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User Topic: So broken
scangel3
♀ Member
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 3:52 AM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just feel so broken. I've spent most of my life feeling broken in one way or another, but this is different. 5.5 years ago I thought my husband helped me feel less broken, I could lean on him, trust him, know he'll always be there for me. But 4 years ago he was no longer there for me, and I never really knew what feeling broken was truly like until that year. And yet here I am still feeling broken, but it's different. It's this overwhelming feeling of failure, brokeness. Knowing your spouse doesn't love you crushes your sole. I feel so lost lately, I feel like I'm just barely getting by day by day, I had to drop my classes because of the overwhelming anxiety all of this is causing. I get my kids off to school then either go back to sleep until it's time to pick them up or read. I can't do anything else, not even something nice for myself. If it requires getting dressed and leaving the house I'd rather not do it. That's how broken I'm feeling.

I have no one to talk to about this other then you guys. My one friend I went thru the whole A with, and helped me has distanced herself. My wh I can't even look at, sleep with, I don't desire him what so ever. I could care less what time he came home at night if it wasn't for our 3 kids. I bounce between numb and anger like I'm a bouncy ball. And this overwhelming feeling of being broken is crushing me. I don't know what I want anymore. Sometimes I just want to leave, pack a bag and start over. Something new and a fresh start, but alone. I know I couldn't leave my babies for a long period of time, but that doesn't stop me from visualizing it.

How did I ever get more broken then I already was? I didn't even know it was possible. The pain I felt during his A was nothing like what I've ever felt, it was heart wrenching, struck at my core, wanting to physically hurt my self broken pain. But this is different, I don't know how to describe it other then feeling broken and alone and overwhelming. I know I've said for the past couple of months I'd be leaving once I was done with school. So is this brokeness grief, or what? I can still feel a small part of me holding on to hope, that won't go away for along time, especially while living together. I know that. But why all of a sudden do I feel so broken and overwhelmed. Dday1 antiversary isn't for a few more weeks, and it doesn't feel like the antiversary pain I've had in the past. It's just different!

Thanks for reading along and letting me get some of this out. I have no one else to turn to anymore but you guys.


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 5:03 AM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you in IC? Sounds like profound depression to me. You may need to force yourself out... IC got me out of the house once a week, and I started treating myself to dinner afterward.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2212 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Sammy2013
♀ Member
Member # 41040
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Scangel3))))

You are in a deep depression. I am in the process of pulling myself out of one. My IC gave me 2 weeks to do it before meds are brought in. I know it hurts to get out of bed, believe me, I know. Like you, if it weren't for getting my kids to school I wouldn't even bother getting up at all. S my counselor gave me goals. When I drop the kids at school, I don't go home. Even if it's just sitting int he car in an empty parking lot and listening to music, I am not to go straight home. I am going out and doing things. Saturday I went to a movie by myself. Sunday morning I went to a new church I had been wanting to try by myself. I am a week into it. I do feel better. Getting up still hurts, but not as bad. I have started caring about myself again. It's hard, I know. But for your kids you can't let yourself fall any deeper.

Please, if you haven't done so already, get into IC. And don't be afraid to ask for help.


WH -37; BS (me) 38
Married 12 years, 3 kiddos
First DDay 9/13. 3 more since then (trickle truth sucks). 6 years of Prostitutes, 2 affairs in 2013, SA diagnosis now with 1 relapse so far (massage parlor with happy ending 2/14).
Waiting, observing,

Posts: 207 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southeast United States
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone is right. You are in a deep depression. It is almost impossible to dig yourself out from this. You need to run, not walk, to a clinic or your doctor and get some help NOW!!!
This is not your fault. This is a medical condition. Your body is, obviously, not producing endorphins and needs assistance. The doctor will prescribe medication that will kick start you back up. Please go see someone and be honest and tell them how you feel and why. There is help out there. It sounds like you have probably always had , to some degree, a problem with this. Seek help NOW!!!

Posts: 903 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone is right--not just IC, but medication is called for. You are sick, and stuck, and there is no shame in needing help. You have to save yourself--you're worth it.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3697 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Edith
♀ Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Scangel3,
I am so sorry you feel this way. My first D-day was 02/28/2010, one day before yours. And I am feeling the same way. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Take care.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 339 | Registered: Feb 2013
Sparkle0504
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((scangel)))))

This very much sounds like depression and as the others have said, please, if you only manage to get out of the house one time during the week, make it for an IC or Dr's appointment - they are there to help you and they CAN help you, but you need to ask.

I can relate to this; I had a break down 11 years ago and found the depression as near as damnitt paralysing - the trouble is, from the outside you appear perfectly healthy. I'm not into drug medication myself, so with the help of my very switched on Doc, I found an excellent counsellor, who gently brought me back into the land of the living.

Broken? Yes. Fixable? YES!!!

((Thinking of you))


Me 44 (BS)
Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011
Children - two, mine from my previous marriage
Final straw 6/6/14

You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think (A A Milne)


Posts: 187 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
scangel3
♀ Member
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the support. I know I need IC, I will be calling to set something up. Unfortunately there will be at least a month wait to get into see some one, our insurance sucks! Unless I am having thoughts of harming myself, it takes a while to get in. And I'm not having thoughts of hurting myself, and wouldn't use that to get in sooner.

And yes I have dealt with depression and anxiety for a long time, Anxiety most my life. I've done the meds thing and it only made it worse. I need to find another way out of this without meds if possible. I just can't go back to them yet, they made me so out of it and barely able to function. So I'm just going to have to push myself thru this and hope I can get into ic sooner then expected


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
Topic Posts: 8

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