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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: No sex for you
♂ Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, double post.

[This message edited by 1bigidiot79 at 9:30 AM, February 14th (Friday)]

DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 173 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
♂ New Member
Member # 42106
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you ever read No More Mr. Nice Guy? It may be helpful. The book talks about many dysfunctional behaviours including porn use, as well as, the types of partners "nice guys" tend to pick. You may find it enlightening.

I'd suggest that any discussion around what she should do is not going to productive for you. You can't really control her, at best you have influence. I understand she is deeply hurt because you lied to her and broke an agreement and it's triggered some strong feelings in her. I do maintain that 8 months of completely withdrawing from you is a very strong reaction and there is something else going on.

Me: BH
Reconciled in Mar 2010
4 kids
DDay #1: Sept 6, 2007
So many DDays and false R's.
2 affairs, 2 lengthy separations

Posts: 18 | Registered: Jan 2014
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The discoveries of Porn did not result in HB.

I was completely repulsed. NO punishment involved. I was so utterly disgusted by his ability to get off to pixels and imagery, when I was a willing partner that the thought of touching him was repulsive. The thought of his hands on me, reduced me to a tool. This was about me preserving my own sense of self. Not at all about punishment.

I knew for a fact he could not verify the source of the images he was using. I knew that they could be from girls or women who had been forced into the industry.
I knew that he didn't give a shit where they came from and that he was willing to ignore the source for a few seconds of physical gratification. NOT a turn on in any sense.

As long as I suspect his mind of having interest in that, I have no attraction to him sexually. My lack of attraction is a direct result of my feelings about porn. I can not feel secure and safe with a man who acts in direct conflict with my value system. I can't be intimate with someone who actively engages in the viewing of pornography.

Wow...this nutshells what I have been trying to put into words for a long time. I will admit though that our sex life wasn't great to begin with but the porn made me feel like I would just be a "real" place to put it.

Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
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Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your BS sounds a lot like how I think regarding sex and intimacy.

porn made me feel like I would just be a "real" place to put it.
That is exactly how I felt with my partner who was into porn. Looking back, I feel used and disgusted. He wasn't into sex with me, he didn't even look at me. He got his images in his head and came to me to masturbate himself.

You need to work on the intimacy and the closeness and the trust/safe feelings before she is going to be ready to open up and be vulnerable.

I don't know how much self-work you have done, or how the communication is for you two, but have you talked to her in depth about how you understand how she feels? Have you been able to mirror back that you truly understand how betrayed and how "used" she felt? Do you truly feel that? Because if you don't, they will be empty words until you do truly get it. Have you minimized the fact that it was "just porn"? Have you told her things like "at least it wasn't physical!" Because if you are telling her those things, you aren't getting how she feels and that is extremely important.

Have you been sharing the self work you are doing with your BS? Have you told her your revelations, your "aha" moments, the reasons you escape to porn instead of the real intimacy with her?

Does she know for a fact that you are not doing porn anymore? Does she know that you are willing to wait for her and that you are working on rewiring your brain to desire real women instead of the airbrushed fantasy that can't say no?

Does she have all your passwords? Do you stay away from things that will trigger her, such as the internet?

She is most probably feeling used, disgusted, humiliated (for thinking you were actually attracted to her--even if you are, she isn't going to believe you), distrustful, traumatized etc....

You do need to have a heart to heart with her and ask her if she wants to work on the relationship with you. At 8 months, she has had enough time to start to decide which way she wants to go, even if she doesn't stick with it. You need to reassure her that even if she doesn't stick with you, you are going to continue your self-work but you are willing to do whatever she needs to feel safe.

Lastly (I know this is long!) I recommend the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. My WS and I read a little bit from it most days and we have had so many "aha" moments and we both understand much better how the other person is thinking and feeling because of the open discussions the book helps us with.

Plus, would she get on SI to help her with her feelings of betrayal? She would be in good company!

Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15300 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
♂ Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Native, I only have a second so I can't give a proper response to your reply but I just wanted to say thank you for such a thoughtful and sincere post. It will most definitely be taken seriously and used to help both myself and my BW. I struggle with communication sometimes but I know you are right and expressing these things to her is exactly what I need to try and do. Thanks for helping me to see that.

DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 173 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
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