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User Topic: Did you ever suspect...they could be capable of cheating??
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never thought he would do something like that. My dad and his dad both had affairs, and he saw what it did to our mothers.

I did know that he could never be alone, and would remarry within a year if I died before him. Maybe that was my sign.

He always said that he would never have an affair- if he wasn't happy, he would leave before ever doing that to me.

Yeah, fuck him.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7761 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The day before dday1, I was shooting a wedding on a boat, and one of the employees got busted trying to cheat with a guest. I turned to my assistant and said, "I am so glas i will never have to deal with that." Literally, the day before.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
obliquestrat
♂ Member
Member # 42165
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could? Technically, yes. Would? Never in a million years.


ME: BS 36 - HER: WS 33
TOGETHER: 2001 - MARRIED: 2008 - KIDS: 2 (3 and 1)
D-DAY: 1/6/2014 (accidentally discovered 3M EA which had developed into sexting, makeouts, tickets for biz trip to Disneyworld)
R, IC, MC, NC (coworker)

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jan 2014
JstCantBelieveIt
♂ New Member
Member # 42214
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There were times over the last 10 years that I was tempted to cheat and came very close to a few ONSs. But I never did. I always thought of her as a morally better person than me. If I never did, there is absolutely no way she could, right?

I was apparently very wrong. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that it went on for almost 6 months. I think I could have understood a drunk ONS, but not this.


Me - BS 33
Her - WW 34
Kids - 14b, 9b, 8g, 6b
Married - 2003
Together - 1996
D-Day: 1/10/2014 (Admitted EA/PA 10/2012 - 3/2013)

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jan 2014
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I honestly thought that he could not ever cheat due to the fact that he would view that as a "black mark" on him. He would view himself as "less than". He was also body conscious and it took 2 years before he would exit the shower without a towel. Huh? What did I know?


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1777 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is how I came up with my user name. It was nowhere on my radar. Looking back there were LOTS of red flags but, I just never would let myself believe he had it in him to do what he did. I still feel the knife in my back.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 758 | Registered: Apr 2013
mezmer
♀ Member
Member # 42406
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. It's pretty out of character. Really. He doesn't flirt. He doesn't notice other women. He seriously does not notice. He works with lots of women and there's never been any indication he would do anything of the sort. We're so close as to be nearly inseparable. Totally out of left field.

BUT, big but, here, he has a medical situation which has required him to take huge doses of medication, with which the first listed possible side-effect is: "Behavioral changes." These are prefrontal cortex sorts of changes. Risk taking type of stuff. The neurologist used the example of suddenly taking up gambling. A couple of months before the EA part started he had the meds doubled.

He's flabbergasted by what he did. I know he is because this is one strange thing for him. I've been with him for 22 years and we spend so much time together it's weird. This was a complete behavioral flip. No, I never thought he would do such a horrible thing as what he did. And I haven't mentioned half of it here. He managed to go way beyond cheating. He basically made me homeless after 21 yrs of marriage. And it didn't occur to him that it was even bad for me.

Some people talk about how the thing that happened turned their spouse into someone they didn't know. Definitely happened here. He was also being pursued. According to the OW she's been on the make for 13 yrs. Somehow this last year was the first time he even noticed after all that time. Weird. He's still on the meds, as his condition is life-threatening. He's considering brain surgery to get off of them. We don't want any more of these "side effects."


Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Washington
Spelljean
♀ Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No...but maybe my guard should have been up. I knew he flirted inappropriately with women, was even worse after a few drinks, had low self esteem, and a constant need for respect and admiration....and I still didn't think he would stoop. Thing is, he was always about reputation. He would hate to be seen as "that guy". Yet he did it. Became the guy he always hated, made fun of and ridiculed..


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
HurtHarlequin
♀ New Member
Member # 42217
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would've said absolutely not. I can't tell you the level of shock I've been on since I discovered his affair.


D-Day: Jan 25th, 2014
Me: BW
He: WH

I cannot believe this shit is actually happening.


Posts: 20 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
Betrayed55
♀ Member
Member # 32289
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never. Never. Never. I was always the love of his life. Except for the brief time that I wasn't.

If my H was capable of this, then I believe anyone could be.

Yep blindsided


Posts: 145 | Registered: May 2011 | From: New York
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought I would have to deal with it eventually--we had an open relationship initially, and then I knew he flirted inappropriately. Yet I still thought we loved each other so much that he would never hurt me in the way he did--that he wanted to be with me and would fight for me, that I mattered more than his insecurity, jealousy, resentment. As it turns out I was very very naive and waaaay too trusting and foolhardy.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
lostinthesouth
♀ Member
Member # 41377
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@mj052
*raising hand* I would've bet that big money right there with you. Talk about shock and awe--I was completely blown out of the water.

Posts: 107 | Registered: Nov 2013
mezmer
♀ Member
Member # 42406
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine has never been the flirt. He's not outgoing. He actually got into it, partially, out of being naive. He was an idiot. He has a good job and she wanted the money. THat was about the whole score. He even gets it now.

[This message edited by mezmer at 10:11 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]


Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Washington
Lost15
♀ Member
Member # 40898
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was completely blindsided.Never,in a million years would I have thought my H would do such thing.

Exactly how I felt. I would have bet my own life on it. He was always telling me how lucky he was to have me and how much he loved me.


me(BS)-34 him(WS)-32 DS-15
Married 15 years
Blindsided with divorce 07-12-13
DD-08-1-13 OW-40ish,married 20 yrs, with 4 kids she abandoned
Divorcing and trying to move one tiny step forward at a time.

Posts: 114 | Registered: Oct 2013
kellys2014
♀ New Member
Member # 42306
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NEVER. I would have bet my life on it. I always felt so safe and secure and loved. The past two years have been rocky, but it still never occurred to me in the slightest. My Dad and Stepfather are both masculine, slightly macho guys who hate cheaters. My Stepfather was cheated on by his first wife. And my Dad is just the most honest, straight-shooting "Hank Hill" kind of guy. I don't have any experience with non-trustworthy men and never dreamt that my husband would be that guy.

And yes, I would say he also has "size" issues and a flabby gut, and since I'm being brutally honest, man boobs! None of these things bothered me (not that they were a huge turn on). STILL cannot believe a pretty, fit, big-boobed 22-year old wanted his sorry ass!

Also, I thought he had a low sex drive. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Turns out he was just getting his kicks elsewhere.


Me: 36
WH: 44
DS: 7
DD: 5

His AP: 24, former family friend and babysitter

Married 11 1/2 yrs

D-Day: 2/1/2014 3 month PA, 24 months sexting


Posts: 43 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Washington
momoffive
♀ Member
Member # 27352
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never thought SAWH would ever cheat on me once, let alone with 5 OW.

About a month before I accidentally discovered his first affair, I had found out he was talking online with a highschool classmate. He told me he would stop when I confronted.

I remember talking with my sister and she had asked me, "do you think SAWH would cheat on you?" I had replied, "he'd never do that."

I never knew he had already cheated with 2 OW and he was currently in an affair with another.

I'd say my blindness let me be blind-sided.


BW 44, SAWH 45(sorry1)
M24 yrs
DD 23,16,13 DS 21, 19
Dday1-7/3/09 EA OW4
Dday2-9/1/09 PA OW4
Dday3 3/14/10 Farmville sexting, OW3
Dday4 3/13/11 Secret texting, would be OW5-she said no
Dday5 8/2/11 PA 10 years ago OW1, kissing 4 years ago OW2

Posts: 1123 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Pennsylvania
Darcy3
♀ New Member
Member # 39696
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with SisterMilkshake....yes, but I didn't think he would....so I was still blindsided by all of it.

I thought we were happy right up until the day I found out about the affair, and he then informed me that he wasn't and hadn't been for, I don't know how many months exactly as that time frame changes every time he says it.

What I would have never thought him capable of....is the way he has treated me and our kids, and everything he has done and continues to do since DDay.

[This message edited by Darcy3 at 11:30 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]


Me = BS
Him = WS
3 teenagers
Married 24 years
D-Day: Nov. 10, 2012
Divorced

Posts: 45 | Registered: Jun 2013
UneasyFeelings
♂ Member
Member # 42292
Angry  Posted: 11:30 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope, not in a million years. It blows my mind. Thinking about it is starting to make me angry.

Posts: 104 | Registered: Jan 2014
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was so sure that he'd never cheat that I would have bet my life on it. My husband has body image issues. He's very shy and very private. He doesn't want friends and is very awkward in social situations because he struggles with small talk. He doesn't look at other women..doesn't flirt and is borderline rude when women try to flirt or even talk to him. He had strong boundaries with female employee's. I remember joking with my friend that I could leave him in a room full of naked, beautiful women and he still wouldn't do anything wrong. He has always felt like I was too good for him and that I would happier with a man that likes adrenaline sports like I do and has 6 pack abs etc. I work out so I'm in great shape. He doesn't and has let himself go. He's gained 60-70 lbs. I've never made him feel bad about his weight gain but I have tried to get him to work out and take better care of himself. When he started talking to the OW, he was at his heaviest he's ever been. I trusted him so much!! He worked nights and I never once checked up on him. I went to sleep every night confident that my husband was where he was supposed to be and would never put himself in a situation that involved another woman. I was so naive and dumb. Never again!!!

Posts: 709 | Registered: Jul 2013
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely blindsided. WW often spoke out against cheaters, never stopped saying she wanted a family with me and kept saying I was her best friend and that she was happy.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 91
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