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Newest Member: ReasonableDoubt (44577)

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User Topic: The Golden Manual
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chater 20: Reasons not to tell the Other Spouse

1. He is crazy, and violent.
2. She will sue us if we make it public.
3. He is violent and will hurt her/us/you/the world.

Um yah, whatever......

Chapter 21: I can't believe you the BS has the nerve to not trust me. It can include gems such as:

You will never get over this.
Why should I try, if you aren't commiting to R
I will never have any privacy
Why do you have to be my babysitter


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8064 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
jagged
♂ Member
Member # 32317
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Multiple, repeated variations of:

"I'm not a bad person. So obviously, something's wrong...I'm not happy".

Another documented mystery of the universe, right there.


One foot in and one foot back
But it don't pay to live like that
So I cut the ties and I jumped the tracks
For never to return

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: TX
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chater 20: Reasons not to tell the Other Spouse

4. AP already told them

5. It would break up a happy family


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1075 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
selkiescot
♀ Member
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in for this!


The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
selkiescot
♀ Member
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please dont forge the classic..I never meant to hurt you...
Or I never had sex with her..um that's why I got an STd........


The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1379 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How about some advertisements?

We know we won't need any for condoms , so how about.....

Fog proof glasses!

Unicorn food

Clinic for STDs acquired from toilet seats

Classes on telephone etiquette from a bathroom

VAR detectors

What else????


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1075 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
daisychains
♀ Member
Member # 37997
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How about a chapter explaining that it's not just the spoken word that matters with the lies involved. That the written (typed) word also counts.

eg. fwh told me continuously that he never told ow he loved her -

he emailed her that he loved her and not me but couldn't tell me that otherwise it would really be over between us!

he said he didn't remember typing it - it was his fingers that typed the words and once he pressed send he forgot he wrote it - he never told her out loud he loved her he only wrote it so it doesn't count!

Actually thinking about it, that may have to be cross referenced with the crap they sprout!


LTA 3.5 years

Posts: 83 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: uk
Neverwudaguessed
♀ Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How about, He never told her IN PERSON that they were souldmates and he never stopped loving her. Or, Sex was not good; how could it be when he was thinking of me and the children at home the whole time. WHAAAAAAT?????


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 468 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
SadFlower
♀ Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the chapter on gaslighting:

"I would never do that to you! I know my boundaries!" accompanied by the classic, "We're just friends!"

In the chapter for stupid AP reactions:

When my WH told OW that I had voiced suspicions (this was before D-Day)--OW wrote, "But I thought SadFlower liked me!"



Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 380 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
NeedsHope
New Member
Member # 42431
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1.I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you. Yeah because me crying on the floor until I get a migraine is less painful.
2.You don't trust me anymore.DUH!
3.I need my privacy.Code for I'm a cheater!I'm hiding something!
4.She's just a friend. I can have female friends.
5.It is all in the past. Why can't you let it go? It was 2 weeks ago!

Also, chapters on how to hide a phone, secret email accounts, how to cheat using fb, low self esteem and the OP and how to leave the OP and then come right home and kiss your SO and tell them you love them


Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Posts: 46 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Despair
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I did not have sex with that woman!"

I guess oral is not sex??? sorry if tmi


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1306 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
twitching
♀ Member
Member # 42399
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didnt give her anything that you would have wanted.


"My heart was broken and my head was just barely inhabitable. " - Anne Lamont

Posts: 128 | Registered: Feb 2014
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was depressed and she was like my medicine. I thought it would make me happier and if I was happier I would be a better H - WTF! Yeah, he took that one back the second it was out of his mouth!


Together 18yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 633 | Registered: Jul 2013
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chapters to definitely include.

Chapter about gaslighting. Include the phrases:
It's not like that.
It's not what you think.
She/he is just a friend.
OW/OM? I would never! I'm not even the least bit attracted to him/her!
We were just joking. That's just how we talk but it doesn't mean we would ever do anything.
There were never any real intentions to do anything.
You're just being paranoid.
You're being controlling.
I can't have friends?

Chapter about projected jealousy.

Chapter about blameshifting, minimization, and justifications.
Phrases like:
I just liked the attention.
I didn't think I was doing anything wrong.
You weren't giving me enough attention.
I told you I wanted you to do xyz, but you didn't listen.
It was only an EA.
It was only a kiss.
It was only sex.
It didn't mean anything.
I always loved you and really only wanted you.

Then a chapter about TT.

I love all the suggestions. I would definitely read a book like this!


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chapter about gaslighting. Include the phrases:

I wish you wouldn't make such a big deal out of this.

Let's just call it "talking".


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1075 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Let's just call it talking."

Yes! I heard that except WH and OW referred to cybersex as "smack talking". I'm not sure either are actually aware of what smack talking actually is. I'm pretty sure you don't use telling someone you will go slow and easy so they get theirs first as an insult. But whatever!


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
silentscream13
♀ Member
Member # 41693
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let's just call it talking.

My WH said almost the same thing...except bhe and the OW called it "flirting."


ME: BS- 39; HIM: WS - 40 (lostmymind13)
OW: TechnicallyMarriedEx-GF - 47
Sexting,OEA/NO PA (but was planning it before he got caught)
D-day - 11-14-13
Together: Almost 18 years; Married: Almost 15 years
4 Children
Apologies: I edit. Often.

Posts: 213 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nowhere and Everywhere
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadly I still remember some of these:

You didn't want sex!(HE did not want sex with ME of course cuz he was using up all his sex with someone else unbeknownst to me)

You are the perfect wife. (that one always bugged me, he would always say it and say it with this look on his face like he hated me)

Yeah I got the ILYBNILWY one as well.

Also at first got the "we just kissed" scenario until it was "yes we had sex" a couple months later.

"I swear on my mothers grave" when asked if he was cheating on me. Seems like they like to use the very closest people they love when they lie.

"I don't know why I told the OW that I loved her....it just seemed like the right thing to do to get what I wanted. I never really loved her." Huh?!?

"The kids are not talking to me since I moved out and its because of you! You are turning them against me!" Yeah like it would not bother them that their father moved out of the house.

Told our oldest son he did not like having sex with his mother. That it was not good for him.

There are so many.


Posts: 5628 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
LadyLove
♀ Member
Member # 40664
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't leave you for her...

Oh, but you did leave me... Sexually, emotionally, mentally..


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 48 Ladyslove
Don't know if I can live with it.

Posts: 78 | Registered: Sep 2013
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Chater 20: Reasons not to tell the Other Spouse
4. AP already told them

5. It would break up a happy family

6. It is none of our business.

7. I don't want to get involved.


To add to the chapter called "I did not have sex with that woman";

She would just give me BJs because she liked me.

for the chapter on STDs;

I never thought about STDs. She was fine, she was MARRIED!


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 741 | Registered: Feb 2012
Topic Posts: 166
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