Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: AnnieRie (45453)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 21/2 Years from DDay
needhlp
♂ New Member
Member # 41957
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone I have posted my profile giving my story. I do want and need some help. Im a 58 year old WH. Do I need to post my whole story on here, which I will gladly do, or somehow can everyone read it. Ill try and cut and paste and put it on here

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast
needhlp
♂ New Member
Member # 41957
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is my story. Im a 58 yr. old man with a 53 year old wife. We have been married for 33 years and, I cheated on her. The first time was in 1993. I was going on the internet to sex chat rooms, and I ended up meeting one woman who was thousands of miles away, and struck up a sexual and emotional affair. After a couple of months my family and I went on a Carribean trip, and, I couldn't wait to send her a postcard telling her I wished she was there. My wife found the postcard before I mailed it, and the trip was ruined, thanks to me. When we got home, first I went to IC, and the the two of us went to MC. Somehow the blame was all twisted onto my wife, and that I needed more freedom. How wrong that was. I wasn't taking it seriously. I didn't believe an internet affair was cheating. I did break off contact with the woman, but I started going back on again to the sex chat lines. My wife found out, and wanted to kick me out. It was then that I realized what I had really done to her, and I stopped going there cold. Im a very closed person, and I rarely talked about it with my wife. That was so unfair to her. I had the freedom to go places and do what I wanted, and, although I wasn't out there cheating, I spent all my spare time for my own pleasure, playing sports, and hanging out with friends, I thouroughly neglected my wife and family. This kept up for years, and, I retired in 2007. I was still just doing things for me, but about in 2009 or 2010 I knew something was off. I was feeling neglected, when really the opposite was true. I didn't see that though. If only I had communicated to my wife, but, like usual I held it in. In 2011 I was at a golf course, and was approached by a woman, that told me what a nice guy I seemed, and how she wanted to start a sexual relationship that would entail whatever I wanted. It was going to cost money though. Without a thought to my wife and grown family, I jumped at it, and went to see her twice. My wife found out, and left for a few days. I cut off all communication with this woman. I know she was a hooker, but in my delusional state, I thought it was all an attraction to me. My wife thinks that I have had other affairs, but, I haven't. I don't have this womans phone number or clearly at all remember where exactly her street is, but, my wife doesn't believe it. Its like I have blocked it. Im pretty sure about the street name. Its about an hour away. Its been 2 and a half years since then, and my wife, who I know really does love me has stayed and tried to work it out. I know what I need to give her, as she has stated it clearly. She needs me to open up and talk about it more. I have a really hard time doing it. Im racked with guilt and shame, and am always scared I will set her off if I talk about it, even though she tells me that's what she needs, When she gets angry, rather than comfort her, I retreat, and that just fuels her anger. I tried IC again, but I wasn't getting anything out of it, so, I stopped after 10 or so sessions. I have been reading this site for about a month now, and I see so many similarities in my story, and some really good advise from members. My wife has finally convinced me to put this on paper and try to work through this better I know I need help, but I have to be a better man for my wife. That's what she deserves

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast
needhlp
♂ New Member
Member # 41957
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One more thing. I want to get rid of the Stop sign. I want to her from all How do I do that?

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will remove it for you, please be careful in the future to unclick it if you're wanting BS replies.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198450 | Registered: May 2002
Sparkle0504
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Needhlp, welcome to SI. I'm sorry you've not had any replies:(

On reading your story, it's raised a lot of questions. Do you and your wife talk freely about your behaviour? Have you been completely honest with her now? Has she told you how this affects her? You mentioned IC, if you're honest, did you tell him/her the truth? Otherwise I wonder if you shouldn't find a different one and try again and look into the possibility of a diagnosis of sex addiction from a CSAT.

As a BS I, like others here, could tell you exactly how it feels to be in your wife's shoes, but it wouldn't be pretty. I have been (rightly) chastised for sticking with my SAWH for 2+ years - how your wife has coped for decades I really don't know, because from my own experience, it's soul destroying. What are you doing currently to heal and help your wife heal?


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 235 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
needhlp
♂ New Member
Member # 41957
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sparkle: Thanks for replying. To answer your questions, yes my wife and I have talked openly about what happened, and I have told her everything. Also I did tell IC everything, and am considering trying someone else. I know exactly how my wife feels, and how much I have devastated her and her life. I should add that I guess the idea of exploring SA is a good idea, however, it was 14 years before I did the internet affair, and then another 17 years before I cheated physically. On re-reading my story, I should have added that there were lots of fun and happy times, not just bad ones. I really do love my wife, and, I know I have to talk more about this to her, everyday if necessary. I just find it so hard . Its like Im scared to bring it up, not wanting to hurt her more. I know I have already hurt her as bad as I could, and its my own reluctance to talk that is causing her anger towards me. One more thing I should add is there was a minor case of sexual abuse towards me when I was 11. I had buried this for so many years when it all came bubbling up this past summer, and, I told my wife. I know it might be a contributing factor. I don't know. Anyway thanks so much for listening

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi needhlp,

Thanks for sharing your story. You say you want to hear from BSs as well as WSs, but I'm not sure what you want to hear. Do you ant advice? Encouragement?

I'm not being rude (I hope) - I would like to provide what it is you're seeking, but I'm afraid it's not clear - to me anyway.

I think it's admirable that you're here seeking answers, and trying to help your wife. I hope you stick around. There are many good people here that have a lot to offer.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Steppenwolf
♂ Member
Member # 38140
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Needhlp,

Welcome. It sounds like you have some good building block to start this reconstruction. A couple of things:


I tried IC again, but I wasn't getting anything out of it, so, I stopped after 10 or so sessions.

Did you let your IC know you were not getting anything out of the sessions?
Do you think your issues are worth a second opinion?
Maybe a different IC?
Did you open up to IC about the abuse?

minor case of sexual abuse towards me when I was 11. I had buried this for so many years when it all came bubbling up this past summer, and, I told my wife. I know it might be a contributing factor. I don't know

I agree that this information might be a contributing factor and something you can build on in IC. I'm not sure that any for of sexual abuse should be considered minor. To me it sounds like you may be minimizing the abuse because you are afraid to ask for help. Maybe I'm reading into it too much.

Have you made the commitment to 100% honesty? Is there anything you may be hiding, consciously or not?

This place is such a wonderful tool for self discovery, one of many tools to help you work on yourself. But it is hard work. Use as many tools as you can find to help you along. Try to be open and welcome help. Show your vulnerabilities. I imagine this path would be impossible to navigate alone.

She needs me to open up and talk about it more. I have a really hard time doing it. Im racked with guilt and shame, and am always scared I will set her off if I talk about it, even though she tells me that's what she needs,

This can be incredibly difficult. Try to remember how hurt she is. If you had a sick child, wouldn't you would give that child what he/she needs? You're scared it will set her off, so you think by not bringing it up, the waters will remain calm. Well, they are not. She thinks about it daily and often I'm sure. Show her that you do too. "Honey, I was thinking about how much pain I have caused you and I want you to know..."

Good luck.


Me: WS- 30s
Her: BS- 30s RockyMtn



Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013
grains
♂ Member
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its been 2 and a half years since then, and my wife, who I know really does love me has stayed and tried to work it out. I know what I need to give her, as she has stated it clearly. She needs me to open up and talk about it more. I have a really hard time doing it. Im racked with guilt and shame, and am always scared I will set her off if I talk about it, even though she tells me that's what she needs, When she gets angry, rather than comfort her, I retreat, and that just fuels her anger.

needhlp - I am almost the same age as you - 59 and 3 years from DDay. In the first 2 1/2 years I did not talk openly about my infidelity to my BS. My BS had to ask me and that really hurts the BS because to them it is an indication of our lack of remorse. How much do we think and reflect on what we have done? If we are sorry and recognize the enormity of the pain we caused them we have to make it known to them. As difficult as it might be for us, it is our obligation. I also turned away and abandoned my BS emotionally when she was expressing her rage and anger. I learned to recognize that when this happens she is not attacking me but she is expressing her pain that I caused. This perspective really helped me. I listen and accept her anger and affirm her feelings and apologize for causing it. I also joined a 12 step group - CoDependents Anonymous. I also seek the help of religious mentors. I also sought the help of IC's. Then there is SI - a wonderful anonymous support group. I apologize to her as often as I can - if not through the spoken word then through the written word. Hang in there. Good luck on your recovery and reconciliation.


WH 60
BS 50
No Children
Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001
D-day 03/01/2011

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2011
needhlp
♂ New Member
Member # 41957
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for all your helpful suggestions. I really do believe a second opinion will help .As far as the sexual abuse is concerned, you are right. Its never minor. I did tell him about the abuse, but, it never seemed to get brought up again. I think I was frustrated with the slowness of getting to the real issues. I realize IC has to get to know you first, and, perhaps I didn't give it enough time. Grains: You have given me some wonderful advice when the anger starts. I do have to realize where it is coming from, and, that she is in pain, and as she tells me scared out of her wits. I have to do a better job. She is most definitely worth it. I must say, that it really feels wonderful just to write all of this down and know that so many wonderful people are out there sharing their experience and advice. I guess Im looking for encouragement that I am on the right path and surely want to hear form anyone.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast
Sparkle0504
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 2:18 AM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Double post

[This message edited by Sparkle0504 at 2:20 AM, February 17th (Monday)]


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 235 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
Sparkle0504
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 2:18 AM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Needhlp. How are things going? Did you have any more thoughts about trying a new counsellor?

Just a thought about your fear of upsetting/angering your wife; if you are completely open with her (have you tried writing a timeline for her?), then she at least has the ability to deal with and heal from what has happened. I and many others BS here will tell you that often the most damaging part is the withholding of truth. How can she/we be expected to move on and heal, eventually forgive, if constantly suspicious that there is more (and she will be).

It's alot about intimacy and mutual respect - with those two things established, you may well find yourselves in a better quality of relationship. But you need to accept that these are things you have to put a lot work in for and relearn.

But as you say, she is worth it:)


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 235 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know exactly how my wife feels, and how much I have devastated her.

If I may be very bold, you have no idea how your wife feels. You see her devastation and you think you can probably imagine her pain, but whatever you imagine is no where close to what she is going through. Your first mistake is thinking you know how badly she is suffering. Take what you imagine and multiply is 100 times. And then you are starting to see the edge, the very edge of her pain. Am I being melodramatic? NO!!!! I am a little over 15 months from finding out about my WS affair and the pain, at times, is so intense that I pray for death because I believe that is the only out from this anguish. I cling to the advise I get from the older ones on this site and pray that they are correct when they say I will feel better in 3 - 5 years. Please understand her pain first and then maybe you can start to help your BS. I hope you can because I know how hurt she truly is. Good luck.

[This message edited by devasted30 at 8:32 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)]


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Topic Posts: 13

Return to Forum: Wayward Side Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.