How am I supposed to trust him living apart from me. What if he cheats again, or starts drinking again, or starts watching porn again. How are we going to work on things when he's in another state. Is there still a chance for us to be a family again?
There's certainly a chance for you to be a family again, but not as long as he's in control of the family decisions- he's already shown a tendency to screw those up and make the decisions for you.
If you feel like it's a bad idea, it probably IS a bad idea. Trust yourself.
I don't know your WH, but if he's like mine, he suddenly has to move, drop all associates, get new friends, get new interests because everyone starts to see thru him and *poof* he is ready to move on and not face anything.
Go see an atty right away and ask if you can get some sort of legal temporary orders === even though you are not thinking that you are separated, any day he could be the one who determines that....KWIM, and at least you are a step ahead of him providing for your children.
FYI when we separated (not that you are going to, but just FYI), I was a stay home mom and part time greeting card lady. WS had to pay the house pay, my auto insurance, give me 600 a month. I was also able to get on food stamps (SNAP) at 480.00 a month for 6 months.
Don't be scared, be calm and proactive....
I remember the feeling of wondering if he would cheat again, drink too much, watch porn etc. it ate me up with worry.
Then I had a realization that i couldn't control what he did, when he did it and who he did it with, only he can do that. And I made peace with it.
My WS has been gone a year, again, 3 time zones away, he couldn't possibly find a job here
I am not from where we live but we have been here for almost 10 years and I don't want to leave.
What should you do? What do you want to do?
It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.
For you, it means zero support system, alienated, insecure, dependent completely on him, which makes it easier for you to be manipulated. This has to have gone through his mind.
I speak from my own experience - being moved away from home is hell! I was completely at his mercy, just like he wanted. Guess where that led? I had to save up for a hell of a long time on the sly so that I could escape. Thank God I made it back home and will never have to deal with him again!
My advice is, don't move from home under ANY circumstances. The easier cheating is just the beginning; finances are a hell all their own, too!
As to living apart from him, no, bad idea. The only option (just my opinion) - He's got to get it through his head pronto that you are staying right where you are, and if he wants to remain married to you, he has to forget the out of state job, and with no attitude about it. Believe me, you'll get what you demand, once it is a demand and not a plea. Make it so that it is not even open for discussion. State your needs on this and stick firmly to your guns.
Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M
If he hasn't done any of the work to ensure no more loose boundaries and making himself into a better person, I would think hard about moving away with young kids.
We moved 6 months after DDay. FWH looked for work in an area that I always wanted to live, and applied for jobs without my knowledge "as a surprise." Given that this was somewhere I was hoping to move someday, I saw the gesture as more considerate than controlling. I needed to get away from ground zero and he acted.
We are about 2 hours away from my support system now, and it's really hard. I do think that getting some space from the area helped in a lot of ways, but I'm starting to be really homesick for my family and friends.
I wasn't sure I wanted to stay married either, but I felt good about moving at the time and that was the deciding factor. That should be YOUR deciding factor too, and he should respect it.
In the meantime, what is he doing for you /the kids/the marriage that is convincing you to try and work on it? Is it worth it? I know that it would be so hard for the kids to be without their parents together regularly, but it would be hard for them to leave their schools and friends and family too.
If your gut is giving you an answer, it's ok to give something a try.
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
Although it was within the same state, WH & I had very different lifestyles (I lived in a large city & he lived in the suburbs bordering on rural) when we met. Within 3 months of meeting, I moved in with him. It was a big lifestyle change for me. I felt so isolated.
I had no family/friends nearby except by phone
( we are talking about 25 years ago, so it wasn't the same---now everybody is connected electronically & you can have a virtual relationship with anyone.)
But if you have kids, you need your mom & sisters to be nearby.
It sounds like a lot of things need to be negotiated before you even consider relocating.
Sending you strength
[This message edited by mchercheur at 9:20 PM, February 16th (Sunday)]
[This message edited by Flourgirl at 10:44 PM, February 16th (Sunday)]