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Newest Member: FeebleHercules (44938)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Initiating sex
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhaps the "yet again" refers to the hurt and rejection you feel when he declines sex? or doesnt initiate sex?

If yes, you have at least identified an area of focus. yes, there are lots of areas of focus in a M....but this seems to be the dominant one for you guys now.

You are obviously open and somewhat willing to trying to work on this. I hope he is too.

Luckily, sexual intimacy is a problem for lots of marriages...not just those with adultery as part of them.

I say "luckily" because this makes it an area of focus for researchers and therapists......lots of therapist schooled in this, lots of books and internet resources.

Best wishes....praying for you both.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the book HopeImOverIt is referring to is After the Affair. I remember the part about taking turns initiating and putting a time limit on it. I might read that part again. For us I think we're both too "comfortable" avoiding being intimate, but then I remember that he thought about having sex with OW constantly and it pisses me off.

I truly hope he comes through for you with this and figures out why it's so hard for him.

Blakesteele-we tried the making it new thing but it felt too much like "affair sex" to us too. It sucks because I was enjoying it when it didn't trigger the heck out if me!! It does make me think if WH had suggested those things before instead of thinking I'd have no interest, this might've gone very differently.

Edited for spelling

[This message edited by AML04 at 7:31 PM, February 14th (Friday)]


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 862 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
WIgirl
♀ New Member
Member # 40533
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to chime in and say your story is so much like mine. I delicately brought this up a few times before the affair...that I wished H would initiate more. His response was that, he was always willing to have sex so he'd do it whenever I wanted. My response then was that, *I* just wanted to feel wanted. I wanted to be desired. I wanted to be chased. And yeah, I struggle with this now even more. It's hard. All of it is hard.

Thank you blakesteele for your insight, it was very helpful for me.


Me: 38 yo BW
Him: 40 yo WH
2 daughters (8, 5); married 15 yrs
DD: 6/2/13 (5 mo EA/PA with coworker)
Separated/Divorcing

Posts: 49 | Registered: Sep 2013
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife rarely initiates sex and it used to bother me. I just learned to enjoy being "the initiator". It really does not need to be any more complicated than that.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5650 | Registered: Aug 2007
SoVeryTired5
♀ Member
Member # 40931
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blakesteele- Thank you for the insight your posts provided. I do have a lot of trouble staying with the pain of old hurts so that my emotions don't drop into anger. I'm working on it, but I am not even close to getting there yet.

WIgirl- it definitely is about feeling wanted and desired, too.

HardenMyHeart- While it may be so cut and dry for your relationship to "just learn to enjoy being the initiator," it is not true for a lot of us. I am not about to settle for always being the person who initiates sex in my relationship. I want more than that.


Me: BS
Him: WH (iAmAMess0809)
Together: 7 years, married 5
Two children: 4yo, 1yo
DDay 4/30/13 EA, TT
Full disclosure of EA/PA 10/11/13

Posts: 65 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Midwest
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it is not true for a lot of us. I am not about to settle for always being the person who initiates sex in my relationship. I want more than that.

I understand that. However, sometimes you need to ask yourself which is more important...to have a happy marriage or to get what you want.

Sometimes it's simpler to change your attitude about things, rather than forcing your desires onto someone else.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5650 | Registered: Aug 2007
SoVeryTired5
♀ Member
Member # 40931
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, February 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And what I am saying is that this issue has always been an issue in our relationship. I have tried to work on myself to become a better person and partner for him. For me to have a happy marriage, I need this. That's wonderful for you that you can decide to enjoy being the initiator. It's not me.


Me: BS
Him: WH (iAmAMess0809)
Together: 7 years, married 5
Two children: 4yo, 1yo
DDay 4/30/13 EA, TT
Full disclosure of EA/PA 10/11/13

Posts: 65 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Midwest
seriouslylostit
♀ Member
Member # 23987
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not generally on R but I saw this and will share something that did work for me though you may not want to go there ... I gave him some chase ... I flirted with other men in his presence occasionally ... Worked like a charm.

Posts: 843 | Registered: May 2009
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H and I haven't had sex since...November? Maybe beginning of December? I lost track. The time before that- August.

He has a million different excuses. He didn't take a shower this morning. He drank too much. He's too tired. His stomach hurts. He has to get up early for work in the morning. We are on "different schedules" (meaning I like to go to bed, he wants to stay up late and play video games).

What's worse, every time we fight (like once a week), he will bring up sex. "I was horny, and you started a fight a ruined it!" Like it's my fault.

I used to try. I used to initiate, and he would shoo me off, give me an excuse, and then go back to whatever he was doing. So...I stopped trying. And now we are 27 and not having sex.

I wish I had something more helpful to say other than you are not alone, and if you find a solution, please let me know.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 29
Pages: 1 · 2

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