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User Topic: t/j initiating sex
143ANF
♀ Member
Member # 22730
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He built up a lot of resentment towards me because he would want to do it, but would not show me any signs, but still expected me to initiate. Since I was not a mind reader, I didn't and mentally he would hold it against me. It was an ugly cycle that I had NO idea was going on in his head.


One of the reasons he used for walking out again was because I wasn't initiating sex with him. I did not know I was supposed to when he spent 4-5 evenings a week on his Xbox or PC. I am flesh, blood, and feelings. I need a lead up, attention, affection.
The Xbox and PC are plastic and impersonal. Was I expected to compete for his attention?

He would come to bed when I was already asleep, a very sound sleeper. I wouldn't respond to his advances, so to him, that meant I was rejecting him.

And this is what he said made him lose interest in me and our relationship, because I wasn't initiating during his downtime and wasn't responding when I was asleep.
It's just incomprehensible to me.


I've gotten off the crazy train and I'm loving living life.

Posts: 1409 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Florida
BAB61
♀ Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBX said that about me, that I never initiated sex .. so?? His idea of foreplay was "I'm going to bed." I thought that meant he was tired, I didn't know it was code for "let's get it on!" .. doh .. yeah .. not a mind-reader either!


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During false reconciliation, I told The Princess that I was the only one who ever initiated any love, affection, or sex. It lead to this conversation:

The Princess: That's not true at all.

Me: Of course it is. Think of a single instance in which you initiated an I-love-you, a hug, a kiss, a cuddle, sex.

The Princess: Well you can't expect me to name a single time...

Me: Every single day when you leave for work, I hug you, kiss you, and tell you I love you. I do the same when you arrive home. I initiated sex on our anniversary, on your birthday, on my birthday, every time we did it last week, every time we've ever done it - except for when you're drunk. I don't expect you to agree to it every time, but when you're the only person initiating, you're also the only person who gets rejected. And that feels pretty shitty.

The Princess: Traditionally, it is the man's job to initiate sex.

Me: Holy fucking shit! You did not just say that! Traditionally it is also the woman's job to do all the cooking and cleaning. Just let me know when you want to adopt more traditional roles.

At that point, she stamped her foot, and petulantly said, "I AM NOT COLD!"

And she was right. She's not cold with anyone else. She just was with me.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2089 | Registered: Jan 2013
scarednbroken
♀ Member
Member # 41961
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH says the same of me. I don't initiate bc he usually rebuffs me. He is only interested if he is interested. My wants don't come into play. And if I am sick, hurting, sad, or any other way unavailable I am a cold fish. Usually he only initiates on days I can't. And he knows I can't. So he wants me to just take care of him.... Well I never get the same nicities when he's unable, so... I say no. And then I become a bad wife bc I don't take care of his needs. :( so find someone who will right? Dang. Can't help if I'm female and not pregnant can I? Or I caught the flu. Or I'm having a bad asthma day. Lately tho it's self preservation bc of the possibility of getting sick from him.

The WS I think is so self focused they really couldn't care less about their spouses feelings or needs. It's of small consequence to #1


BS: Me 44 WH: 50 Kids: 13, 15, 17, 28 DD: every yr Ow: tons Status: fed-up. A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn't want for her daughter, nor should she allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for

Posts: 417 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
outside4me
♂ Member
Member # 42430
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pretty common knowledge that women need affection and some warm up first. Men use sex to relax, women need to relax to have sex.

Posts: 218 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Colorado
outside4me
♂ Member
Member # 42430
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pretty common knowledge that women need affection and some warm up first. Men use sex to relax, women need to relax to have sex.

Posts: 218 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Colorado
outside4me
♂ Member
Member # 42430
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pretty common knowledge that women need affection and some warm up first. Men use sex to relax, women need to relax to have sex.

Posts: 218 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Colorado
outside4me
♂ Member
Member # 42430
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D'oh... sorry about the computer hiccups!

Posts: 218 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Colorado
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't expect you to agree to it every time, but when you're the only person initiating, you're also the only person who gets rejected. And that feels pretty shitty.

This is pure fucking gold, sir. Pure fucking gold.

Pretty common knowledge that women need affection and some warm up first. Men use sex to relax, women need to relax to have sex.

This, otoh, is a pretty shitty thing to say. I don't fuck my wife to blow off steam, and there are times she just wants some lube so we can go right at it.

People like to fuck, whether or not they have a dick attached, and people have FEELINGS, also whether or not they have a dick attached.

eta:

I capslocked FEELINGS because I have a dick attached and I can't help but subscribe to certain social expectations and predispositions on an emotional scale, even if intellectually I'm something something something intelligible point.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 1:22 AM, February 15th (Saturday)]


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7477 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:35 AM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't expect youto agree to it every time, but when you're the only person initiating, you're also the only person who gets rejected. And that feels pretty shitty

Reason #102 why I'm in a sexless marriage by choice now


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5130 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was a huge issue for us as well.

WH felt rejected because I wasn't responding to all of his advances, so he said he was going to let me initiate instead.

That was in 2008. He hasn't initiated sex since 2008. I don't count, "do I you want to have sex?".

Thing is...he didn't want me to initiate. He wanted me to beg.
At least that's how it felt.

I'd plan a sex date for after dinner, and he'd be watching tv in bed and I'd tell him as soon as I was out of the shower I'd be ready!

I'd come out and there'd be nothing done to prepare...no music, no fixing the bed...nothing. He'd just be sitting there half asleep or with his laptop out and wouldn't even flinch or make a move like 10minutes earlier I hadn't said I was freshening up for our sex date.

Mind boggling.

I'm sure he perceived it all very differently.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did not know I was supposed to when he spent 4-5 evenings a week on his Xbox or PC. I am flesh, blood, and feelings. I need a lead up, attention, affection. The Xbox and PC are plastic and impersonal. Was I expected to compete for his attention?

This is my husband. He's always on that damn box. I hate it Him and his friends complain about their wives and say "they wonder why we're on the xbox so much."

I initiated sex each time. If I didn't the kids wouldn't be here. I always had to compete for his attention. Sometimes I didn't even realize it. I chalked it up to being a hobby

I'm sorry you're going through this is as well.

PS. I wonder if our husbands play their games together...

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 7:13 PM, February 15th (Saturday)]


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
143ANF
♀ Member
Member # 22730
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SD

PS. I wonder if our husbands play their games together...

They just may be.

A typical Friday and Saturday night, the games would begin around 9PM and not end until at least 2-3AM. During the week, if he had an overnight for work the night before, his priority was getting back on that Xbox to play with his friends, not spending time with me or having sex.

I would say I'll miss the sex but how can I miss something I wasn't getting enough of anyways?


I've gotten off the crazy train and I'm loving living life.

Posts: 1409 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Florida
sueaug
New Member
Member # 38611
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the internet has a lot to answer for games, facebook etc. then there is the tv - football, sport - sex - no chance

Posts: 15 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: england
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had the same struggle. He also was rather attached to the PS3. Also the pot. Right now he is 15 days clean from pot (yay!) so we've been much more delicate lately. I stopped initiating a long time ago because, as someone else said, it sucked being the one who always got rejected. Plus, if he was saying no to sex often (even when he was having EAs or watching porn), then I would feel like I was assaulting or at minimum harassing him if I asked. We're both survivors of sexual assault, and he's only recently been opening up about his. Because of that reason, and because he won't talk about our sexuality and work on communicating when and how sex feels OK for him (and instead explodes with anger sometimes and seems to enjoy it other times), I don't think I will initiate with him again. Can't risk making him relive bad memories of his abuse and feeling violated again, and can't risk him making me feel dirty or perverted or unworthy for wanting sex (this was a part of the aftermath of the abuse I went through, shaming). Can't risk making either of us feel worse.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A typical Friday and Saturday night, the games would begin around 9PM and not end until at least 2-3AM. During the week, if he had an overnight for work the night before, his priority was getting back on that Xbox to play with his friends, not spending time with me or having sex.

That's my husband's every day. He's on it right now and will be on it all night. Depending on the game he'll be on it until the early am hours. Sometimes he'll be off by midnight. But he had made it abundantly clear that his gaming friends and his games are more important than us.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Topic Posts: 16

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