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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: New NC letter?
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Advice please. WS established NC with AP in mid-Dec with a phone call. He did it when I was out of the house, despite the fact that I asked to be present. He says he was too afraid for me to be there and now realizes that this was a big mistake. He has recently asked me whether I would like him to send her a NC letter that I can read and that explicitly states that he loves and wants me, that he does not love or want her, that what she and he did was wrong, etc. My first reaction was NO WAY and I was actually upset and told him that I thought this showed he has unfinished business with her. He said no, that he wants to prove to me that he loves me and that AP sees this.

What do you guys think? I'm still thinking no, probably not a good idea, she's out of our lives, why give her another lifeline to him? But I'd like to hear others' opinions. Thanks very much.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 554 | Registered: Jan 2014
alifeforesaken
♀ Member
Member # 41139
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is he asking? is it out of the blue? Have you expressed concerns that he never made the call or still need reassurance that it they are NC?

I'm not sure what to suggest, there are much more experienced and knowledgeable people on there that may have a suggestion.

We drafted a NC letter together, my concern still lies in that he physically handed to her, not mailed it, and I still question whether he ever did.


BW (31)
WH (32)
Children (1yr) (1 due Mar '14)
DD#1 - 9/28/13 DD#2 11/24/13

Posts: 84 | Registered: Oct 2013
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If NC has been maintained since mid-December I would not re-contact with a new letter. The new letter will show thta she is still on your minds when indifference is the goal. It could be used as an excuse for new contact.

He could write the letter for you to read.

If he wants to prove his love to you he could read Not Just Friends by Glass and/or Sexual Detours by Hines and discuss with you how these books do or do not apply to your M and his A.

He could keep you updated with his IC where he is working out his issues (he is in IC isn't he?).

He could apologize to you in front of any family or friends who were aware of his A.

Best wishes...


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. It came up bc I was angry about not being present for the phone call and questioned whether it really happened. At this point, I THINK I believe he called, but won't ever really know.

The new letter will show that she is still on your minds when indifference is the goal. It could be used as an excuse for new contact.

That's what I was thinking.... She's waiting to swoop back in. She already tried to break NC last month by liking a work-related tweet of his through the company where she works' Twitter account that she manages. H has blocked her personal Twitter account and now this company is blocked too.

He starts IC this week with our MC. We've read some books together and he is reading on his own too, which shows me that he at least cares enough to do that.

Taking things slowly....


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 554 | Registered: Jan 2014
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We re-sent NC letters so that I could read and approve them. I can't say there was an AP "waiting in the wings" but with one they hadn't seen each other for over a year. I still needed it. One was an EA in the works. He had texted her already to say "we can't text anymore, it makes my wife uncomfortable" when she said she understood he responded with "you're the best". So, ya I needed there to be a "propper" NC letter sent.

The only AP we didn't send one to was the one whose BS told me in the first place. H had done his own version with all of them but we did them again together. We've never heard from any of them since.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 951 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
mezmer
♀ Member
Member # 42406
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Veronique,
If I were in your shoes I would have him write the letter and put it in the mail myself. She has already attempted a bit of contact, so another reminder to her that she's out might be appropriate, and it will mean you will know for sure that it's been done. Win, win.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Washington
Neverwudaguessed
♀ Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like the letter could be written together, and held on to. That way if she contacts or attempts to contact again, you have one already drafted and you can put it in the mail yourself. However, if she hasn't contacted since December, maybe no news is good news?? These AP need just the slightest excuse to try to work their way back in. Don't even give her the chance to take an appropriate action and twist it in her mind as a reason to start back up again. Just my knee jerk reaction upon reading this, as my H and I have been tossing this around quite a bit ourselves because of Facebook posts that are not appropriate but don't quite cross the line in a way that she can be called out only police or anything. After much deliberation, we decided that silence is the best message; for nowÖ.


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 650 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Neverwudaguessed
♀ Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wondering if you had made a decision regarding the letter. Did you and your husband write one together? Was he receptive to the idea?


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 650 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mezmer, yes she recently favorited a tweet thru her work account apparently "trolling" for a response. Just crafty enough that she did it thru her work's account so maybe I wouldn't notice.

No we haven't sent the letter. My instinct is not to and MC has recently agreed. Idk... My gut tells me if we show any interest (pos or neg) she get off on the attention. Empathy and moral levels of the OW are wayyyy off.

I do like the idea of H writing one to have for me to know his thoughts and also to have on hand to send later should I change my mind.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 554 | Registered: Jan 2014
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like the idea of you and your H jointly writing a new NC letter and yet not sending but I think that you might consider a twist to that.

I would almost think that it would work better if the NC letter was initially written by your WS on his own. The act of writing it on his own might be revealing insofar as the words and phrases that he would pick to communicate NC could serve to illustrate his views on this issue.

After he wrote it, I think that you should get a chance to sit down with your H and make any edits that you feel would improve on the letter. For instance, you can insist that stronger working be incorporated in the letter in order to properly set the tone.

Only once you are satisfied as to the words and tone of the letter, should you then seal it the envelope. I would think that the closing point in the NC letter would include a paragraph that clearly states that any breakage of NC would result in legal steps being taken. The threat of a RO would go a long way in ensuring that the OW would reconsider any trolling.

Just some thoughts ...

HUFI


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you don't have a burning desire for this, then I definitely wouldn't do it.

The trouble with communication of any kind, is that no matter what you say, they can twist it around to mean something they want to hear.

So, silence is usually the best course. Hard to misinterpret that.

We have the same situation with the phone call. And worse, I TOLD him to do it. It's the biggest mistake I made in all this....he was still foggy and the call was not at all in the spirit of a NC letter.

It still drives me crazy, but I know any further contact would be worse...so, oh well. And BLAH.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Veronique12, I just posted something on this page as the AP called yesterday but left no message for my H approx. one year after NC was stated. That NC was delivered in a phone call Dec. 2012 - one that I was not present for (I wish I was but had no clue what I was doing at that point). It was again delivered face-to-face one month later when he attended a conference and she was there.

The advice I got from my post was more in favour of NOT sending an official NC. But hey, you can see for yourself on the post what people have to say and why.

I would like my H to write a NC letter now - not to send - but I would like it on paper to read. It might somehow comfort me given that I was not there for that initial call.

[This message edited by LA44 at 9:57 AM, February 13th (Thursday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2462 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 12

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