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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Could you spare some encouragement?
Crushed15Feb13
♂ Member
Member # 38846
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My "antiversary" (hate that term) is 3 days away and I'm having a hard time. I think I'm starting to feel the weight of the 5yr LTA my wife had. I've been alternating between trying to maintain a loving and compassionate attitude toward her with trying to be analytical and understand the reasons she did what she did. But this latest revelation that it was a full year longer than she'd lead me to believe and started as a drunken encounter rather than a slippery slope friendship - it has me viewing her differently. She kept that to herself for a year, so now I also realize she was dishonest about being fully "in" the R.

Sometimes it just gets hard to keep enough air in your lungs, you know?

How on earth can there be people capable of such long-term lying and deceit toward their loved ones? I feel like I was climbing a mountain and have slipped back a long long way.

Whats the best way to find a good IC?


Me: BH, 54
Her: WW, 54 4 yr LTA
Married 31 yrs, 2 college age boys
DDay #1: 15Feb13 - LTA 2008-2013
DDay #2: 27Jan14 - ONS, same AP 2007 - turns out it was a 5 yr LTA
Trying to understand

Posts: 251 | Registered: Mar 2013
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Crushed. This is a really hard window you're in right now. Something that comes along with this season is exactly what you touched upon - feeling the weight of everything. As the panic and adrenaline subsides, a slower simmering anger kinda takes its place - and numbness for a while is not far behind.

I feel like I was climbing a mountain and have slipped back a long long way.

This is a really common part of the process. It doesn't make your feelings any less important - I just want you to know that you are going to be ok.


Sometimes it just gets hard to keep enough air in your lungs, you know?

Totally. So for now, just hold yourself to working on breathing. You don't have to feel a certain way or be coping perfectly. As old emotions fade, new and different ones are going to crop up.

As for finding an IC, I got a list from my insurance carrier first. Then I checked out a couple review websites to see if anyone had anything to say about some of them. It's kindof a crapshoot until you get in there and speak to someone, but I highly recommend trying.

Take care of yourself, and don't beat yourself up for feeling like you're backsliding a bit. It's all a part of this process.

(((Crushed15Feb13)))


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17846 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Truly
♀ Member
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there Crushed,

You really sound like a person in need of a hug right now, so here are some winging there way to you via satellite (((((hugs))))) (so cool that we can do that!)

I am so sorry, further evidence and knowledge is forever changing your view of your spouse. She is not the person you thought she was, I understand that blow.

TT can send you back to the awful feelings you had on DDay, re-visiting that terrible pain that is now compounded by more lies.

I have no idea why people choose to do these things to those they profess to love, it makes no sense to me, never has. And broken, well, that just doesn't really cover it does it?

Please keep breathing, deeply and slowly allow your heart to stop racing and your stomach to settle and then just choose one action, just one, that you can do right now.

Not sure about the IC, I went to a local family centre...they had a plethora to choose from

Kia kaha


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
mezmer
♀ Member
Member # 42406
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's terrible that you've had new revelations. I don't have the experience of dealing with a LTA, but I imagine it's a special sort of hell to try to go back in one's memory and endlessly reexamine years of one's life in light of what you now know was a web of lies and deceit. It's clear that she hasn't really been open with you. The timeline she gave was false and the circumstances that started it were as well. You must be asking yourself what more you have in store to find out. I know I would. The best thing you can do is figure out what is going to be best for *you.* Love and compassion for yourself right now seems to be the most important thing you can give.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Washington
anv5
♀ Member
Member # 39217
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had super awesome words to share

I am going through a simalar issue myself & all I have is...do your best to take care of yourself (again) ((crushed15feb13))


BS(me)30
WH 29
1 Child
Married 11 yrs
D-Day: 4/9/13 he cheated in '08 & now + trickle truth & tons of lies 6/27 Found more, swears I really do have the whole truth now.
2/2/14 found out more...it seems the TT never ends.
Trying to R

Posts: 71 | Registered: May 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To find a C, go to http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/professional.directory.asp.

Often it's an ad on SI pages that I see, so you're able to follow the link if you see it.

Psychology Today also has a directory.

Yeah, I used to hate some SI terminology, too ... you'll find it useful next year. After all, no matter what you do, you still have your D-Days (and the new revelation was significant enough to count as another D-Day, IMO).

Breathe, drink water, and keep reminding yourself that you will survive this. Have faith in yourself, Crushed.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10374 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Kyrie
♀ Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Crushed))) Man, I'm feeling for you right now. I know the feeling you described quite well. IC has been such a help to me - it's given me tools and seems to carry me through the rough times.

But I just want to caution you that not all ICs are alike and you may have to check out a couple before you find the right one for you. I saw three before I finally found the best for me. I'm so glad I didn't give up the search.

Sending good thoughts your way -


Me: BW (47), WH (48)
Married 24 yrs, 2 teenagers
DD#1 01.20.12 When diagnosed w/STD
Told it was 15 mo. PA that ended 6 years ago
DD#2 04.06.14 Truth: PA was 2yrs/8mo
Separated for 6 weeks
Reconciling and healing now

Posts: 201 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((Crushed))))))))))

That is the biggest virtual hug I have ever offered another man ever!

I totally feel your entire post. 12-14 month sucked eggs.

I did what you are doing.

So much to feel....so much that will never be reasoned or logically put in its place regarding our wives affairs.

Just a month ago I became fully aware of the poetry my wifes fAP was using to get in her pants....within the first 20 hours of their relationship he was writing poems to her. When I found this out a month ago it altered reality once again....and that really sucks.

This time my wife assumed I knew about the poetry....as I found a shredded up document in her closet. I thought it was a torn up email....I pieced it together.

God, that was an awful moment....my girls peacefully watching Strawberry Shortcake in the living room....me spreading out the bits of paper...piecing together what I could. I gave up after piecing the "I love you so much" sentence.....I called my wife as she was going to her part time job. Asked her "Did you ever tell him you love him" "NO ABSOLUTELY NOT!" My heart broke again........

Me not knowing about the poetry until a month ago is a result of months of trickle truthing and my wifes desire to decide what I can and cant handle, what I should and should not know.

I have pleaded on this site to all WS's that if they only choose to do ONE THING.....tell the whole dang truth!!!!!

It appears to be next to impossible for most WS's to do this early on......and it results in further pain.....just like what I experienced a month ago, and what you are experiencing now.

You have the added stress of being just 3 days out from your antiversary.....and I am so sorry to read this post.

A virtual hug does little to comfort you I know. I pray my sharing the above struggle I have will help make you feel at least a bit more normal.

I will also say a specific prayer for you and Mrs. Crush now.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3989 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j.....sisoon...how confident are you in the professionals referred to by that link?

We need more help...but am a bit unsettled with our first 12 months with a MC.

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3989 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs))) Keep walking, just keep walking. Even when you slide, keep walking.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4935 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, February 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crushed...you seem to be at that point where the shock has worn off and the reality is setting in and your logical, analytical, linear-thinking self just can't make sense out of all this...BTDT.

Just wondering...is there someone...a friend that you talk this out with? Did you have an IC but need a different one? I see from your other posts that your wife has an IC and that you see MC.

Do you know someone who has used a counselor for similar issue? Maybe they could recommend someone. A friend of mine recommended a counselor that had helped her many times over the years when she went through difficult times...I saw her and she was exactly the counselor I needed ...my voice of reason. It WAS still somewhat of a crap shoot though...the first one I saw did not work out for me...he was too direct...too "let's face reality" for me early on...would have been great at the one year point, but not in the beginning months.

You need to view the IC as someone to help you navigate though YOUR feelings, to make you stronger and help you come to terms with the changed person you have become, not to directly help you in the R of your M.

You need that support from a real life person.


Posts: 601 | Registered: Nov 2010
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've never checked anyone out from that link, but I know a number of good people advertise on find-a-therapist sites. It's just a place to start, and it may help SI to start there.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10374 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How on earth can there be people capable of such long-term lying and deceit toward their loved ones?

If I knew that I would need to come to SI as often. Hang in there man. New Dday to add to your list.

So sorry. virtual hugs.

The way I found my IC was through my GP or primary care physician. They refer people to ICs more often than you think and usually are a good measure of which ones are good and which ones are to be avoided. It doesn't hurt to have a convo about meds if you haven't already done that.

You need to take some time for yourself right now, away from your biggest trigger to objectively think through if R is really something you want to still pursue or not. You have to look at the forest, not the tress.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2559 | Registered: May 2010
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

going through your GP IS probably the best idea...I lucked up with a good IC and she brought up the meds on my second visit...I was really in bad shape. At first I was very resistant, but I was progressively losing control of all areas of my life...professional, relationships with others, physically, etc. My favorite PA was a great help...she understood...she talked to me about choices of meds and helped me feel confident in my choice. You are right n & d, they deal with patients going through trauma like this all the time, so you should not be embarrassed or hesitant to explain why you need help and how you are feeling and the effects. As my IC pointed out to me many times ...this is a real trauma and not personal weakness.

Posts: 601 | Registered: Nov 2010
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A solo trip to the Great Smoky Mountains was HUGELY theraputic to me....total cost was about $200....price of 2 hours of MC.....totally recommend this, or something like it.

Nature is awesome....and solo time in nature often comforts the soul.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3989 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 15

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