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Newest Member: AmIDreaming41 (45703)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Back to square one
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 2:23 AM, February 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is wife #4! She has to compete everyday with 3 other ex-wives memories. You don't think that she wonders if she is being compared to all the others? How about wondering if he will cheat on her, if he will kick her to the curb just as easily as you.

As far as thinking killing yourself would ease your pain. Sure, but what about everyone you leave behind to have to live with what you have done. No one, and I mean no one is worth killing yourself over.

Think of the pain he inflicted on you while being married to you. Do you really wish that you were there again, really. She now lives that life. Facebook life of "pretending to the world how wonderful everything really is(not)".

Facebook is not reality. How has he moved on? He is still there, just a different person's life to ruin. No matter who he is with, what house he lives in, how much or how little money he has, he is a pathetic excuse for happiness.

Putting a photo and spewing "love you" on Facebook doesn't equal happiness. It's for show when you have stolen another person's spouse. They know people look at them and judge them. It's guilt and trying to prove to the world that "it was really meant to be"!

Like everyone else said, STOP looking. We all want to know that the Karma bus has run over them. However, their bus arrived, they are together and no matter how unhappy they are, the world will never be told and they will have to pretend to keep up the "soul-mate" lie.


Posts: 2178 | Registered: Mar 2011
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:28 AM, February 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Imagine telling people you are wife # 4. He is 38, FFS!!! I'm 38 and I only just got rid of the first one.

2nd wife - OK, it happens. 3rd wife - er, Houston, we have a problem. 4th wife - AYFKM?????

At 38!!!

Elizabeth Taylor was a hot mess and she only managed 8 in 79 years with 7 different men.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5652 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, February 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Cayc))).

You and I have exchanged PM's when you helped me with something and I know what a kind and sincere person you are.

I know you live outside if the US. I have lived in a foreign country also and it was difficult.

Is this compounding your loneliness and isolation? I know it helps me just to chat to my neighbors or get their help with something. And although I live in a rural area, I'm 30 minutes from two cities. Just a thought.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, February 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not really supposed to be in NB but I saw you posted this and I had to offer ((((())))) as we struggle with the same self worth issues.

I know you'll logic it away as me not really knowing you, but I have to say I think you're a beautiful woman inside and out. I envy you that. I envy how much you've accomplished in your life despite the selfish idiot who has done his best to derail and damage you.

He's the damaged one or he, as others have pointed out, wouldn't be on wife four. What's posted on FB- we know it's a front. I don't know of anyone that is completely honest when they post for the world to see. Especially when they have it all open with no privacy settings. She knows damn well you might be looking at her FB. She's baiting you.

Why would someone who is happy feel the need to do that? You were M to him, you know the prize she won. Constantly cheating. Subtle and not so subtle abuse. Steroids IIRC and we've all heard about not only roid rage but what it does to a guy's nads.

Sometimes when we make mistakes we have to prove to others that we didn't. Mom did that when she left dad for OM. Got her tubes untied so she could have more kids (that she abused and neglected too). She cheated on him and left him too. Out of her five kids she has fully rejected me. You have been such an encourager in not letting me dwell in rejection from those I love. For me, you can see that their behavior doesn't define my worth.

Please, please see that for yourself. You're worth so much more than two broken people. It pains me to see you're feeling like this. Especially over two people who are so selfish, thoughtless and cruel. I wish I had the magic words. I don't. Just my shoulder and prayers for you to see the truth of who they are. I would consider myself blessed to count you as a friend.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11274 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really appreciate the 2x4s, hugs and advice. Just knowing that I have friends who understand makes a big difference.

I wish I could say this was just a momentary glitch in the matrix, that I bounced back better than ever but ... no I've only stopped the downward spiral. I've righted myself somewhat. I feel better.

But in thinking over things, I think what I feel most now (or rather what underscores most of my meltdowns) is fear. I am so afraid. So full of uncertainty. So unsure I can cope. Disaster seems to lurk around every corner. No one can be trusted etc etc etc.

xWH, the *only* good thing I can say about him is that with him the fear abated. I didn't worry about the future, my future.

But now I feel in free fall. Completely unable to survive.

I also feel stuck. That all I have is this job that pays for everything, that if I actually had to provide for myself I'd wind up homeless.

I have no idea what any of this means. Just that it's exhausting. And depressing. Maybe life isn't supposed to be rainbow skittle shitting unicorns and fairies granting wishes, but surely it's also not supposed to be this constant dirge of fear that no effort drowns out. Because the latter is what it is for me right now.

[This message edited by cayc at 7:16 AM, February 23rd, 2014 (Sunday)]


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3143 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also feel stuck. That all I have is this job that pays for everything, that if I actually had to provide for myself I'd wind up homeless.

Um, I'm pretty darn familiar with your skillset and resume, and my friend, you would not wind up homeless. You'd get a job quick as a wink in any of a handful of cities you wanted to choose from.

No more speaking lies about yourself. I won't stand for it.

Oh, and ETA... the job's not all you have. You have a strong network of friends who love you deeply, an adorable little Dude to whom you are the world, more discipline and dedication with that crossfit nonsense (says the squishy girl ) than anyone I've met who isn't a professional athlete, an empathetic and caring heart, an enormous intellect and sharp wit, and a family who deep down love you even if they don't understand how to show it. You've got a lot.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 7:59 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)]


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13855 | Registered: Jul 2011
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just curious, have you seen a doctor to see if maybe ADs would help? Sounds like you could use something to help you get to a less dark place. There is no shame in that.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jesus fucking christ, if you wonder why I can't get over this shit, I'm sitting here listening to my colleague who sits right next to me call my xWH on the phone and be pleasant to him. FUCK.


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3143 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everybody is happy on FB. In reality? Not so much


^^^^^^^^^^^ this from TG is spot on


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8489 | Registered: Apr 2008
hardtimesinlife
♀ Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm now 47 and I feel that same fear. It is easing a bit but for a while it consumed me. And what sucks is I used to be a competent, secure woman. I don't know if this applies to you but I learned that the overwhelming fear can be a symptom of menopause. I have been in menopause for several years and should be coming to an end any time now. Thought I'd throw that out as one possible explanation.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6154 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just the fact that she is wife #4, I mean SHIT! Who the hell gets married 4 times????????

You think they are all happy and wonderful over there in fantasyland? They aren't.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3477 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jesus fucking christ, if you wonder why I can't get over this shit, I'm sitting here listening to my colleague who sits right next to me call my xWH on the phone and be pleasant to him. FUCK.
Why is your colleague calling your xwh?


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3477 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is your colleague calling your xwh?

Because we all work for the same agency, and I'm currently serving in a 6 month LEO rotation that means the work I do is the same he does, just in different locations. It's fucking awesome let me tell you to listen to my colleague specifically ASK to speak to xWH. Ugh.

I really hope that the whole married 4x by 40 is proof of an impending mushroom cloud of karma. And I know I'm not supposed to care, but my life was practically ruined by this guy so I can't help it. Just to see that he has slotted her into my role, using the same language he did with me ...

[This message edited by cayc at 3:56 PM, February 24th, 2014 (Monday)]


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3143 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
I.will.survive
♀ Member
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just to see that he has slotted her into my role, using the same language he did with me ..

That's because this is about HIM, right? Nothing about you. He's the same person he was when he was married to you. And to #2. And to #3. And now to #4.

Don't worry, it's probably all sunshine and roses at first for every woman he chooses to propose to. YOU found out what kind of man he really is. So did #2. So did #3. Just wait. Eventually #4 will find out as well.

Don't feel jealous of any of these women or pine for a man you think is giving the best parts of himself to THEM and not you. He is who he is, therefore the shiny romantic stuff is going to wear off.

Meanwhile, move on with YOUR life and know that he's using that same language (of false promises, loving actions, whatever)because that is what HE does..... and it's likely not going to last.


Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, February 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2nd wife - OK, it happens. 3rd wife - er, Houston, we have a problem. 4th wife - AYFKM?????

At 38!!!


^ This! I mean, seriously? AYFKM?? 4 times? FOUR!

His game has NOT changed. He's only changed the players. The outcome is always the same. People don't change really, and those that do have to have some major soul searching, and he obviously doesn't strike me as the type to ever think anything is wrong with him, it's everyone else, right?


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3477 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Topic Posts: 35
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