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User Topic: Some Thoughts
scangel3
♀ Member
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I came here tonight, not really expecting to post. Not really expecting anything. I have been down lately, and am feeling some what better. I have had some realizations lately, that just hit me out of no where. Wh's just not the person I ever thought he would be 11 years ago. If he was I wouldn't have married him. I am trying to avoid the overwhelming feeling I get when I try to figure out where we need to go from here. It's kind of a moot point anyways, I can not move out financially we are stuck. So what's the point in trying to figure it out now. So for the most part I just ignore it all. Which in turn has put this weird natural 180 in place. I haven't set out to do this, but lately we have spent more time apart then together when he is home. I don't engage with him, I usually am upstairs reading a book, or relaxing in a warm bath, while he falls asleep downstairs, then him finally coming to bed at 2/3 am if at all, pretty much every night. It's actually more comfortable then being downstairs with him, there's a weird silence that sits between us when we are together. Partly because I asked him to read something that I had written in one of my fits of pure anger, I wrote it about 3 months ago and had posted it on here. I have been hesitant in letting him read it, its very raw, but I feel like he needs to know how I truly feel inside, and what he did to me. I can't seem to get it threw to him when we talk. The other day when I had told him I would like him to read it because I was really struggling with EVERYTHING, DDay 1 antiversary is coming up and I needed his support that day. He said nothing in return, and sure as hell didn't read the "letter" and I got NO support when I expressed I was really struggling with everything. That was my first realization the other day that has brought me here to post, once again. He's just not that type of guy to comfort me like I need, even when I spell it out for him what I need he still just can't do it, and I realized he never has and I don't think he ever will. With my past, and all my issues I really need to be comforted at times, just a simple hug would really help at times, to just know that he is here and listening would do wonders. I also realized the other day (I had been reading a romance) I don't remember if my wh has ever told me I was beautiful. I really honestly can not remember if he's ever told me that. I know when we first met he liked my picture (we met online) and maybe he told me I was pretty, but I am not sure. But it doesn't matter what I wear, even at his best friends wedding when I was all dressed up and we were in Hawaii, he never told me I was beautiful or anything along those lines. I would really like to be told I was beautiful/pretty from people other then my mom and family friend. But I want it to be sincere. I don't feel like I can tell him I need him to tell me these things specifically because then when he said them they wouldn't feel genuine. He knows I have body image issues, and I feel like he doesn't look at me (like really look at me especially sexually), but other then that I don't want to push the specific words on him. I want sincerity and am tired of telling me specific words and feelings to share with me, it just all seems so fake.

I know he supports our family, we struggle financially on just his salary while I am in school, and he helps clean the kitchen (when I ask him) and helps do the laundry, there are sometimes the kitchen and laundry doesn't get done unless he does it because I am either so busy with the kids or to consumed by sadness/depression that I just barely get by day to day enough to get my kids to school and then keep up with them after school. He'll do most anything I ask of him, like to get me this or that, or stop at the store on the way home. Other then A related things I have asked him to do, he'll do it, oh and other then a few date ideas I throw out there every once in a while, that I have been suggesting since the beginning of our relationship. I should be happy and thankful for those things though right? He loves his kids, he enjoys going to their activities, he leaves work early if possible to get to their soccer/baseball games. I should be happy with that right? But I am not, it's just not enough for me. Is that selfish?, should I just be happy with that? I am lucky in these areas there are a lot of guys that don't do half what my wh does. My dad (step dad) never came to our activities, I can literally count on 1 hand how many games/concerts/activities he came to between my sister and I (he became my dad when I was 3). So I should just be happy my wh wants to be a part of that side of our childrens lives, right? Shouldn't that be enough? I feel bad saying he's a bad husband, and I don't want to be with him, knowing everything he does do for our family. My family doesn't understand, all they see is this great guy and dad, that loves his family, even though they know what he did, and my mom knows he doesn't love me. It's just weird, I can't even say anything around them without getting some remark, or smirk like I am just being a bitch or to hard on him. Maybe I am, maybe I am just being a bitch and to hard on him. But he doesn't really make me happy, other then the father side of him. I don't get excited when he comes home from work, or when we are going to get some alone time. I don't look forward to having a nice dinner with just him, no kids. I would rather just hang out with my kids, or my mom and sister. But no one sees or understands that part. And everyone would be crushed if I left him, they wouldn't understand, even the ones that know about his A. Even the other day my sister was looking to buy a "new" car, and she was looking at one that was the same color and make/model as OW, I wanted to puke, they couldn't understand why I said I will never ride in that car if you get it. They thought I was just being silly, now granted they don't know all that went on in OW's car between my wh and her, but just the look I got when I explained I couldn't look at the car let alone ride in it because it was the same car as OW was just numbing to me, they just don't get it and I hope to God they never really will, but it puts me in a tough spot, they just don't understand where I am in all of this, and what I feel. They just see wh as a good guy and a good day.

I know this post is just one big ramble, and I could go on forever. I am not really looking for anything from this post, just my thoughts and questions that have been roaming around in my head. I just needed to get it out, and I have no one in RL to talk to about it. And anyways no one in my RL understands what I am going through. So thank you to anyone that makes it through this post. I know it is long, but it's just my thoughts or at least some of them Maybe I should be going to school to be a writer

[This message edited by scangel3 at 11:02 PM, February 15th (Saturday)]


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
purplejacket4
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have been heard. People who haven't been affected just don't get triggers.

Is sounds like you don't love your husband anymore. That's ok. You don't have to love him just because he's a good dad. Stop feeling guilty. Plan for your future. Bide your time. Continue to detach.

Hugs to you.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
emotionalgirl
♀ Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, February 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi scangel....your post hit a nerve with me. I understand, I really do. I think this is what some folks call the lethal plain of nothingness. I always said I love my H, but since is EA I, like you have detached. I just don't care if we spend time together or not. Had I known the man he would become 25yrs ago I would not have married him.

I too feel guilty about my feelings. He is a great provider, and everyone else out there including my family think he's a great guy and great husband. They don't see the passive aggressive A hole I sometimes deal with or the person who doesn't ever tell me I look good or am beautiful. I don't remember the last time he told me I looked beautiful. I too have body image issues, but I get tons of compliments when I dress up. They don't see the guy who criticizes because something isn't done to his satisfaction.

Many nights like tonight. I Lie in bed while he sits downstairs and falls asleep on the couch. He then comes to bed a 2 or 3 in the morning. There is also this awkward silence between us, not that comfortable happy to be in the same room silence. That I know I should be talking to you but don't know what to say silence.

We did an in house separation at one point, and it was peaceful, so very peaceful. Maybe that means it is time to move on....I don't know. My mother always says doubt means don't. Maybe it just isn't time yet.

Sorry for rambling and for hijacking your thread....what I really wants to get through was that you are not alone in your feelings.

((((Hugs)))) may we both find our path. God bless.


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 370 | Registered: Aug 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:48 AM, February 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read your pain.

WRT your first issue, this could be a simple 'love language' mismatch. Years of a mismatch can be draining, but it may be easy to resolve. My W has always shown her love by doing things around the house, but I never realized that. I show love with touch, but she never realized it. Now we both accept the love the other gives. What's more, we 'speak' more in the other's language - a definite win-win.

There's a self-test at http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ that really helped us.

WRT your 2nd issue, I don't see any conflict between recognizing that he's a good father but a bad H for you. Talking and listening in each other's love language may help, but if it doesn't, it's important that you realize it and make conscious decisions about your life. It's OK to be dissatisfied and leave, and it's OK to be dissatisfied and stay - but make your decision consciously.

Bottom line: There's nothing wrong with you. Love Language mismatch is common, and it's great that you see your H both as good father and as not good enough H. (Of course, deciding what to do to improve your sitch isn't easy....)

[This message edited by sisoon at 4:52 AM, February 16th (Sunday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9982 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
scangel3
♀ Member
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sisoon; we've done the love language test,mine are physical and words of affirmation (I scored the same for both), not sure if those are the correct names for them but you'll know what I mean, and yes wh's are different. But he knows mine,and I've expressed what I need but he just doesn't do it. I can't really push any harder for him to get it and do the things I need.


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone can be a good father and yet you can still not want to be with them as a partner. That's fine. You should be with someone who can fulfill you emotionally and give you what you need. I'm sorry your family is pressuring you in a way that makes you feel guilty for expecting more.

He will still be a good dad if you are divorced, and you can still appreciate him for that without wanting to stay.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4082 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Topic Posts: 6

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