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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: two pieces of paper
nealos
♂ Member
Member # 35284
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my therapist said, "committing to someone in partnership is like glueing two pieces of paper together... it's impossible to tear them apart cleanly. There will always be parts of you with her and parts of her with you."

I recently found out that my ex is engaged again. There are all kinds of ways I want to judge that decision, but I really just need to accept it and continue to try to move on. Some days are better than others, but I still think about her every single day. Today is an especially difficult day.

I'm in a new relationship myself, and I guess I always though that my feelings would follow my actions-- meaning that if I act like I don't still have strong feelings for my ex, then they'll stop having power over me. I fear that is short-sighted, and that I really need to do more grieving. I feel extremely guilty grieving my old relationship while in a new relationship. I told my current gf that my ex got engaged and that might affect me-- and I'm blessed that she understood that and is supportive-- but I still hate the way it makes me feel.

[This message edited by nealos at 11:12 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)]


31yo WS-SA

“When we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.”


Posts: 258 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: 5280'
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was recently accused of using someone as a "rebound" person for this very reason. I disagree b/c I feel like I've "moved on" in the sense that I maintain NC with my xWH and do not dig for info and feel such animosity towards him that I have no desire for contact.

But for some reason, shit is still there. Sometimes in the form of triggers. Sometimes in the form of changed opinions/viewpoint. I am just a different person because of the horrible things I experienced thanks to him.

And some of my friends and the person who accused me of using him as a rebound both use paragraph 2 to say that paragraph 1 is not true.

I just don't get it. I'm forever marked by what happened to me. I live my life differently (on purpose) because of what happened to me.

I'm sure others will have advice on how to handle this. Certainly I'm under the impression that many see the fact that I still react as proof that I'm still healing. I don't know about that. But I do understand how you feel.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3091 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe that healing is a process. I don't think one is ever "healed" or done with any loss. Feelings are bound to come up when you've been bonded and have loved someone. The emotional reactions and feelings we have to a situation with our ex, or a trigger from that relationship, don't have to guide our actions, but ignoring those feelings or avoiding them isn't the way one should live.

Being fully human means feeling painful feelings. Glad your SO can understand that, nealos.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3130 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
fireproof
♀ Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just my thoughts but I think it is our expectation on ourselves.

Another relationship can't heal the old one- only you can. Take the time to grieve doesn't mean you don't like or should be anything with your current SO. Just means you miss something that is gone.

I think the easiest way is to see the new opportunities to see life a different way. You are free to make mistakes and experience things you never discovered. People are complex and I don't know about the perfect someone for everyone.

Lean on the people who are there no matter what and leave the rest up to fate.

Appreciate the fact you have the potential to love so deeply and put the past to rest.


Posts: 974 | Registered: Jul 2012
nealos
♂ Member
Member # 35284
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you for the feedback... and on multiple levels.

thank you for relating to me, cayc-- even if our stories are specifically different, our experiences can be generally the same. knowing I'm struggling along side other well-meaning folks is really comforting.

thanks for the affirmations that I'm human, beter4me-- that I'm experiencing things in a "normal" way. may sound relatively unimportant, but it is extremely valuable feedback for me concerning my history. and yes, my SO is amazing... I'm a lucky lucky person. ...even if I do feel like crap from time to time.

thank you for pointing out a very very important point, fireproof-- I DO have the capacity to love so deeply. My therapist said the exact same thing, and when you wrote it here, it reminded me... and there was power in the two of you saying so in different contexts... it means more, if that makes sense. I have the capacity for love, and the feelings for my ex are proof of that. I'm grateful for that.

One last thing I remembered, is that I had an epiphany the other day-- we're all in this together. We're all human beings trying to navigate pain and dysfunction, and confusion. We could all stand to be on the receiving end of more love... we could ALL use a little more love. Thanks for sharing that love with me.


31yo WS-SA

“When we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.”


Posts: 258 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: 5280'
Topic Posts: 5

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