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Newest Member: qualla (44580)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Well...she called. Advice please.
LivinginLimbo
♀ Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To answer your question, if you block a number it does not show up if they try calling. In our case, it prompted the MOW to get another cell phone to text from. That's when we went to an attorney and had a letter prepared warning her that the next contact will make her subject to arrest. That finally did the trick.

It stinks when they're so persistent. Since this is the Reconciliation forum, I'll refrain from what I'd like to say about these kind of AP's.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1014 | Registered: Mar 2012
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just change his number. Blocking her just means she can't call from ONE number.

My husband changed his number the very next day after Dday1.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
lost_in_toronto
♀ Member
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with other posters who think the best way to handle this is to ignore her.

It is certainly NOT a coincidence that Vday is on Friday. OW in our case usually contacts at the time of year the affair happened, Valentine's Day, or Christmas/New Years. I expect the contact and as upsetting as it is, I just keep on ignoring.

The last time she contacted your WH she got a response and she's looking for that again. Whatever form that contact takes will feed her ego.

I find it really hard sometimes that I've never said a word to the OW, told her off or what I think. I am a writer by profession, and I know that I could put forward my thoughts and feelings with precision. However, I know that in this case the OW is not remorseful at all and believes that I have manipulated my WS into staying with me. I know whatever I write to her will be twisted around to strengthen her resolve and belief in their love. So....NC.

For many of us here, BS and remorseful WS, NC is a healthy way of turning away from the past and towards a healthier future. I think for some OW and OM, who are not remorseful and are not trying to break the cycle of the A, that NC drives them nuts and is more powerful than any words can be.


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1652 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LOL, thanks Gipper for the offer. Man would I love to hear that call!

Sister, there are a few people who would pay for your letter - better stamp it as a Milkshake Original!

For Sins....

I think it's more to do with her anger than any real hope that your husband wants her back. Her motives could be: 1)It forces him to have to contact her back again. 2) He ignores her but has to tell you about it, thus spoiling any hope of a romantic Valentines for you both. 3) He hides the call from you but has to spend his Valentines day worried in case you find out about it or she contacts again. 4) She elicits another response from you both.

And although they never spent the 14th together nor did he get her cards/gifts, I too believe the timing is not an accident. It is most definitely #2 on your list. He told her face-to-face last Jan., that he will be telling me about any contact - work/personal/anything. The timing of her call at the conference was to F-up our last day together. It didn't work! And many things she wrote to him work-related had a personal touch - knowing I would read that.

For lost_in_toronto....

I find it really hard sometimes that I've never said a word to the OW, told her off or what I think. I am a writer by profession, and I know that I could put forward my thoughts and feelings with precision. However, I know that in this case the OW is not remorseful at all and believes that I have manipulated my WS into staying with me

Thank you so much for this. I find it very difficult that I am the one who is always reaching deep for my inner strength. That she can't find decency at this point. Clearly not a lot of introspection done.

I too am a writer - no longer by profession - but hey...a writer,writes! The best story I can give you is that I submitted my D-Day story to a national mom's web site. I signed my real name to it. The site was supposed to get in touch with me if they posted it. They didn't but the story was there! She googled me after the face-to-face with my H (I guess I became "real" at this point to her) and found the story and sent it to my H. Ha! She read my painful words and probably a few times. She got there all on her own. I didn't have to lift a finger.

Thank you all very much for your comforting words, suggestions, clarifications and (( ))'s.
LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2216 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I am a big believer in telling off the AP, once, I see this as a different sitch. The best information on NC comes from Gavin deBecker's "The Gift of Fear." I encourage everyone, especially women, to read it.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6347 | Registered: Jan 2011
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I will take a look Rebreather. This is why I am confused. Some couples are encouraged to write the letter that was never written. Others are told to ignore the AP. How do I know how my H delivered that phone call? The MC accused him of being "vague".

I am well past the fed up mark for this sitch and feel I have handled myself with dignity - always trying to focus on the big pic. Like you said to me once, "sometimes strong people take on a lot more and more is expected from them" (or something like that). But how much more do I have in me?

For now, I will sit tight, read what you suggest and talk to my H.

[This message edited by LA44 at 10:41 AM, February 13th (Thursday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2216 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
lost_in_toronto
♀ Member
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The last contact we had was the OW sending me a friend request on FB. Yes, me. The mind boggles.

I ignored, but decided if she beaks NC again all bets were off. I haven't had to worry since we haven't heard from her. I don't know what I will do the next time, if I will keep NC or not.

I understand everything you are saying, LA. It is tough. But you know, I have never regretted NC, and I know if I do write her I could regret it. The words, once sent, become hers. She can use them how she wants. So...that's what helps me maintain NC.

I love that she read your story online. At least you've got that!

And FWIW, I think sending a NC letter would be more important if you weren't solidly in R with a remorseful spouse. At this point, the focus should be on you and your relationship and breaking NC from your side obscures that focus. JMO.


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1652 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And FWIW, I think sending a NC letter would be more important if you weren't solidly in R with a remorseful spouse. At this point, the focus should be on you and your relationship and breaking NC from your side obscures that focus. JMO.

Ok, gotcha lostinTO. Thanks again.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2216 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you do decide to send a letter. Do it a few weeks after Valentine's day. This way, she will not associate her call with it.

Just state that it is advised by your marriage counselor, since you want to be a bunny boiler. lol

no really...might want to leave bunny boiler out.

Change his number and block her number from the new number.

In addition if you have FB...you should take a photo of the two of you together for Valentine's Day. Maybe kissing? and use it as a profile pic for both of you. She probably stalks you. That should get her goat.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 931 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Topic Posts: 29
Pages: 1 · 2

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