ICs are crappy, IMO.

Please do future patients a favor and leave honest reviews for them online. Also, if you ever see them on the SI list for counselors, please PM a mod and let them know why they should be removed.

I say good for you for telling. The BH in 1A actually knew the A was PA because he was involved in trying to convince us to partner swap. I never knew until after the 2A. I never told the BH in the second A because I found proof the xOw2 had left him after the A but before the PA portion started. They D and I regret not telling him what happened to the end of his M. I still wonder if I should.

You don't have to live wondering. You did the right thing for the BH and yourself.

"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11229 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Member # 41012
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't read all the responses. But I guess it all depends on the "how" and the "reasons".

In my case, the OBS was also a friend of my WH and of mine. He had threatened to WH to tell HIM more details or OBS would tell me everything. Therefore, I just found out because of that.

I didn't appreciate being a pawn in OBS's issues. Later OBS tried to do it again. OBS told me stuff to "get" to WH.

I would have been ok with OBS telling me if he had my interests at all involved. (If that makes sense.)

[This message edited by myeverafter at 11:06 AM, February 10th (Monday)]

Me - BW 35
Him - fWH 37
D-Day: 7/13
2 yr EA; 8 mo PA.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Oct 2013
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Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

obs knew about 10 days before I did. I still wish he had told me as soon as he found out. He gave me 10 more days of pain and delayed my healing by 10 days.

I think you should talk about this with your IC, and you should tell her about SI. If she expresses a judgment about SI without checking it out, I'd dump her.

If she doesn't change her view on outing the A, I'd probably dump her.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10374 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
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Member # 41745
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Screw that. You did the right thing...I would sure as hell want to know if my spouse was putting my sexual health in danger. The only reason I can think of is that it would create more drama and stress for you that you don't need right now but whatever...they have a right to know plus it makes you feel better now she can get a taste of her own medicine in her family life. I wouldn't regret it in the least.

"The grass is greener on the other side because of all the shit that is used to fertilize it"
Him: WH after 8 yrs to think he held my hand during labor twice
Me: thought I was a cool loving wife
D Day: 7 mos ago RIP soul

Posts: 213 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Dante's Inferno
♀ Member
Member # 41717
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I can say is that I appreciate the other BS having told me. He did me a favor. I doubt I'd feel differently if I had children.

Me: BS 30
WH: 30
No kids
Divorced in June 2014
Together 10 yrs, Married for 3 of those yrs
OP: Ho worker
Divorced June 2014

Posts: 162 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nj
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish someone had told me.

My WH was having sex with prostitutes and all the people in his squadron knew about it (they were all doing the same thing). If someone had told me then I would have had one child, still been in my early 20's and had more options.

I wish that when WH had a ONS with his howorker, the OBS had told me. He knew about it, and he divorced her, but no one ever thought about telling me. At that point I would have been in my mid-to late 20's, with two kids, but no mortgage. Less options than the first scenario, but still a good set of options.

Instead I got to find out on my own 5 years after the ONS. I now have 3 kids, a mortgage, and multiple pets. I have been a SAHM for 12 years. Very few options now, other than stay and try to work it out.

You did the right thing. Don't let someone make you feel bad for letting another person know the truth about their life. They deserve the truth.

Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.

Posts: 1171 | Registered: Jul 2012
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Member # 41377
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

absolutely the right thing to do! I would've been more pissed if obs knew and didn't tell me. exposure-exposure-exposure. Not only do I have me watching wh moves, obs is watching bimbos moves. Howorker is rugsweeping and gaslighting so obs has thanked me for giving him peace knowing that I know what my wh is doing, when and where.

[This message edited by lostinthesouth at 3:33 PM, February 10th (Monday)]

Posts: 109 | Registered: Nov 2013
solus sto
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Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They're wrong.

I say this as a wife who was kept in the dark about the first infidelities for over a dozen years.

More than a dozen years of wondering why there was a wall between me and my husband (not knowing it was erected of lies and secrets). More than a dozen years of believing there was something horribly wrong with me, because I could not penetrate this wall. More than a dozen years of being told I was crazy, imagining things, trying to ruin everything. More than a dozen years of being blamed and blaming myself.

It was sheer hell, with a happy face slapped on its surface.

And it permitted my husband to bury memories, shield his brokenness, seethe, and set himself up for more cheating.

If I had known, I would have known to be tested for STDs (and I was infected). I would have been able to make INFORMED decisions about my life.

I was not given that choice.

[This message edited by solus sto at 4:17 PM, February 10th (Monday)]

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8844 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
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Member # 42406
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd tell the other BS in a hot second and anyone who tried to tell me I shouldn't have would be told where they could get off. That's just ridiculous.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Washington
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Member # 33506
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that you did the right thing; I just posted about this question in the D/S Forum yesterday before following through with informing the OBS in my own situation. He was extremely grateful and relieved to be brought into the loop of truth; as someone acknowledged yesterday, why should 3 out of 4 people know what is really going on?

Separated, January 2014, soon to be divorced

Posts: 13 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: NY, NY
New Member
Member # 42358
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think counselors often focus on the recovery of their patients and part of that is disengaging totally. That said, the otther BS deserves healing, too. And its not a happy family if its built on lies. You go for doing the right thing for you.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: forwardfromhere
Topic Posts: 46
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