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Newest Member: tryingtolove (44683)

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User Topic: Who needed evidence first?
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I needed evidence, I was so deep in denial despite my gut KNOWING for YEARS something was wrong. I just couldn't wrap my head around him having an affair. Once I saw the texts, I needed proof of everything. He has lied and gaslit me for so long, I often feel brainwashed.

Now that we are back at square one with the latest Dday, I went back into that crazy making needing proof mode, BAD. I finally stopped. Addicts lie. Why do I feel like I need proof? Does it REALLY matter I know he didn't just "talk" to the two actual prostitutes? Does it REALLY matter how many massage parlors he went to? Nope. Does it even matter if he's sober now or not? Nope. If he is - I will see the difference soon enough. If he's not - he will continue to self destruct and you can't hide that.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After reflecting on this a little more, I think I really needed the evidence because without he would have not changed his behavior, and I would have walked, and I think it would have taken me a long time to be ok with that, because had I walked without proof I would have been the bad guy.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8145 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
TS68
♀ Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cannot drag my kids through hell with a divorce unless I know for sure. I have been looking for a witness. Reached out to his old employee who would definitely know. So far, silence.

Like other posters, I need to prove to myself I am not crazy. Still looking, but am afraid I might not ever get it.



Married 20 years

Posts: 166 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everybody. All of you cleared up some issues for me.
I didn't have all of the evidence, just accidentally found out with the phone texts and calls on the phone bill that definitely didn't match up to his phone when I checked it. To me, THAT was proof enough. A friend of mine told me that wasn't proof. She tried to convince me I was crazy and couldn't throw away all those years of M w/o definitive proof. I'm glad I didn't listen to her. To me, there was no possible other explanation, even if I didn't want to believe it.
Later, I dug for more when he wouldn't tell me anything and wanted R. I needed THEN to know what I was forgiving.
I won't say happily on my way to D, but I'm confidently on my way to D.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2213 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't need evidence, I just stumbled upon it and even with it WH lied and denied. His favorite line is "it's not like that" but he can never explain exactly how it is. It was obviously inappropriate but because he had feelings or never slept with them it was all "harmless" and was absolutely "nothing". Ironic, however, that he often accused me of doing the same things and made it seem his ex-wife had committed the ultimate act of betrayal when she did the very thing he had been doing for over a year.

I used to doubt myself and at times I still do until I decided I didn't care how he viewed everything. What I know is he lied, hid things, and acted inappropriately. I don't need to know anymore to know I will never put up with even questionable behavior again.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't need evidence, I just stumbled upon it and even with it WH lied and denied. His favorite line is "it's not like that" but he can never explain exactly how it is. It was obviously inappropriate but because he had no feelings or never slept with them it was all "harmless" and was absolutely "nothing". Ironic, however, that he often accused me of doing the same things and made it seem his ex-wife had committed the ultimate act of betrayal when she did the very thing he had been doing for over a year.

I used to doubt myself and at times I still do until I decided I didn't care how he viewed everything. What I know is he lied, hid things, and acted inappropriately. I don't need to know anymore to know I will never put up with even questionable behavior again.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He denied with the "just friends" until I saw text messages. I didn't tell him that...I just point blank asked him if he liked her? He couldn't deny that and look me in the eye.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
LifeIsTooWeird
♀ Member
Member # 42093
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One lesson I learned from all of this, your first evidence will always be your gut. The trick is after discovery pushing out all the paranoia and getting back in touch with your gut, so that if it happens again, you will be able to trust your gut. I'm still working on that part.

[This message edited by LifeIsTooWeird at 12:46 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]


Me - GF (38)
Him - BF (33)
DDay - 08/13
Together 8 Years
In R

Posts: 133 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 28
Pages: 1 · 2

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