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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: When you start to miss your soon to be Ex
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was just posting earlier how I was feeling surprisingly good despite this situation. Then I got home, started thinking, and started missing her so very much. Once again, happy memories began filling the screen in my mind as if I were watching a movie montage of what once was.

Hold up. That woman I remember is gone. Gone. That woman I fondly remember simply would not have done this to me. She looks the same. She sounds the same. She works at the same job, answers to the same name, has the same family. But the woman I loved is gone. How do I know?

The woman I loved would not have given herself to another.

The woman I loved would not have had 0 problem lying to my face.

The woman I loved would not have been so self-absorbed as to make this all about what she wants and needs at my expense.

The woman I loved would have been honest with me, and we would have talked, worked it out, whatever the problem.

The woman I loved would not have up and left in a flash, leaving all momentos of our departed son behind.

The woman I loved would have seen how incredibly cruel it is that she can make a clean break while leaving me with our house, our belongings, and constant reminders of what once was.

The woman I loved would not have stabbed the knife in my back, let alone twist it over and over until the wound was too much to ever heal right.

The woman I loved would not have been so incredibly selfish.

The woman I loved would not have even sightly insinuated this is my fault. It is 100% on her.

So yeah, I will have these feelings where I miss her. When that happens, I can look back at posts like this and realize this is whats best for me. Fuck her.

It's natural to miss what was once so good. You can stay in the past or move forward. I know what I need to do. I hope you all can find resolve in the same.


Me: BH, 35, Divorcing

ďLife becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.Ē
― Robert Brault


Posts: 400 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((SoulHurts)))) Good reminders there. It does get better, honey. I want you to know that and remember it when the rollercoaster takes a dip.

It gets So. Much. Better.


You can call me NIK

There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox


Posts: 22649 | Registered: Aug 2011
NeedsHope
New Member
Member # 42431
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry. It is painful. I have a list on my wall of everything he did that was despicable and subhuman to remind me of what he is capable of doing when I get sad and/or miss him which is more often than not. The person I loved would not have done those things and so I have to grieve for what I lost. It is a loss.


Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Despair
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realized sometime back that I was in love with my memories.

The woman I loved and married was long gone.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1102 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I keep coming back to song lyrics. My attention has remained mainly on harder/louder rock music because, well, anger. Heard this song on the way home and I think it fits here:

"Move On" by Devour the Day

I will never reason with myself in your defense
Or try to see your twisted point of view
The judge and the jury already let the gavel fall
Court is out, thereís nothing I can do
And it is not a question of belief on your behalf
I think it is your word that bleeds the doubt
And like a wound that never feels, infected from within
I wonít survive if I donít bleed you out

You wear me out and hold me back
I donít want to be tied down
Iím not done fighting yet
I know Iíve gotta move, move on
No, Iím not done fighting yet

Cable cords and metaphors canít make a person care
The intervention I was praying for
Regardless of some clever words I write in my despair
I notice youíre not listening anymore

You wear me out and hold me back
I donít want to be tied down
Iím not done fighting yet
I know Iíve gotta move, move on
No, Iím not done fighting yet

I wonít let myself forget
The fucked up things you did

You wear me out and hold me back
I donít want to live that way
And I donít want to be like that
I know Iíve gotta move, move on
No, Iím not done fighting yet

No, Iím not done fighting
Iím not done fighting yet

NIK; Thank you

((((NeedsHope))))

Merlin: I couldn't put it better, tragic and sad as it is.

[This message edited by SoulHurts at 7:47 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]


Me: BH, 35, Divorcing

ďLife becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.Ē
― Robert Brault


Posts: 400 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
TrustedHer
♂ Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumper sticker:

I still miss my Ex.
But my aim is improving...

Seriously, it does get better. It takes time and separation.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 4944 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Crazyville ( A little East of St. Louis)
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It gets way better and trust me here, your STBX will help hurry this process along. They are just that full of themselves, they will burn bridges that they will want to pass over again one day.


Me: 45 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 22, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 11
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1475 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I started a list of all the things that should have been deal breakers, but I had a forgiving heart.
I'm on page three and only at the halfway point of our M.
When I start to get too sad, I take a look at the list. After a while, it jogs my memory and I start writing another one down.
After the first page, I really saw who he really was. There were times in the M that his mask came off, but he put it back on so fast, I thought I had imagined it. But as the list grows, I see more clearly and know I wasn't crazy. Putting it in black and white was so enlightening. I couldn't deny anymore who he really has been all along.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB

Posts: 1784 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I envy you for being able to shut down those feelings! I feel like I just sink into this pit of sadness over what he did, all the awful things, compared to the good things which were so plentiful and meant so much to me and seemed so good and true. Where is the man I loved and was he always a pod person?! I guess I just need to try and borrow some of your 'fuck him' attitude and focus forward.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 2204 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
LifeIsBroken
♀ Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Needs Hope: If I were to make a list of all the lies, betrayals, dishonors, disrespects brought on by xh just in the last two yrs of our M, it would no longer be a list - it would be WALLPAPER.


Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 362 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I miss my husband and WH hasn't even moved out yet. But this person that is here...is not my husband.

It's so incredibly sad.


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1008 | Registered: Aug 2013
Lost15
♀ Member
Member # 40898
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A friend of mine use to tell everyone her ex was dead when they asked about him. When I am missing stbxh I think of this and how true it really is. The man that I loved is no longer here, he is someone else because the man I loved would have never done what he has done to his family.


me(BS)-34 him(WS)-32 DS-15
Married 15 years
Blindsided with divorce 07-12-13
DD-08-1-13 OW-40ish,married 20 yrs, with 4 kids she abandoned
Divorcing and trying to move one tiny step forward at a time.

Posts: 106 | Registered: Oct 2013
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a beautiful post.

I've reminded myself of these same things many many times on this road to healing.

The man I loved would not have done any of this. Most of my list has nothing to do with the infidelities.

Post DD I told the sad clown that I felt like he killed my husband. I don't feel that way anymore - the guy I thought I married only existed in my head. He was always this other guy under that great guy mask.

[This message edited by SBB at 2:58 PM, February 15th (Saturday)]


Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Posts: 4554 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
BAB61
♀ Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My initial reaction was to think "buahahaha, as if" .. but then ... reading the post and the replies I realize I miss who I thought he was, who he represented himself to be, the faÁade of lies that I bought into. Just knowing how much he lied to me, makes me not miss him anymore.

FTG!! Woooohooo!!!


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
NeedsHope
New Member
Member # 42431
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LifeIsBroken: wallpaper?

I am on a second page unfortunately.


Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Despair
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Post DD I told the sad clown that I he killed my husband. I don't feel that way anymore - the guy I thought I married only existed in my head. He was always this other guy under that great guy mask.

That's how I'm seeing it too. At first I was wondering what made her change so completely. But I eventually realized that The Princess was never who I thought she was. I was conned from Day #1.

You're on the right road now, SoulHurts. It's a shitty old dirt track in the beginning, but it keeps getting better. Someday we'll all be out cruising on the freeway.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 10 and 13
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1352 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well said, Soul (and everyone). Good insights. Two days ago I found myself crying, I missed my family so intensely. I would give anything to turn back time to a mere two years ago and find myself in bed with my wife and kids, laughing and reading to them. But it's gone. She became a stranger. She died and then killed me. But I'm getting better and stronger; the days I grieve are getting farther and farther apart. But I believe the damage is so profound I will never quite get over it. Yet, that is life. (Pained shrug.)

Strength to everyone.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1463 | Registered: Dec 2012
Topic Posts: 17

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