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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Thinking of the AP
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we all would. I'm not sure it works like that. IMO you, for yourself need to figure out what label and box you put her in. What is the story of the two of you? Write that story once and for all and move on. We all will have our own versions and they should be consistent with our values. I'm good with mine.
I think what wert is saying here is not to be underestimated in it's importance. Part of the mind-fuckery of an affair is that it throws our life story narrative for a loop...and we as people do not like that.

We like to be able to say to ourselves, "This is the story of my life", and be reasonably confident that it's the truth (or at least our truth). I think at some point the AP just needs to be another character that has passed in and out of your life and affected it, with the same importance as the other people that have done that.

I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2169 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a long way down the road from Dday.

I used to thing about OM all the time. I was always looking for him in the crowd. I was always on edge just waiting for him to show up. I would think about what I would do if he did.

But my WW never talked much about details no matter how much I asked. Hers was a LTA. She would conveniently forget. And would say how could she remember all the places her and OM went over the many years there were together? So everywhere we went I wondered if she had been there with OM. I has so much uncertainty and I questioned everything. It was on my mind ALL the time.

Then we moved.

We are in a completely different city. 2000 miles from where the LTA happened. OM is 2000 miles away.

Now I dont think about places we go together because I know they never went there. I feel more comfortable now. The only time I really strongly trigger now is when she travels out there by herself to visit our grand kids.

I still think about her LTA. I think about it every day. Many times a day. Its there always spinning away in the back of my mind. Its easier to let go of though.

I know its not possible for everyone to move to a new city. But doing that really helped me.

Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you bionic. I feel for you that she was your "friend". Unlike you, this was not my friend. AndbBecause she called two days ago (and look at the timing), she was running through my brain NON.STOP. last night. I have the flu too so been spending a lot of time laying around in bed.

I pulled the covers back this morning and said, "enough of this shit!"

I was doing so well....but the call threw me and you cannot imagine how ticked I am with myself for letting thoughts take over.

But I think we get to a point of exhausting ourselves. We know we can do better then think about this person. Today I will just tell myself, "Do better. Do better. Do better." as I am coughing up a lung and blowing my nose!

Hugs to you.

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2453 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today I feel a bit of a sting because it's V day and he's in their town working and I'm in our town working... ugh.

Sure, we have a nice evening planned. But still...

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”

Posts: 5274 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing I learned is that it wasnt the physical part that he was attracted to. It was her mental state. Emotionally healthy people dont do what the APs and WS have done. Give me that over looks, money, or anything else.

I work in behavioral health. I see people who actually REALLY ARE MENTALLY unstable. I mean really. The worst of the worst. So its really sad for those who have a more self control in the matter and choose not to use it.

I take care in knowing that I know better and thus do better and that will ALWAYS BE BETTER.

"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did not have a double betrayal-----OW & I have never officially met (altho she has met our daughter), altho I have seen her from a distance while spying.

I too struggle with how much mental space OW takes up------we are 2 3/4 years out & I still think of her every day with hatred.

I know that one reason I have not been able to move on quicker is because she still works in the same building with WH. Every morning when he leaves for work I wonder if he will run into her today. I want to trust him, but if I don't know what he is doing during his lunch hour, or if he is a little late coming home, I get suspicious.

I have often thought how much different it would be if she was far away, out of our daily lives.

The only idea that seems to help a little is :

"NC means NC, by both WS and BS. " Thinking about her is, in a way, a sort of contact.

I do have to admit, tho, that she has become less & less important.
I felt tremendous pressure to take WH back to keep the family together for the kids, & so I am sure I transferred some of my anger from him to her, since I was trying to R with him.
More and more, as time passes, I see that she is not important. What is important is what is going on/has gone on between WH & I.

together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm over thinking about her. I don't want to think about her. I mean, I know nobody wants to think about that crap. But I really just have no desire to go there. She's useless in my world.

But, she creeps in on occasion. Yesterday being one because it was her bday. I stalked her for about 4 seconds before I was like, "wtf? she is so irrelevant to me now." If I am going to dick off at work, I'd rather shop for shoes or pin ideas for my fantasy cabin.

Bionic, I have no doubt you will get there. But in all things recovery, you have to....drumroll....give yourself some slack and some time. I think there is a reason to think about her and watch for her now. Your wounds are still fresh. I have no doubt though that it will continue to lessen and in a year or so you will become invisible to you.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 27
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