Topic: Did you ever suspect...they could be capable of cheating??
|the past is gone|
Member # 28813
| Posted: 4:46 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014|
My WH would be the last one anyone would ever suspect to have an A. He comes across to everyone as an honest good boy. HA!
I suspected the A 6 months before D-Day but just couldn't believe he could do it. The wife is always the last to know.... could be that we embrace those M vows and we trust the person who is our best friend and confidant- that they wont cheat and lie and hurt us. Ha? Again.
I was totally sucker-punched- totally blindsided. And three weeks ago when I caught him again... a second A- I was sucker-punched again.
Secrets and lies. I never knew he could do it.... and he was oh so good at it.
M: 27 yrs
2 adult kids
d-day #1- 2/13/10 and d-day #2 1/12/14
both A's work related- (maybe he should quit his job!)
trying to R
Posts: 105 | Registered: Jun 2010
Member # 40392
| Posted: 4:53 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014|
The statistics in here are all in line. I would've bet all the money in the world that my sweet wife would be faithful to me until the day we died. She condemned cheaters, threatened me often about cheating, and even condemned a good friend of ours for cheating all while she was having an affair.
Fucked up people say and do the darndest things don't they! It's amazing to me that all these spouses profess their undying love and affection and are having a full on raunchy affair behind your back.
I makes me lose my faith in humanity.
Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”
Posts: 534 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Member # 41837
| Posted: 6:06 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014|
I was the love of his life..his soul mate. Best damn thing that ever happened to him.
I trusted him completely!! And apparently blindly!
I too was blindsided!! Yup, I too got me one of those pathological lyres and a sociopath that needs his ego stroked. Decided to take up with a 25 year slut (yeah she had daddy issues) when the cyber bullshit just wasn't cutting it anymore.
Guess who is blindsided now......HIM! Cause I won't give him another chance Gawd he had plenty of time to "step up".
Still am the best damn thing that ever happened to him.
Me- BS 44 Always faithfull
Him- WS 44
2 mo. EA/PA with 25 yr. old slut that stroked his ego, online profiles, CL ads
Married 8 years-No kids together
False R many different times fromJan/13 till Dec/13
Posts: 147 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Northern Indiana
Member # 38495
| Posted: 6:18 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014|
Fucked up people say and do the darndest things don't they!!!
Amen brother!! And my wh is probably one of the most fucked up!! Last January I planted a var in his car just to be certain that he wasn't playing me and I heard his one-sided conversation with another ow- It proved I'm the only one who's trying to r!!
"Hey stranger! How are you? It's uncanny how we do that! What? I sent you a text!! Since I lost my job last October she's (me-his wife) has been constantly hanging around me!! What's a good time for you?"
I distintictly heard ow (#who knows) say "I love you- take care!" And my wh said "you too!" Blah- it makes me sick!!
I never mentioned the recorder to him! I thought that if I did he'd start hiding money knowing I was done!!
However the next day I told him that I thought he was still lying to me about contact!! His reply "I swear to God I'm not in contact with anyone!" How very low they stoop. But- he did say that some woman who he used to work with four years ago- she cleaned his office called him on that day and he thought it was inappropriate and quickly got her off the phone. The poor knucklehead without realizing it he just gave up his ow from years past!!
Just this morning he gave me roses and the sweetest card and then got all teary with "I love you so much and I want us forever!" Yeah- whatever asshole!! To translate "I still want to be married while I continue not behaving like a normal married man should!" It's truly amazing how sick he is and how stupid he thinks I am!!
Anyways...you're right!! It's amazing how fucked up these people truly are!!
[This message edited by mj052 at 6:27 PM, February 14th (Friday)]
Trust is a fragile thing- once its lost it's gone forever!!
Posts: 248 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: mj052
Member # 40617
| Posted: 6:55 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014|
OMG just like everybody else here I was totally blindsided by my husband's betrayal. I would never have suspected in a million years that my h would have been clever enough to carry on and maintain another family for over a year without my knowledge!!! We were planning a family vacation when I discovered the deets about his double life, and apparently if I didn't find out when I did he would have just continued.
Even now six months out, I find myself wondering how were the children and myself so unaware of his duplicity
Posts: 95 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 39502
| Posted: 6:58 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014|
No, not me either.
We'd been through so much. He worked so hard all of the time and this was always reflected on his pay stubs so I never doubted he was anywhere but work.
I never suspected anything when he travelled on business.
And when he became a truck driver a few years ago (part of the midlife crisis), my girlfriends would ask me "Aren't you worried?" Me? No way.
I remember conversations we had about his boss being unfaithful to his wife. His boss had a mistress in the city where he worked and a wife back in another city. My H was disgusted. He also used to talk about a neighbour from when he was a kid - that guy also had mistresses all over the city. I remember conversations of him telling me how proud he was that we were still together after 24 years, 26 years, etc while a couple of his sisters' marriages failed. He seemed to view a long marriage as a prize, something to be treasured.
Finding out that he was screwing prostitutes was the biggest shock of my life. Finding out that they weren't on the road but in the next city over while he was at home and I was at work was the next biggest shock of my life.
It puts everything from before into question. Was it really just those last 18 months or had it been all along? I doubt I'll ever know for sure unless he tells me.
Me - 49 (BS)
Him - 51 (WH with "8 or 9" prostitutes)
Married 30 years, give or take a few weeks here and there
D-Day - May 4, 2013
Discovered an EA going on since 2010 around that time, too. NC in place now.
Posts: 88 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 38495
| Posted: 9:38 AM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014|
I truly believe that there's a special place in hell for all these fucked up people and their ap's for the pain and suffering they have caused the bs- and the children as well!!
Because it's only about them and their fun on the side!! Vengeance is mine...said the Lord but he has nothing on a betrayed spouse!!
Trust is a fragile thing- once its lost it's gone forever!!
Posts: 248 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: mj052
Member # 29907
| Posted: 1:49 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014|
My gut was telling me yes, my brain was telling me no.
She hated cheaters, condemned cheaters, would question why I had women friends or where I was with guy friends, and threatened me never to cheat. When I did finally ask her, she mocked me for suggesting something so ludicrous.
I can't say I was blindsided, it was more a matter of learning to trust my gut rather than my brain.
Me: BH (early 40s)
Her: WW (early 40s)
Married 15 years
1 daughter, under 10
DDay July 2007
Posts: 469 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: 3yrwait
Member # 38865
| Posted: 4:04 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014|
Capable, yes. I think a lot of people are. Based on what I know now I am surprised I wasn't the WW. Shitty sef esteem, looking for validation externally. ...yep that was me.
I didn't believe (or more likely want to believe) that he would cheat. Afterall he told me so very often that he would never do that (even whilst betraying me ). We even both promised to break up before putting the other through that pain. I know now the word of a cheater means less than nothing.
Now that I have time and distance I can see clearly that he is an empty void. He might think the latest vagina is the be all and end all. That will last until he thinks she has done something unforgivable. He won't tell her what but will systematically set out to destroy her as retribution. He is incapable of a healthy relationship, it is always the partners fault.
Me: Awesome - 35
"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou
"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –
Posts: 722 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Member # 41782
| Posted: 4:33 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014|
My wife told me before we got married, 'You will never have to worry about us. Our family will be rock solid.'
I was having dreams she was cheating on me and was told 'you need to stop dreaming about me cheating on you...it's upsetting.'
Yep, she cheated. With a married man who has slept with 8 women while married before he put designs on my wife...who was only too happy to accommodate.
Forgive the unforgivable, or bear the unbearable.
Me BS (34) WW (29)
Married 2 years
2y old Daughter
D-Day 05 Nov 13
Posts: 131 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Australia
Member # 13447
| Posted: 4:34 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014|
Even after he did, I convinced myself it wouldn't happen again.
So to recap:
OEA '94 (M about 6 mos)
Make out session with random woman just before S in '97
A with my friend in '99
A with coworker in '06
A went underground
And yes, after each d-day I convinced myself he wouldn't hurt me like that again. Except deep down I probably knew because I was insecure and went through periods of hyper vigilance.
"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*
❣I hope my issues don't discourage ur healing. I've buried a lot & my WH hasn't done his part in R❣
Posts: 10982 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
Member # 27544
| Posted: 4:35 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014|
Did I think he COULD? Yes - before we even started dating, he told me he cheated on every girlfriend he ever had.
Did I think he WOULD? No - I thought we were different. Those other girls he cheated on? They were shallow sluts - not the type of women you marry. I was so different from anyone else that he dated that I thought that it was going to have a different outcome.
How stupid was I for thinking history wouldn't repeat itself?
Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.
Posts: 2172 | Registered: Feb 2010
Member # 36634
| Posted: 4:37 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014|
Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own
Posts: 296 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
Member # 42231
| Posted: 4:57 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014|
She told me numerous times that of all the things to worry about, she would NEVER do that. Yeah...
"Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn." - C.S. Lewis
Posts: 855 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Member # 39668
| Posted: 8:39 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014|
WH is also super self-conscious. I even thought he was unattractive in the beginning - because he is the same: overweight, hairy, etc. I was on the fence about even wanting to date, but he was such a sweet guy, who acted totally different than any other guy I dated. I thought he was different. I thought 'here's a guy who would not cheat on me' - I really truly did!! It was a HUGE factor in dating/marrying him!!! Boy was I wrong, indeed.
Sadly, he too turned out to be a sociopathic skirt chaser and a pathological liar who will say anything to get laid, to give himself some kind of ego stroke and sense of self worth. And the OW, also varied - it almost seems like he doesn't have a 'type', he doesn't care what they look like; fat, skinny, big or small breasts - whatever.
Someone once told me that X looked like Kevin Smith.
I saw a family photo of OW once and I couldn't tell her from her mother.
I'm not the best looking woman in the world-- but I'm possibly better than average. Usually get someone telling me I'm pretty or that I look nice a couple of days a week. I take care of myself more or less. More importantly, I'm a hard worker and try very, very hard to be a nice person and a good friend. I can count on one hand the number of times I actually got angry or yelled at X. Was constantly loving and supportive and kind.
I'm told OW was "manly" and a complete ahole.
[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 8:45 PM, February 15th (Saturday)]
BS / D
Posts: 857 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 39334
| Posted: 10:04 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014|
She had a lot of contempt for cheaters, her mother's first husband left her mother for the AP. They're actually still together, so maybe that's why she thought she and MOM had a chance.
DDays - 1/26/2013 | 3/23/14
Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2013 | From: TX
Member # 39313
| Posted: 10:29 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014|
nope not at all.
I was his first girlfriend and lover.
I always thought I was safe because he was so shy.
I was wrong. :(
I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you
Posts: 359 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 28997
| Posted: 10:45 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014|
I must admit the thought may have fleetingly crossed my mind 3 or 4 times over the 28 years we were married (at dday).
I was silly enough to think that no one else would have him
Little did I know just how desperate some ho's are
Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"
Posts: 2738 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Member # 42170
| Posted: 11:06 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014|
NO. I was so stupid. We were having problems and he would constantly say things like, "atleast i'm not like the asshole guys who cheat on their wives or go to stripclubs." I believed him.
Why are we all so willing to believe their lies?
"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person
Posts: 337 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
Member # 42466
| Posted: 1:53 AM, February 16th (Sunday), 2014|
I never thought my wife would cheat on me. Was the farthest thing from my mind. She was always the one who thought i would go an cheat because of how much I had to care for her because of her disease and her inability to take on her role as mother to our kids and a loving caring wife to me. I had ample chances to cheat on her but it never crossed my mind.
Posts: 9 | Registered: Feb 2014
|Topic Posts: 91|