And the crowd is screaming and cheering! Woot woot!
Love that Zina BTW N_G! She kicks butt!
I'm separated and not dating at this time, but I'm sure there are men out there who won't be scared off by the fact that I'm in my 30's and have a child.
My mother divorced when I was young and married my stepdad when I was 10. Their first date was us all going to the circus together. He accepted her and me and we've been a great family. Now, he's a doting grandpa who loves his granddaughter. The word "step" isn't a word in our family.
I am not going to blow sunshine up your you know what right now, so brace yourself.....
Gently, this needs to be something you simply don't give ANY headspace to right now. You must not get distracted or make important life decisions by made-up pretend problems that don't even exist.
Deal with what's on your plate now. You have an abusive, alcoholic husband. You're repeating the cycle of abuse year after year, modeling dysfunction for your sons. They are gonna grow up to be just like their dad because that's all they know and you are showing them that it's okay to treat women that way. Deal with THAT. What are you going to do about THAT?
Nature Nailed it with this statement.
YOU, are fretting about things that you are so far from at this point it's futile, wasted energy.
Now you threw him out. Next you absolutely HAVE to learn how to be happy with you. Quit worrying about having a man in your life. First off, you don't need a man, and after putting up with the one you haves nonsense it should be the furthest thing from your mind.
Learn to be happy with who you are, and strong with who you are. Until you can do this, and know you are capable of doing it without some male you are setting yourself up for a repeat of what you have already lived through.
When you love yourself, and stand independently, and have confidence, then you won't have to worry about finding a man. They will be knocking each over other to get to you. Nothing is a greater turn on for a good man than a brave, strong, happy, confident, fierce woman. She is the one the men worth having want. Learn to be that woman, and you will be happy, with or without some stupid man. You also will not put up with any disrespect or bullshit because you will know you can do it without a man.
For the record, I perfectly understand your fear. But when I start looking I will also definitely be looking for a mom with kids first. And since I'm 42, I'll be looking at the 30ish-42 age range. There will be someone out there for you for sure.
Because I'm also a dad with kids. And people with kids "get it". There's a journey us parents have gone through that is very hard to get in while the car is already in motion. But if we were just in parallel cars, so to speak, it's easier to love our new kids and respect each other's love for them. Biological or not, that's just some genes in a lab. Everything can click without it when there's love.
This going on alone and taking charge is scary. It's scary for all of us BSs, men and women, because we did not choose this. But taking charge of the situation is the only way we're going to know we can stand up for ourselves.
It wasn't my choice. I didn't decide to start this process. But I damn well I'm going to play a big part in deciding how it ends. The only things I am sure of is freedom at the end, and the love of my kids. And what else do I need, really?
Courage is not the absence of fear. Is feeling the fear and going through it anyway.
Liberty, there are men out there, like myself, who are looking specifically for divorced or separated women with children. When I began on OLD (on-line dating) last fall those were the profiles I searched for because I wanted to find a woman who may have had similar experiences as mine. I wanted to find a woman who already had kids, and wasn't going to want more. I wanted to find a woman who had a sense of what it means to be married, and did not hold marriage up as a fantasy, rather than the mutual give and take that it is.
So don't be scared. Just on the little bit you wrote you would already have made it through my OLD screen.
As a soon-to-be-divorced 47-year-old with two young children, I second this, Liberty, word-for-word. And there are many of us out there.
Under 35? No.
No kids? No.
Want more kids? No.
Knows how to love? Yes.
Knows how to be loved? Yes.
Understands the pain of infidelity? Even better. :-)
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
I keep thinking no one will want me.
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.
I went through it at 40 and thought, "Who's gonna want me? I'm OLD!!" Well, there is life after infidelity and life after divorce. It's been 12 years for me and I am HAPPILY remarried to a wonderful guy.
You'll be fine. But in order to get to the "happy" you have to take that first step. YOU CAN DOOOO IT!!!!!
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
I just keep thinking who the heck's gonna want to take boys that aren't biologically theirs to the park, and dinner and birthday parties.
I LOVE the Zena princess warrior!!
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 11:57 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]
What I didn't do was settle. You will be fine on your own. And the more fine you are the more healed you are the healthy person you will attract for you and your boys.
It was scary, but I'm much happier now. Good luck.
I am scared too. He will be served tomorrow. He has someone to be with, his ho, I do not.
"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana
I'm so fucking scared
Unfortunately, after 14 years of marriage my wife, now XWW started having an affair. Apparently everything I did for her meant nothing in the end. With no remorse or effort toward R so I realized I needed to divorce her. I was scared too…shitless, but staying with someone who could so easily cheat and lie, was even scarier.
I wish I was 35 like you but sadly, I am 50…with two kids still at home. I doubt that anyone will want me but I guess that’s the way it has to be for now. I do hope to meet someone in the future but I am not in a hurry. I need to fix the damaged me first. I need to get back all of the confidence, trust and self-esteem she took from me before I can think about involving someone else. I have read that you should wait at least 2 years after divorce before dating again. I can understand why.
[This message edited by Decimated at 3:42 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)]
I just keep thinking who the heck's gonna want to take boys that aren't biologically theirs to the park, and dinner and birthday parties. Or, brush their teeth and hear them scream/fight/play/etc.
The breaking point in my marriage was when I realized that my x was teaching the boys that our relationship was ok and normal. I was so scared. Who would want me? I had 2 boys, a crazy x, I was only 23, with a divorce, and my tubes tied, so, I wouldn't even ever have more with anyone. So, I decided I wouldn't worry about it and I'd do the best I could to be both parents.
I met a guy about 4.5 years ago. My boys were 6 and 4. We moved in together after a year of dating. We've been married for almost 2 years now. My H, Aussie adores the boys. He doesn't have any kids of his own.
He's been to the ER for a screaming 3 yr old, on Christmas Eve, for a horrible ear infection. He's helped clean puke off the wall, after the child on the top bunk couldn't make it down in time. He's coached football. He's had empty t-shirt drawers because little monsters stole his Halo shirts to sleep in. Last weekend, he stayed home with them, and their friends so i could take a newly single friend out for Valentine's Day. He's carried sleeping 10 yr olds in from the car, and shouted it was bedtime to the half dozen boys sleeping over, and laid in bed beside me smiling when we heard them whispering still 20 minutes later. He's tripped over his tools left in the yard, and taught them to use the snow blower, the power drill, and the lawn mower. He's held them on his lap or let them climb in bed with us when thunderstorms had them scared. He's afraid of water, and when we vacation on the beach, he'll go out as far as the kids will, because they asked him to. When the kids hear the garage door open, I can't beat them into his hugs, they win every time. You would never be able to prove they aren't his.
Please don't let that fear be what keeps you from a divorce. There are definitely amazing men out there who can be great fathers, even to kids that aren't "theirs". There are great guys out there, who can love the kids like they deserve, and can teach them to be the men they should be.
It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end
Happily remarried to a wonderful man (Aussie). I think I found the right guy and the right finger this time.
Good men look at you, and who you are and what your heart is like.
Its going to be okay.
Here's hoping that there is an Aussie out there for you, Libertyrocks. (And maybe for me too? )
[This message edited by Lola2kids at 10:18 AM, February 20th (Thursday)]