I'm going to get boxes and do my best to get it done (he won't be around), and my parents are amazing and have bought a place where I will be living in a few months, so I know I'm lucky...
But am still sad to be officially ending everything and having the finality. I know it's for the best but it hurts and I'm afraid I'm going to be very emotional and upset while packing up the life I thought I was building.
So any good thoughts, strength I can get from here will be appreciated.
If there is a way to not think, to numb your mind when you're there, it helps. Don't think of the past when you're there. Don't think of the future. Time doesn't matter as much as people, society, deem it so.
Time is not of the essence.
Time is not anything.
And...if this isn't possible yet, for it's really hard...think that new walls await. Maybe think of where you'll put the new books. And, the new books and other belongings will be safe. All yours.
And new walls are coming, with zero sign of the past that you can make all yours, wherever you're going.
The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
I left the few mementos from our time together stuck inside a book I gave him for his birthday last year. He had written that he loved me on the title page. When is the next time I will trust someone enough to give them a million thoughtful presents? I did that for him both years we were together and now it just makes me feel stupid. And will he open the book and find them, and be as hurt by the loss of the love we had as I am?
I really want to find an email from him in my trash folder. something deeply apologetic and sad. Something so I don't feel that I am the only one mourning or the only one who was in love. There's just something awful in the finality. I guess maybe I secretly hoped he would put a stop to very thing. It's funny because I wouldn't even have not moved everything out at this point. Knowing what I do about his actions...I know he is off the table. But I still wish that the version of him I knew initially could be proved to be the real McCoy and could trounce the lying, insecure, selfish, hateful person who it turned out predominated.
Now it's just about accepting that it's over I guess. Today I saw my new apartment with the broker and a good friend who came with has agreed to move in as my roommate. Thn on the walk home I saw the first snowdrops of the season, poking out of a melting snowpile. New beginnings. I know that's what's best, just need to get through grieving / desperately clinging to what I believed was my future.
Thanks to all the SI folks who are making it easier.