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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Price Tags
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So it is that in this world, nothing comes to us without a price tag.

And then there is the string of questions, to prove or disprove the need, based often on the desired object. How high? How low. How much? How hard to achieve the ultimate goal?

This is by way of preamble, as I prepare and watch my sister prepare for her marriage and wedding day.

We are very different people, she and I, and those differences are coming out like night and day now. She was influenced largely by my narcissistic mum and I, by my ultra conservative, timid but controlling father. (Divorced parents)

Anyway...

What's interesting for me is after all the psychology I've read and learned the last few years, I've tried in vain to share with her and NM (Narcissistic Mum), but it is no surprise that it goes right over their heads.

So this sister has the sense of entitlement like Perv that drives me crazy, but I'm getting better at not caring about it anymore and recreating my bubble of life. Always she took from me and still does, so this is no surprise that she does not listen.

Anyway...she is searching for money to fund her wedding and angry at our father because he will provide money under a father's sense of duty, for she's burned him big time, but she complains bitterly at it's price tag. He is giving, but not in a free way. If you need something as small as a band aid, you'd better spend time preparing your speech, for which you'll spend the next 20 years defending the need. She should get this by now, after her whole life of asking him for monetary support, but either doesn't or ignores, I'm not certain. And caring less. It's wonderful.

I also don't understand the entitlement sometimes, but do in some ways, because if I can't pay for something, I simply don't do it.

And it's amazing to me how such very different people can come from the same beginning.

The other side of this for my sister is that my father does not give this money for the wedding without complaint, so is raining on her parade. For me that would have been the cover and slam-down on "never mind", yet she keeps pursuing this money because...well, he's my dad and shouldn't he? Shouldn't he just give me more money and be quiet? And know my marriage will work?

It's a very interesting thing to watch and I wonder how it will go for her. She is also not always kind to this man, her fiancÚ, who is extremely kind to her and everyone else...his patience with her is amazing, at least when I am present, and she tends to pass through relationships at warp speed. She is very, very pretty but very, very narcissistic and it takes some time before people figure this out.

She and NM get rather annoyed if any of us aren't glowing and already throwing rice, but each and ever member of my family has been divorced. They know.

ETA to add some irony as she waited until she is "older", in her 30's and will be the only married one of us, who for so long in her life did not believe in marriage. Turning tides are interesting as well.

A high price tag, indeed.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 10:12 AM, February 15th (Saturday)]


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2204 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every family has their interesting characters and interactions. Sometimes you have to do as you are doing; know you can not change their way of doing things, or help them in any way. Just sit back and stay out of the way.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5429 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
LoveHerStill
♂ Member
Member # 31504
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is very interesting how different personalities can arise in siblings. My two older sisters have a strong sense of entitlement, especially the oldest. They have always competed with each other but deny doing so. They have not learned their life lesson yet and it has caused discord in our family. I have chosen to not engage or become involved in their attempts at triangulation. This is the only way to escape the dysfunction and has decreased my stress greatly. You are doing the right thing by not engaging, this is not your battle to fight.

They and my mom have narcissistic traits and It is very difficult to engage in normal relationship with them. Once you become aware of this fact and approach the relationships with this in mind, you can protect yourself and have peace in your life. Sounds like you are on that path.

Much like with XWW, I have learned to not engage in their problems, not try to fix it for them, watch what I share with them, and enforce boundaries. It has taken over a year to get to where I am. I have been burned many times, but now I can read sand respond to ssituations much better. I have been focusing on myself and letting them carry on with their drama as I sideline myself. It is working. They now realize that I won't get involved and are starting to find new, or old targets.

Keep up the good work and be vigilant!


Me BH-45
Her WW-44
Married-20yrs
Together-26yrs
D-Day 4/11/10
Divorced 9/13/2010
XWW Married OM 5/23/2011

There is hope. Once you truly commit to focusing on yourself and letting go, it comes back, and you will appreciate it like never before.


Posts: 462 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Seattle, WA
Topic Posts: 3

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