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User Topic: Trying to move forward
jubbyboi617
♂ New Member
Member # 42386
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello. Since this is my first post, I'll give a background and a quick overview before I ask for help.
My wife and I were married for 10 years- seemingly very happily. In October, she found the OM on a very popular social media site. The acquaintance was not initially relationship or sexual in nature. After time, she liked the excessive attention and began texting and calling, including sexting after time went on. At the start of this January, the OM wanted to get together (he was across the country) and meet. She allowed it (or encouraged it- I don't know). To make this happen, she came up with a false story that was altruistic in nature, but it had to do with her line of work. *I cannot say what because it gives away her business* She picked him up and they had sex, went places, and spent 3 days together.
The OM sent me evidence that led me to confront my wife 2 days after the encounter ended. My wife was struggling with telling me for fear of consequences and (according to her) didn't want to leave. She tells me that she was so excited with the new attention and someone falling all over her.
We spent days on end- sometimes through the night- working through things, going over the weekend, and how we got here. She was extremely forthcoming after I explained that I just need to know to make a decision. I first gave her the decision to leave- calmly and truthfully. If she wanted to leave, I wanted to give her what she wanted. Keeping her because I have this attachment and love is pointless if she doesn't really want it. I have had soooo many questions answered and I feel like the critical answers are true. She told me she doesn't want to leave and she doesn't want to leave me. I don't want to leave and I don't want her to go. She was so emotional and felt horrible about it. I can see and feel (beyond her telling me) that she is sorry. I want to forgive her and move on. I want things to be the way they were before. I can she that she's trying so hard. She's not hiding anything--- I can have (or hack, if needed-- but I don't) access to anything I need. She's provided me accounts/passwords, shut down accounts (especially the account that had primary access to him), and she called him with me present to tell him that I was the one she wanted to stay with. The OM, of course, was not happy- cordial but not happy. Here's my pending thoughts:

1. Their relationship seemed primarily sexual and secondarily emotional. He wanted sex from her and used her- I base this on the story of what happened. He apparently wasn't a good lover. I mostly believe this, although I don't have any evidence. Why am I hung up on this part?
2. I want to really 'lock' things down when it comes to technology, but I don't want to smother her. Should I request/require some of the things that make me feel better if she agrees?
3. A small (read: very tiny) part of me wants to feel what she felt. The newness, the different, the exciting, being wanted, being loved without a feeling of trying to get redemption. Part of it feels like a vindictive reaction, part of it feels like a true need. Other than spite, can anyone relate?
4. We have been intimate, to a point. We have always had excellent sex and we enjoy it. I have avoided intercourse due to a mental hang up and pending an STI test which should come back this week. I have two issues with this. A) Let's say everything comes back negative and we can have intercourse. I want to, but I don't want to--- I don't understand this. B) It must be instinctual, but I wan't to 'claim' her as mine... and she actually wants that. It makes me confused.
5. I've accepted this situation and I feel like I understand it. Our lives seem to be returning to normal, but I still feel the pressure, guilt, and pain in my heart. It kind of feels like tattoo needles versus a knife. I thought if it hurt, it'd hurt--- I've never experienced this emotion before.
6. I hate that when it's needed to discuss this (with a boss at work to explain loss of performance, the doctor's office, etc.) it's initially my fault... until she tells them that it's hers. Even in my mind, I'm partially responsible--- even though she said I couldn't have done anything better realistically (aside from a little more attention). Why?

Well, that's a lot. I apologize if some of that is missing parts of a thought or unclear. I hope someone, anyone, can relate or see the other side for me. Advice, anything is appreciated.


Posts: 1 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Northeast US
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Their relationship seemed primarily sexual and secondarily emotional. He wanted sex from her and used her- I base this on the story of what happened. He apparently wasn't a good lover. I mostly believe this, although I don't have any evidence. Why am I hung up on this part?

In my opinion, I think the BS gets hung up on this because we want to believe that we're better in that arena than the AP. Again, this is just my opinion.

2. I want to really 'lock' things down when it comes to technology, but I don't want to smother her. Should I request/require some of the things that make me feel better if she agrees?

Absolutely! It's not smothering. It's doing what you need to do to feel "safe" again. If she is truly remorseful she won't have a problem with this.

3. A small (read: very tiny) part of me wants to feel what she felt. The newness, the different, the exciting, being wanted, being loved without a feeling of trying to get redemption. Part of it feels like a vindictive reaction, part of it feels like a true need. Other than spite, can anyone relate?

I've seen many threads started about this very thing. It's never a good idea to follow those thoughts/feelings to fruition. I think the through process is "WS got to have fun, why can't I?" It's a normal thought process, just don't act on it. It will just cause more damage which may not be able to be repaired.

4. We have been intimate, to a point. We have always had excellent sex and we enjoy it. I have avoided intercourse due to a mental hang up and pending an STI test which should come back this week. I have two issues with this. A) Let's say everything comes back negative and we can have intercourse. I want to, but I don't want to--- I don't understand this. B) It must be instinctual, but I wan't to 'claim' her as mine... and she actually wants that. It makes me confused.

You want to because she's your wife and you love her. You don't want to because someone else was there. This is all part of the lovely roller coaster we were thrust upon. It sounds like you're getting to the HB (hysterical bonding) part.

5. I've accepted this situation and I feel like I understand it. Our lives seem to be returning to normal, but I still feel the pressure, guilt, and pain in my heart. It kind of feels like tattoo needles versus a knife. I thought if it hurt, it'd hurt--- I've never experienced this emotion before.

You'll have your ups and downs and plateaus. It's all part of the ride. You'll be fine for a few days or even weeks, then BAM! something will happen and you'll trigger and all the pain comes rushing back. Hopefully she'll help you through these moments.

6.I hate that when it's needed to discuss this (with a boss at work to explain loss of performance, the doctor's office, etc.) it's initially my fault... until she tells them that it's hers. Even in my mind, I'm partially responsible--- even though she said I couldn't have done anything better realistically (aside from a little more attention). Why?

Why do you feel it's initially your fault? This is all on her. Whatever issues the two of you had in your marriage is both 50/50 on the two of you. However, the affair is solely 100% on her. You shouldn't feel that you played a role in this. Life gets in the way from time to time, it happens. You can't devote 100% of your time and attention to her. It's not possible. Don't beat yourself up.

I hope some of this makes sense and helps.

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 8:25 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)]


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
annb
♀ Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, jubby, welcome to SI.

First, please take time to read the articles in the Healing Library in the upper left-hand corner...chock full of information that will help you understand the impact of infidelity and how to move forward.

The process of moving forward is a marathon, not a sprint. Two steps forward, three steps back.

I want things to be the way they were before

^^Unfortunately, IMO, infidelity changes a marriage...there is no going back. It will take a very long time to regain trust, not weeks or months, but years, 2-5. Trust and forgiveness MUST BE earned, don't make the mistake of rugsweeping her cheating.

Please don't accept blame for her actions...she is a big girl who knows right from wrong and chose to cheat, a path to destruction for your marriage.

Your wife needs to be an open book, and don't feel one iota of guilt asking her to give you access to everything, her emails, phone records, work voicemails, social media, professional media, etc. It has been almost nine years since my D-Day, and I still have access. Those who have nothing to hide hide nothing. She should be willing to do anything to help you feel safe in the marriage. Accountability for her whereabouts at all times.

Take a few moments to visit the Just Found Out forum and read the posts for newbies, all have a target icon on the left-hand side. You may need to scroll down a page or two or three.

There is also a thread in the I Can Relate forum for Betrayed Men only, many SI veterans down there who will be more than willing to help you through this process.

There's no easy button to push through this nightmare. Just do your best to take care of you, stay hydrated, exercise, and try to eat and sleep as best as you can.

You will survive, your marriage might survive, be patient...you've just boarded the emotional roller coaster, buckle up, many ups and downs along the journey back to a healthy place.

[This message edited by annb at 9:32 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 7589 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
spond
♂ Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you were forced into finding this site, but it will help greatly in your recovery. Visit The Healing Library and the BS FAQ's. They will help a lot. I would also suggest seeing an MC. Also, make sure she is ALL IN and not sitting on the fence at all. She needs to do WHATEVER is needed to regain trust.

3. A small (read: very tiny) part of me wants to feel what she felt. The newness, the different, the exciting, being wanted, being loved without a feeling of trying to get redemption. Part of it feels like a vindictive reaction, part of it feels like a true need. Other than spite, can anyone relate?

I was talking with a friend about this, his view is that the BS should go out and "have fun", because then it would feel like the WS has a "1-up" over the BS.

In my mind, the BS has the "1-up", by not wavering in their loyalty/integrity to their vows, marriage and self.

Whatever you decide it your choice, but don't sacrifice your personal integrity in your choice.

6. I hate that when it's needed to discuss this (with a boss at work to explain loss of performance, the doctor's office, etc.) it's initially my fault... until she tells them that it's hers. Even in my mind, I'm partially responsible--- even though she said I couldn't have done anything better realistically (aside from a little more attention). Why?

It IS NOT your fault that she was weak and went outside the marriage. You can claim part responsibility to the health of the marriage, but never to her poor choice of decisions.

5. I've accepted this situation and I feel like I understand it. Our lives seem to be returning to normal, but I still feel the pressure, guilt, and pain in my heart. It kind of feels like tattoo needles versus a knife. I thought if it hurt, it'd hurt--- I've never experienced this emotion before.

The feelings will come and go. You are still early in the process and each person will heal differently.



BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 412 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 4

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