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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I Laid The Line Down
♀ Member
Member # 40219
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay!!! I'm so proud of myself. I was kind, loving, and firm. I didn't apologize, defend my choice, nor try to make him feel better about it. It was hard today but I stood. Feeling very positive this evening :)

BS (34)
WS MisterP (37)
Together 14 1/2 years
D Day 03 Aug 13 EA & PA
D Day #2 01 Sep 13 continued EA & PA with OW
Slowly but surely finding my way.

Posts: 172 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Colorado Springs
♀ Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 3:56 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why should YOU defend YOUR position?

I have read your posts and his too and he thinks he is in the driving seat!

Yes- he had a skewed upbringing but that doesn't mean he can foist that onto you.

He knows you were a victim as a child (as was he in some ways) and he seems to have taken on the role of manipulator throughout your M.

He needs to accept that sex is something you both need to normalise right now otherwise it will always be a place where abusive factors will be played out.

No- he doesn't have to be happy that sex is off the table but if he is trying to make you feel bad about that? Then he has some serious work to do!

He should (if he were truly remorseful) be walking over hot coals to help you get through this instead of dictating how you should be feeling!

As someone who was M to a man who thought sex was linked to love I understand some of his skewed thinking but he has to get to a place where he can actually SEE that he is trying to mould and manipulate you. In it's own way it is a subtle form of abuse.

You need to continue to get stronger and break the co-dependency you have with him otherwise you will spend your life dancing to someone else's tune.

The though will surely frighten your WS as he doesn't know any other way to be.

In my own situation- when the crap hit the fan and FWH 'lost control' of me AND the OW he had a total meltdown!

His IC had to get him to see how controlling of us both he was (HE dictated the pace with OW and saw her when HE wanted and they did what HE wanted etc etc)- the fact we both dumped him ? He had a proper "how dare YOU both end things with ME!" moment that scared the crap out of him as he was so in control of both of our strings!

You have laid a line out in the sand- don't move that line because as soon as you do you have just handed back control of your life to your WS.

A couple work together ...not when one dictates or dominates the pace.

That last sentence might seem strange to read when it seems like I am saying you now need to dictate things for a while. But you are doing so for a reason- you are doing so to break the thread of co-dependent living. Stay strong now and your R should start to go well if you both work at it.

I hope you both are able to ride through the first tough months together.
Sex IS on the other side of this- but you both surely want a healthy and active sex life as opposed to feeling like a sex object and/or a porn star right?

You say you had IC after your abuse but did you also discuss healthy sexual boundaries? Did you lay down what makes you feel safe during sex and where the lines can become blurred?
Did you work through what constitutes an abuse in a sexual relationship and when coercion crosses over into manipulation?

Is your WS aware of what constitutes a health coupling during sex and when talking and fantasy has crossed over into his acting out the porn abuse of his childhood? Can he separate you from the plastic women he watched during his formative years or is he trying to mould you into one of the both in as well as out of bed?

These are not questions you need to answer on here- they are just thoughts that entered my head when I saw both of your initial postings on SI.

If you can unravel these then you can weave a new sexual relationship. It is paramount that you do so if you want to R.

So, stay strong in these next few months and focus on the longer term gains.

For your WS- he needs to re-learn that instant gratification sometimes does not lead to long term satisfaction.

Good luck both of you- there are a lot of us people on SI who are rooting for you guys!

BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć

Posts: 1584 | Registered: Jul 2009
Topic Posts: 22
Pages: 1 · 2

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