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User Topic: The Golden Manual
whiteflower99
♀ Member
Member # 13937
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You would be great friends if you'd just take the time to get to know her

She kind of reminds me of you


What are you pretending not to know?

me FBS
him idiotic sex addicted, hormone addled, porn watching, post pubescent male with a walking hard on for anything without a penis
4 kids 15 13 12 8
Earned my *F* the hard way; no longer defining mysel


Posts: 1711 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Greensboro, NC
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It starts with...

"Wow... this is weird... this psycho woman at work got my phone number off the company directory and keeps texting me. She's like 50 years old and really ugly"

Later on...
"I only added her on facebook to be nice. I still have to work with this woman! I'm sure you want me to keep my work contacts!"

And ends...

"Look, I said I'm sorry a thousand times already! What else do you want me to say?"


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AP was a friend of mine/ours:

On what it was that he liked about her, "I thought she was like you."

On what he told her about me/our relationship: "I said I loved you, and she said she loved you, too. . ."

He said he had admired her, and when I asked about what (considering she is mainly a SAHM who lives on facebook, drinks too much, and has a very PT job working the front desk at the gym), he couldn't come up with anything. Not one thing.

And, "We felt so bad about what we were doing to our families. We talked about it constantly. "

About 1.5 months in, that she had googled affairs, and realized they were having one!

And finally, "It was really slow and gradual from the first email. .. very tentative." And then, very shocked when he put together the timeline and it was 2 weeks from the email to "I have feelings for you," and two more weeks to screwing. Yeah -- super cautious -- if you are a rabbit.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 11:54 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1955 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Whatever13
♂ New Member
Member # 41468
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How about chapters 577 and 578, "You stopped trying, so I did too", and my personal favorite, "I didn't feel attractive anymore, and... (fill in the blank)".


Me (BS): 27
Her (WS): 25

DDay #1- 6/09 PA
DDay #2- 3/13 EA

Still riding the roller coaster of ambivalent limbo.


Posts: 28 | Registered: Nov 2013
TheRealDeal
♀ Member
Member # 39560
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was writing down practically everything verbatim before R was on the table. I found these gems to add to my other posts in this thread while going through some stuff.

Can't tell you which chapter they'd fall under but they'd certainly be in the Manual.

"In the perfect world I would have you as my wife and she would be my friend forever."

"it is too painful for me to talk about what I've done to you"

"she is just a convenience"

"but I've told her I still love only you and am in love with only you"

"I had no idea you would get so upset over this."



Me: 45, him: 54
together 18 years
DDay1 March 2013, Dday2 April 27, 2013, Dday3 June 1, 2013
We are in R and trying to make it
Never lose yourself trying to hang onto someone who doesn't care about losing you.

Posts: 249 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Northeast
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H's A did not involve texting or the Internet or Facebook but I know plenty of them do.

MY DS is 25 and his wife is cheating on him. I would so love to share the "cheater's manual" with him but I know it is far too soon for him to see the humor in this thread. Based on what is going on with DS, his wife's comments are also classic and belong in the book:

There is NOTHING WORSE than invading someone's privacy by checking their Facebook/Text messages. That is the one thing that a WS can never be expected to forgive the BS for doing!

(And she did not nothing wrong by having sex with the two guys in a month because her friends who also love the Teen Moms show said she should do what makes her happy). Anybody who does not agree with this is just "against her" and her BS has turned them against her.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 8:52 PM, August 11th (Monday)]


Posts: 5741 | Registered: Apr 2006
bs13
♀ New Member
Member # 44123
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love this! Wish there was a like button for the comments.

Some of the gems I got were:

'We're just friends, she's madly in love with her husband'
'I would never do that to you, I love you.'
'I didn't tell you I went out for drinks with her because I knew you'd be mad.'
'I deleted all our texts because I knew our 'friendship' would make you mad.'
'I didn't know you cared.'
'We didn't have enough time to get to know one another before our DD was born.' Ummm... It's been 17 years since she was born...
'You weren't my Plan B, she was.'
'It's obvious where this relationship is going, it's looking good for you and me'
'Do you really think a 23 year old would want your husband?'
'She was just speaking metaphorically when she said she loved me.'
'We just got confused with our feelings because of the whole gender thing.'
'It just went a little over the top, we were never going to act on it.'
'I was never going to leave you.'
'I would never leave you for another woman.'
'She really hopes it works out between you and me.'
'I know you can't stand her but she really likes you.'
'I was drawn to her because she's happy.'
'In a perfect world I would still be friends with her.'
When confronting him with the evidence on DDay and telling him he needed to move out 'What am I supposed to do?'
'I've always respected you.'
'I didn't want to hurt you.' Is by far my favorite.


Me-BW 38
WH 42
Married 14 years, together 19 years
3 kids- 17, 13, 6
D-day 4/11/14

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jul 2014
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no idea how I missed this until now. This thread should be mandatory reading for new members. Like a study guide.

I also can't believe nobody has mentioned the chapter of
I SWEARS

Like- It's the truth, I swear on the life of our kids, my mother's grave, etc.

From my MIL- " You didn't do anything wrong, she must have done something to make you do that."


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1758 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
saysomething
♀ New Member
Member # 42698
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The day after I kicked wh out he flew to her state to "see what it was with her" (jewelry in hand) and still to this day claims they "never had sex, never even held hands, never kissed"!

Ow repeated that same exact line to me.

Said he would "never stick his d@@k were it doesn't belong...again"

He cheated years earlier...ugh

Do WS actually believe we buy their BS?


BS (me): 40
WS (him): 42
Too many ddays to count!

"Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows"


Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Rugsweep Town
gotcha
♀ Member
Member # 44304
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"How are we ever going to move on from this if you're always mad at me?!"

"(Insert comment about dissatisfaction with sex life)"


Me - 27 BS
Him - 26, SAWH
DS, 9 months
Married Aug 2013, together for 6 years prior
DDay- June 25th 2014
Countless backpage escorts in 1st year of marriage, pre-M affairs and flings (just finding out), web cam girls, you name it.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Jul 2014
Hopeful74
♀ Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't forget the chapter on 'that's not who I am'!! Well it sure as hell was my husband!!!


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
Hurtingnnc
♀ Member
Member # 44284
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love these and heard many of them recently. He also used a few for the chapter on avoiding doing anything to help BS heal.
"I stopped talking to all of them. What more do you want from me?"----Did he want a cookie for stopping what he should have never done in the first place?
"Even if I do the work, you may not trust me next month or year so why should I try?"


Me: BGF 45
Him: WBF
DD#1 5/30/14
DD#2 6/7/14
DD#3 6/18/14
It looks like we are done 9/15/14.

Posts: 75 | Registered: Jul 2014
WastedTime12
♀ Member
Member # 34767
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the chapter of "I Swears",

I remember our 20 year old son asked this man if he was messing around on his mom. Ex looked right at our son and said "No, I swear I am not fucking around on your mom". This was before I actually knew but while my gut was screaming at me. Later, when I looked back on that gem, what ex really meant is I am not fucking around on your mom right now as the bitch is not here bent over in front of me.

Can you tell that one still stings just a little.


Life is meant to be lived, not numbed!

In his quest for freedom, he set me free!


Posts: 116 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How about:
I could tell her anything (he lied to her too)
You were never suppose to find out
I didn't think you loved me anymore
She was fun. I could party with her. And smoke and drink and...
If I ended it, I was scared she'd throw me under the bus.
I made her happy.
I thought I could make a difference in her life. She looked up to me.


Posts: 1171 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Hopeful74
♀ Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And then there is the 'I told her I loved her but I didn't mean it'
But you still said it!! You felt it at the time!
And the best EVER....
'It has never felt like it does with you with anyone else'!


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The "it only happened once...." preface to the "I swear, that's everything" chapter.

Or, even better is the preface of "It was just things going down the wrong path"
(only to discover it it's not going down that path, it's carved, paved, and planted flowers on that path)


Other tidbits that I've found interesting that they're so common:
- The guilt that WS feel when they're in transitions between going from AP and home... but apparently not quite as much from going home to AP
- My AP never cheated on me, I was their first
- I did feel guilt when we had sex, I thought, we shouldn't be doing this.
- They weren't always on my mind (I'd just look for opportunities to walk to the other room to text them)

Is there enough material for the Cheater's Monogamous Club? Where the WS and AP have a discussion how the A can only continue as long as they aren't running around having casual sex, "because I don't want to be f*ing someone whose f*ing other people or being exposed to STDs"? Or was was that a special gold-lined gem of "F* Upped Minds" page in just my husband's book?


"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul." - William Ernest Henley

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
PrtyInPink
♀ Member
Member # 44148
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you would really like her if you just got to know her

THIS I have heard before and it REALLY pissed me off!!!!! After WH's first EA he would always say "I think you two would really get along". Why? Because we both like to shop? Cause that's the ONLY thing I saw that we could have possibly had in common. But my reply was...ok then, why didn't you invite me to go skiing in Colorado with your male friends? And then taken me with you while you had dinner with her and your friends? Maybe I'd have gotten to know her? Fuck that! I don't want to get to know that whore! He went on this trip a year after his dday, which he should have NEVER went. And it pissed me off even more that his friends knew that he had an EA with this woman yet let him hang out with her. Oh wait, that's because they all went to elementary school together. Riiiight


Me: 30ish Him: 30ish (99% sure he has NPD)
Together 14 yrs, Married 9 yrs
His #1 EA D-day 10/20/09
His #2 PA/EA d-day 7/11/14
My EA Dday 10/21/09
My brain says leave, my heart says stay

Posts: 200 | Registered: Jul 2014
PrtyInPink
♀ Member
Member # 44148
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quick suggestion: a chapter about how some cheaters feel so guilty they think you must be up to something to!

Yep...dealing with this now. He cant imagine that I had an EA and felt so disgusted and remorseful that I actually am 100% faithful now. Oh geez, that just CANT be a possibility. And oh of course, since I decided to come clean the day after his dday, and of course since history repeats itself...since he had another dday, then another one of mine must be soon to follow. Love how I'm getting notifications from my cell company saying that my password has been changed. Seriously dude, if you want to check my phone records all you have to do is ASK me what my password is. I'm more than happy to give it to you! And you are more than welcome to go through my phone at ANY time to make sure I'm not up to something. SMG


Me: 30ish Him: 30ish (99% sure he has NPD)
Together 14 yrs, Married 9 yrs
His #1 EA D-day 10/20/09
His #2 PA/EA d-day 7/11/14
My EA Dday 10/21/09
My brain says leave, my heart says stay

Posts: 200 | Registered: Jul 2014
PrtyInPink
♀ Member
Member # 44148
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can add this one:

I was only talking to her "just in case"


(I guess just in case I decided to have another A and he'd have backup to get revenge on me again)


Me: 30ish Him: 30ish (99% sure he has NPD)
Together 14 yrs, Married 9 yrs
His #1 EA D-day 10/20/09
His #2 PA/EA d-day 7/11/14
My EA Dday 10/21/09
My brain says leave, my heart says stay

Posts: 200 | Registered: Jul 2014
AmSoDone
♀ Member
Member # 43871
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's got to be a chapter on denial called 'Not Guilty Your Honour (by reason of insanity)'

Him ' I left because it really was not fair to drag you down and hurt you anymore' - this after he's been gone 6 months and knows I know that he has someone else. Still won't admit it.

and of course the old classics 'it's not you it's me', 'we were not happy' 'I'm very depressed right now' and 'I need to sort myself out and find myself'. yeah whatever



BP(me) 50
WP (scumbag) 52
On-off for 32 years
1DD
1 DGD
Too many D Days to count. Same with OW.

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 166
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