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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Limiting transparency
Autumn22
♀ New Member
Member # 41810
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's exactly what my parents always told me. I think my mom called it "pillow talk" and husbands and wives sharing info didn't count as breaking secrecy promised a friend.

I told H this last night and he said that we clearly have very different ideas about what was appropriate, as far as info shared between spouses.

As an SA, he is dealing with more than just his infidelity. I know he is working very hard to stop trying to keep himself safe by exerting power and control over me. I just think he's got a blind spot on this one, and now that I've continued to hold my ground, he needs to either justify it to himself or admit he blew it on this one. I know, since recognizing that he's been responsible for over a decade of intense pain for me, he feels like all he does is mess up again and again as he tries to figure it all out. So I'm trying to give him some time to work through this. I fear (for him) it's going to be another hard to swallow example of how he sacrifices my needs for his own comfort/sense of safety from a one-up position.


Me: BW 45
Him: PA/SA in recovery 42
Married in 2000
Multiple DDs - gory details now in profile

Posts: 41 | Registered: Dec 2013
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been figuring out that boundaries in a relationship are crucial to its success. As such, all friends of the relationship (and there should be NO other friends) should be aware that you and your spouse keep no secrets. That means that they have been warned that anything they share with you, they can reasonably assume your spouse knows, too. It has become our new motto, "We have no secrets." I don't care what Bob says about his wife, but I do care if he's conspiring with my spouse about a possible affair or if their texting session reveals a possible breach in healthy boundaries for my relationship. When my WS attempted to limit transparency I left.

Because he was unfaithful, the transparency needs to be at the level you need to heal. Be honest with yourself about what you need. It's not an issue of being non-negotiable, it's an issue of what you NEED from WS to remain in the relationship after WS shattered the foundation of trust and security in your relationship. If he can't give you what you know you need, then he will not be able to help you heal in the relationship and you will have to independently move forward healing yourself...without him. And Bob's privacy is not a priority over your need to heal in the relationship by him verifying you can trust him.


WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 700 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"limiting transparency" That is the best Oxymoron I have heard in a while.

Seriously. There is no limit on transparency in an M. Lets reverse the situation, if your spouse said I have concerns about ABC, wouldn't you willing show him there is nothing to be concerned about?

This is f'd up wayward thinking, and you need to stand your ground, cause sister if you can't get this, then you will never have a healthy relationship.

I can tell you from personal experience after Dday I got a lot of balking, and reasons why I didn't need to check emails, etc, and I got changed passwords, for no reason, and all that BS, you know why? Cause he was breaking NC. When we reached the point of true remorse, when he knew I would no longer tolerate any of it? That's when complete transparency happened, and you know what? It is still in place 5 years later. No concerns, or questions, just a happy guy handing over his phone, or a oh by the way, had to change passwords to x today, this is what it is.....

Anything less in my world is unacceptable.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8707 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Hannah25
♀ Member
Member # 42198
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm having truble with this whole issue. Even if I have passwords to everything, which I do, how do I know that he hasn't set up a new email account, or something like that? The point is that he could still easily be sneaking around if he wanted to. I don't have access to his work computer (he can't bring it home).

Maybe it's just because it's still so soon after DDay, and I just can't believe anything he says yet.


ME: 35
WBF: 44
Together 11 years
DDay: 1/12/14
DDay2: 3/28/14

Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Ohio
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"limiting transparency" That is the best Oxymoron I have heard in a while.

Seriously. There is no limit on transparency in an M. Lets reverse the situation, if your spouse said I have concerns about ABC, wouldn't you willing show him there is nothing to be concerned about?

This is f'd up wayward thinking, and you need to stand your ground, cause sister if you can't get this, then you will never have a healthy relationship.

I can tell you from personal experience after Dday I got a lot of balking, and reasons why I didn't need to check emails, etc, and I got changed passwords, for no reason, and all that BS, you know why? Cause he was breaking NC. When we reached the point of true remorse, when he knew I would no longer tolerate any of it? That's when complete transparency happened, and you know what? It is still in place 5 years later.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8707 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 25
Pages: 1 · 2

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