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User Topic: I need a friend
FindMyselfAgain
♀ Member
Member # 36969
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

I have been so alone and lonely for so long. I am tired of feeling lonely and alone. I used to turn to WH, that was fruitless.

I don't interact with other adults. I don't know if I even know how. Put me in a room full of kids and I'm fine, I understand the innocence and hope. But I am not a child.

I have basically been a recluse for over a decade. I don't drive, I don't go places. I stay home and take care of the family and the home. I don't know how to do something that is supposed to be natural.

I think I would make a great friend. Not trying to be vain, I promise. But how do you make friends?

Feeling kind of stupid as I type this...


DDay: October 7, 2011
R finally started in earnest: April 2014

Posts: 202 | Registered: Sep 2012
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You reach out.
Try taking a fun class, Zumba, Salsa, Swing. You can take guitar lessons, or go back to school part/full-time.
I just heard about those meet up sites where you can go hang out with folks that have the same interests as you.
Do you have a neighborhood watch? I always end up making too much food and then crossing the street to my neighbors. After a while, they started reciprocating and we hang out on weekends sometimes drinking wine, etc.
Maybe do some volunteer work for a women's shelter, or the Salvation Army, humane society!!!

ETA: Or throw a G2G in your area. It doesn't have to be anything big, you can have it at the local wing and pizza place and just hang out with folks that won't judge you and know exactly what you are going through!

[This message edited by StillLivin at 1:48 PM, February 10th (Monday)]


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2335 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The library is a great place to meet new people. My library has loads of activities. You can even sign your children up for activities and you can meet the other parents. I LOVE going to our library. Mine offers free yoga classes, computer classes, book clubs etc... That's not to mention the kids activities. Check out your library and see what they have going on.

Please don't feel stupid. You're not.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You got "I am a great friend" written all over you!

Look to the kids you mentioned for clues. They will walk up to someone and ask, "want to be my friend? Want to play ____?"

It still works the same way as we get older or taller.

Do you have neighbors? Do you have public transportation in your area? Do you go anywhere with your kids? Do you have a church family?

These are the avenues to meet and make new friends. You like kids, having a Mom and her kids over for a play date is a great way to meet up.

If there is transportation in your area look for a meetup group. Church can be a good place to meet people. I find that as adults we assume everyone else is too busy and yet most people would like to have more friends!


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6605 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't feel stupid. You're not alone.

I don't seem to know how to make friends. I've been told it's because I'm too smart, too honest, too...whatever.

I just can't seem to make a real friend. Someone who wants to call me to check in on me and would like me to call them. Someone I can joke with or that will call me if she needs a hand with something.

I have lots of acquaintances. I see them, volunteer with them. We're on friendly terms, but for the most part when our time together is done, there's no extra reaching out, KWIM?

So I analyze what I did, what I said...what's wrong with me that I'm alone.

It can be crazy making and make you feel more alone. So that's the only answer I have as a fellow friend seeker. I hope just you knowing you're not alone in this will help somewhat.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11229 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
AppalachianGal
♀ Member
Member # 31672
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate. I don't have a single friend that I can really count on. I've never played well with other females. I always did better with the boys. I'm not a tomboy, but for whatever reason, most women do not like being around me. It was that way in school also. I think we should BOTH get out there and LIVE!


BS (me) 41; WS, 44
DD#1- 09/07/10 secret cell found, texting ho-worker. Denies EA/PA
DD#2- 12/29/13 admitted ONS (1993) with bar slut 3 yrs into marriage
DD#3- 01/21/14 ho-worker from 2010 involved "one-time BJ."

Posts: 447 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: TN
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggle with agoraphobia. I can generally go to private homes, but public places are very difficult. I have struggled with this for years, but the A has made it much more difficult and pronounced.

I joined a book club and I love it. Book stores, libraries, churches, etc have ongoing book clubs open for members. I have gotten close to a few of them.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1527 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with what others have said. Find something you're interested in and then join a group devoted to that. Meetup.com is a good place to start.

As for talking to new people, it's pretty easy. I've been told that I'm great at making small talk. I wasn't always like that. I had severe Social Anxiety Disorder and still do have it to some degree. I've just managed to work around it.

For instance, if you join a book group, you can walk up to someone and say, "Hey did you read so-and-so's new book? What did you think?" or "I really want to read something new and different. Have you read anything you loved lately?"

After that all you have to do is let them talk. People love to talk about themselves and share their opinions. You just have to add little comments here and there, "Oh yeah, I heard that was excellent!" or "That's really interesting!"

Its like anything, it gets easier with practice.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.


Posts: 1171 | Registered: Jul 2012
TrulySad
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone needs at least one good friend. It can make the worst of times bearable, and the so-so times so much better.

If you don't know how to interact with other adults, it's ok! Take it slow and don't be discouraged. I think so many adults are in the same boat. I don't know if it's an inability though. I think it's actually caution, waiting for some common ground, a need to become relaxed around certain people, and maybe some fear and insecurity.

Are you a mom? If so, there are so many ways to meet people. Even if your kids are older.

*Volunteer at their school. Make it twice a week. And even if their teacher doesn't need it, other ones do.
*If you have younger children, arrange play dates and invite the other mom(s) for coffee.
*Look on FB for moms groups, or just groups in general that do scrapbooking. I will tell you, I did the scrapbooking thing for a while. I HATE SCRAPBOOKING. Don't really have the time. But it was time spent with friends, and that's what I needed.

Even if you don't have children, there are lots of ways to get out there. Just remember to not give up.

*If you are spiritual, find a church and attend on Sundays. Also, many churches have women's groups that meet for many reasons: Bible study, moms support, divorce care, etc.
*You don't have to know how to bowl to join a league. And I promise you they will pull you in, even if you're not very good. Many meet during the weekday, and it's not very expensive.
*I met most of my friends by volunteering with the Boy Scouts. It took a little while, but they are some of the best people I know.
*Local Book Clubs
*I have a friend who found some groups via the internet, that interested her: paranormal, archeology, plants.

There is so much out there. You just have to decide for yourself to get up and go make the effort. I was a SAHM for 18 years, when I finally decided to leave my ex WH. I let go of my shyness, and put myself out there. I discovered people actually liked me, and that all along it had been my XH who'd made me think I'd never do well with people.

Good luck! And remember... there are always many of us here who could always use a good friend too


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 456 | Registered: Jun 2013
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Find)))))

I know exactly what you are talking about. I am living it too.

In my case, I am great at small talk. I can go to every meet up, tons of churches, etc. etc. and have lots of acquaintances.

The problem is I can't seem to cross over into friends. I don't have any either. I have been this way since my late teens. Obviously I am doing something really wrong in that department.

I have gotten used to being a loner. It rarely bothers me any more. I still keep trying to make a true friend....but I now have no expectations of having a friend, so it is what it is.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 10:05 PM, February 10th (Monday)]


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2713 | Registered: Jan 2010
industriousbee
♀ Member
Member # 41324
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to feel this way too, then I joined a team sport. MAybe a gym, community fitness class, yoga class etc would be a great place to start.


Married 8 years
ME BS 30
HIM WS 33
DD 1.5 years old
DDAY 11-13-12

Posts: 116 | Registered: Nov 2013
4everfaithful83
♀ Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have tons of new friends here!! Granted it sucks that you had to find new friends this way...but still.

Everyone else is right! Take a cooking class or join a book club! What are your hobbies??


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
scangel3
♀ Member
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have the same problem, my only friends are family and family friends my only friend I can turn to and really talk to is also my mom's friend, and lately has been keeping her distance. I suck at making friends!!! I decided to check out meetup.com and I found quite a few groups in my area that interest me, I joined, view all the events coming up, they sound fun, now I just have to make myself go. I hate feeling left out,and I'm quiet until you get to know me, so the first couple meetings are always awkward, and that holds me back.

We all need a good friend or two, someone we can lean on and can lean on us. I hope we're all able to find them.


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7488 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
mandan66
♂ Member
Member # 40075
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, February 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Find))
See, lots of people feel like you do---be proud you were brave enough start a post about it!
I have struggled with this for years; my WW and the D didn't help.
But, in a lot of ways, it did help. I was hurt so bad, that I new I needed to get out of the house (am a stay home/work out of the home dad) when the kids were in school.
So I started to look for places to volunteer at. Places where people had it worse than I did, frankly. Much worse! It really helped me put things in perspective, and just be more grateful, and open up more. Here were people that needed me.
And wah-lah! Started making friends with other volunteers, and also gained some badly needed self-confidence.
But you gotta throw yourself out there!


Me: 47; WW: 48
2 DS: 9, 14
M:18--T:19
DDay: Jan/13
Divorced and Done!--7/13

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: KS
FindMyselfAgain
♀ Member
Member # 36969
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for responding. And my heart goes out to all of you that are feeling similarly.

Honestly, when I posted this, I knew much of the advice I was going to receive...it's the same sort of thing that I would say to someone else.

It is just so very hard. Not trying to make excuses. Really, I'm not. My truth simply IS that I have allowed myself to be isolated, alienated, what have you...

Going places to meet people is extremely difficult when the same person you rely on for transportation is the very one that slowly guided you into being a recluse, a shut-in.

I am reaching out. It may only be in an anonymous forum, but it is still reaching out. For me, this is HUGE!

It took a long time for me to get so beaten down. And I had a lot of help from one that I thought was supposed to support me and lift me up. I am not so foolish as to think climbing back (and relying primarily on my own strength) will be quick or easy.

Thank you for the encouragement and suggestions. I will be following some of the advice that has been given. It may take me a little while, but I will get there. Baby steps are just fine by me.

And though we may never meet IRL or even learn each others given names, I am honored to receive the friendship that is so beautifully expressed here. Thank you, again.

And (((hugs))) to any of my new friends here that could use one.


DDay: October 7, 2011
R finally started in earnest: April 2014

Posts: 202 | Registered: Sep 2012
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baby steps are just fine by me.

This is all anyone can do. You'll get there. I have faith.

(((HUGS)))


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
jackie89
♀ Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How about cooking for them?

Everyone loves a free meal or at least a meal that someone cooks for them!

Invite them into your home.

You love kids, so maybe start by inviting a small family, or a single mom and her kids.

Or volunteer at a church, or a soup kitchen.

You would be surprised how fast you could form friendships through food.


Separated/divorcing

"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~


Posts: 509 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
cancuncrushed
♀ Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im with you sister. This is the very thing my daughter slung at me this weekend. Advice is great, and there are alot of choices. The problem is, for me, I just dont fit in. I hate doing it alone. Nothing worse then walking in alone, and it stays that way. I think in honesty, we are depressed, still. It takes the motivation away. We feel hopeless in everything. ANd then there is the I dont care, stage.... I have never been good at making friends. I always, come home and think I said something stupid. I lack confidence. After infidelity, and hard knocks growing, up this is normal... So.... Find that effort. Im trying. Its a deep hole. i think people can feel this and sense this about us. ANd that is more why, they are stand offish. Vicious circle.
My one saving grace is the zoo. Its a wonderful memory for my kids and me. They are grown, and we still visit often. Sadly, I had to overcome the trigger it became after DDay. It was a reminder of how happy I thought we were, and were not actually.... I managed to separate it, because my kids and I went alone. always..Its our place....Now its my place. Fresh air, happy faces, animals, seasons make the zoo very different. I cant wait to go Friday. Its will be warm here. If you were here, I would take you.
Winter is almost over. Just having warmth and sunshine will help. I had a huge hurt ths weekend, because I said too much about A to my daughter...I know its a release, and I have no body to talk to. I am embarrassed and ashamed. I apologized. I am still hurting. But Im ok. I slipped. I made a mistake. We can get past this. I am only human.
Just walking around the neighborhood can help. There are people also, alone. It hard for me to have anything in common..


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 951 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
cancuncrushed
♀ Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im with you sister. This is the very thing my daughter slung at me this weekend. Advice is great, and there are alot of choices. The problem is, for me, I just dont fit in. I hate doing it alone. Nothing worse then walking in alone, and it stays that way. I think in honesty, we are depressed, still. It takes the motivation away. We feel hopeless in everything. ANd then there is the I dont care, stage.... I have never been good at making friends. I always, come home and think I said something stupid. I lack confidence. After infidelity, and hard knocks growing, up this is normal... So.... Find that effort. Im trying. Its a deep hole. i think people can feel this and sense this about us. ANd that is more why, they are stand offish. Vicious circle.
My one saving grace is the zoo. Its a wonderful memory for my kids and me. They are grown, and we still visit often. Sadly, I had to overcome the trigger it became after DDay. It was a reminder of how happy I thought we were, and were not actually.... I managed to separate it, because my kids and I went alone. always..Its our place....Now its my place. Fresh air, happy faces, animals, seasons make the zoo very different. I cant wait to go Friday. Its will be warm here. If you were here, I would take you.
Winter is almost over. Just having warmth and sunshine will help. I had a huge hurt ths weekend, because I said too much about A to my daughter...I know its a release, and I have no body to talk to. I am embarrassed and ashamed. I apologized. I am still hurting. But Im ok. I slipped. I made a mistake. We can get past this. I am only human.
Just walking around the neighborhood can help. There are people also, alone. It hard for me to have anything in common..


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 951 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
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