Anyway, here's whats messing with me. I am not about to say I'm over the pain or anything like that. It is still very much there. That said, aside from a few brief breakdowns, it hasn't been that unbearable. I'm starting to eat again. I'm starting to exercise again. My sense of humor is coming back. I am starting to look forward to things again. I'd imagine its all still shock in some ways. I'd imagine its also that I've been taking this situation head-on as opposed to trying to avoid it. By that, I mean constantly posting here, talking to friends and family, journaling in general, that sort of thing.
My whole life came unraveled on 1/20/2014. 23 days, that's it, and I feel like I'm gaining some control back. I know I have some work to do. For example, I went and played pool after work with a co-worker yesterday and we had a few beers in the process. I've known this guy a long time, he's met my wife, etc. so he knows whats been going on enough to talk about things with him. He asked me what my hobbies are, and I didn't really have anything. WW and I did damn near everything together. It was both sad and inspiring. It's my life to do what I want, but I don't know what to do. Nothing jumps out at me like "this - I must do this new thing!" I am hopeful it will come, and a little worried it won't.
The STBXW and I used to love going to pool halls together. We'd been in the exact same one I was in yesterday many times. That was a bit hard, but I kept it together and generally had a good time. I am sorry if this seems just like a random thoughts post, but I am getting to a point here, I promise.
What is going on with me? Why am I not the complete and total wreck I was just a week ago? Is something wrong with me? I see posts here all the time talking about 6 months, a year, etc., before people felt remotely like themselves again. I don't think I'm just stronger than everyone by any means. I don't doubt for a moment that I loved, and still do love, my STBXW very, very deeply and miss her terribly. I still have the picture shows of much happier times running in my head. I still have times where I get very angry, or break down from sadness. It's just like I'm getting used to it, and it seems to be too fast. Anyone here know what I'm talking about? Should I feel guilty or what?
“Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.”
― Robert Brault
I think you were far more miserable, repressed and shut down than you realized. Now that the marriage is ending your mind & soul are realizing that you have another chance at life.
The days after she left and then a few weeks later, the days after she told me she wanted to D were literally soul-crushing days. I spent them quite drunk and barely moved for anything at all. It was complete devastation, but I guess when you hit rock-bottom, all you can do is look up.
Accepting this is her choice is not the same as understanding it. Don't go down that rabbit hole. There is no good answer, not one that will help when the decision is to end it.
I think I go back-and-forth between acceptance and needing to know why. Like you said, its her decision and there's nothing I can or should do to try and change it. I do wish I understood, but at the same time, I don't know what it would make any difference to have all the answers. Knowing our story, I do have my theories, but unless she's willing to face those demons, she will never be the woman I loved. So, ultimately, I didn't lose her on 1/20/2014. I lost the impostor who took her place.
They say the WS has the advantage in almost every way. He or she knows whats they were doing before the betrayed does. They are already prepping for the end, or maybe have fully prepped before the betrayed knows anything about the bombshell headed their way. In some regards however, a small part of me know something was coming. A small part of me knew our time was limited. So, maybe in some small way, kind of like you said, its a relief that its happened.
You have a clear path now and having that distraction of figuring out how to shape your new life is not something to feel guilty about.
[This message edited by SoulHurts at 3:11 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]
Anyway, it sounds like you are moving forward. Just keep in mind that you may have times that you regress (I'm not looking forward to those myself!) and you'll be ok .. really, you will be ok!
1) when he started his affairs 9 month prior, he started being an ass. A complete ass. And things were strained even before then, not because of us, but because of him shutting down his consulting business. I remember xmas of 2009 (about 1.5 months before dday), crying in the basement by myself, wrapping presents thinking how can I last until my kids are in college. Seriously, if you had asked me the day before dday if I loved him, I would have said I don't know.
2) after dday, he was out of the house in 2 weeks. False R only lasted 2 days. And then 2 weeks later he left on a business trip and never slept at the house again.
3) NC. After the second month, I only had 1 brief conversation in the past 4 years with him. That is it. And 99% of our communication about the kids is done via email.
4) IC, I had therapy off and on for the first 3 years. Grounds me.
Recovering quickly is quite a blessing. I too, am recovering a lot faster than I thought possible. In my case, finding out the truth sped up the process.
I am ready to move on with my life. Sounds like you are, too.
It's a great feeling, compared to such a short time ago!