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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: A couple of things that are really hurting me
flayed
♀ Member
Member # 41875
Sad  Posted: 11:04 PM, February 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am writing this here because my WH can't give me the answers I need, I can't share with family/friends, and seeing my IC is difficult due to a lack of childcare.

Two thoughts/realizations are causing me great pain.

1. My H didn't do this TO me, he did it FOR him. I wasn't even a consideration. He admitted he knew (before starting the A) that it would destroy me and that losing me was a risk. He did it anyway. I wasn't even a consideration in his decision-making process. WHY???? I feel so small and insignificant.

2. He claims he never stopped loving me, but his actions show that he only returned to me once he got tired of HER and got tired of her craziness, and not a moment sooner. It feels like he looked on me as his loyal, pathetic dog.

How do I deal with this intense pain??? What do I do??


BS(Me)-39
WH-39
Married 13 yrs, Together 19 yrs
4 kids under 8
2 yr LTA
DDay- Oct.29, 2013

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, February 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You take a deep breath. And then another. And then another. It hurts. I know the pain and it's so awful. But you WILL be ok. You ARE strong. We're here for you.
((hugs))


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 909 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
morethantrying
♀ Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, February 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, it hurts so much. It is true what he says...he did not do it to you, he does love you...those things are also true.

My husband also said he did not stop loving me either. It is hard for us to think this, and it takes quite a while to come around to the perspective that YOU had NOTHING to do with his BAD ACTIONS...This is the perspective we have to hold on to and frame it in this way. The fame is not one of he stopped loving you...it had nothing to do with YOU at all...the frame is that is had something to do with him...his faulty thinking and impulsive actions (even more than once).

I know it hurts and it will for a while until you can internalize that it is not about you. It took me a looooog time and I STILL after one year, struggle with this. But as we talked, I believed him, and we can to a clearer understanding of HIM.
This is hard to do when you are hurting, so little by little....yes it takes time, but we are here..


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 283 | Registered: Sep 2013
catatonic
Member
Member # 40758
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't if the whys are ever answered.
I am only a little farther out then you, and I struggle with both if those questions also.
I like your comparison to the " loyal dog" that's the best way I could describe it for myself.
Unfortunately, though hard to swallow, NO, we are never considered. It is a selfish, self fulfilling act. I do realize now that nothing that I could of done would have changed his decision to have and continue the A. They don't think they will get caught.

I also still get the " I never stopped loving you"
And it is very hard for me to understand this. And for me to realize that at some point in our marriage that my husband did not love me, and was able to risk our marriage. I only hope that my WH can admit that he actually did not live me. Figure out his whys.
Please focus on you and your kids. I hope that your WH is now stepping forward to help you with your kids. So you have some time to focus on yourself. I would make that a requirement for R.
My kids are all Tweens now. But I once had 5 under 7. It's hard enough without added stress. My WH did step up and. Put in extra effort with the kids. I was nit emotionally there those first months.
Give yourself a lot of respect. You were a great mother during those A years. Your were trustworthy and there for your family. He was broken.
Take day by day. Put yourself first now.
Lots of strength fir you. And you will get lots if support here.


Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:00 AM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, I think a good part of your problem is that you look on yourself as a pathetic, loyal dog.

This is a struggle every BS who wants to R has to go through, because the outside world tells us to split if our partner cheats.

The fact is: being loving and loyal are 2 very positive qualities that say something very good about you.

The fact is: you have a free choice, to R or to D. That power is yours, and you have every right to choose the option you want to choose.

The fact is: you can almost definitely make a good life for yourself without your WS.

If your H is committed to becoming a great partner and you want to R, that's a great choice. One key is that he sees you as an independent human being deserving to be loved.

The way out of beating yourself up because you're just a dog is to keep reminding yourself pretty much the same thing - you're a loving, lovable, capable human being.

Easier said than done at first, I know, but it's the best - probably the only - way.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Bloozle
♂ New Member
Member # 42442
Default  Posted: 4:51 AM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I finally got the courage and sense to kick my wife out, conveniently her affair had been turning sour and she begged to stay. Now I feel like I could just be second choice and I question the choice to reconcile every day. I wish with all my might that I could go back and kick her out the second I found out. How foolish I feel now :( Thanks again for your consideration, so called "wife".

Posts: 20 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Near Louisville
Zengirl
♀ Member
Member # 42195
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sisoon, love your post. I feel like I need to print it out and hang it on the fridge. I don't know why this perspective is so hard to keep firmly lodged in my mind without a constant reminder.


Me (BW): 40
Married: 15 years
3 kids
D-Day: 10/13

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2014
ncharge
♀ Member
Member # 42365
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am having exactly the same issues. My H said he knew what he was doing was wrong. He says he never stopped loving me. But, like you, he didn't come back until she started being a bitch. I finally let loose yesterday, crying and asking him how he could treat me this way. The crying jag helped a lot. Especially since he sat and took it. He knew he deserved it. I think finally expressing all that pain, in a very emotional way (I usually go into intellectual mode with problems) was the best thing I could have done.

It does get better. The pain does decrease.


Posts: 93 | Registered: Feb 2014
Howie
♂ Member
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have the same two questions,identical. I think many of the betrayed do. I do not excuse the perps. I will only say these are very rational/emotional questions . The perps may not be(always) thinking in those terms.
They certainly at some point act on that basis ( you are cheap and worth the risk) but,I do think,pretty soon they are wrapped up in the script/drama of betrayal. As my wife said 'I never wanted to lose you --- I figured I could get away with it." True? who knows.
question 2. The come back (if not discovered) when they want.)Affairs are often fun.Its a drug. It is not absolutely contradictory (in my view, I know others will disagree)that, given the complexity of human relations, the betraying partner might still honestly feel or think he feels, love for you. Maybe that is part of their selfish fantasy. They can/have do it all.I know they do intensely compartmentalize--
"This is NOT hurting my family."
I feel that betrayal is absolutely wrong is one of the few really simple features of the act.Why why? and I have asked myself that a million times,
is often not.
I am very sorry this happened to you.The pain declines intime; life is good.

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jan 2014
eachdayisvictory
♀ Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt like nothing for so long. That's what kept running through my mind - that I was nothing.

It was horrible. No matter what anyone said, I needed to feel like that for a while. So please, know that it is very VERY normal for you to feel pathetic and like nothing, but understand that it is just a FEELING and absolutely NOT the truth. It also helped me a lot to say out loud to myself that I would not always feel like this (and I can report that it is 100% true), and work really hard to remember times in my life that felt good, easy, safe. It sounds silly and obvious, but after the trauma of an affair you have to constantly work to accomplish things that came without effort before.

You are an amazing person. You are loyal, loving, generous and beautiful. Do whatever you need to do to remind yourself of that as often as possible right now. Try to take a few days and put all of your mental efforts into this instead of wondering how it happened. I found that I could return to my questions and conversations when I felt safer and more secure.

Hugs


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 378 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
KatyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41245
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate to these topics. Especially feeling so taken advantage of - the loyalty also begins to feel like a curse, or at least foolhardy. The other one I struggle with is shame. Even though I didn't do these things, I feel like there were people, maybe many more than I knew, who knew what he was like, and then knew I either didn't know, or knew that I stayed with him after. And what does are those people saying about me? What does that say about what I'm willing to put up with? This is the negative side.

On the positive, I feel like I am a trustworthy, caring, compassionate human being, who didn't do anything to deserve this. The shame and blame belong on him for treating me so badly.


Married 7 years, together for 14
Me: BS Him: chronic boundary issues, EA for 2 years, DD Spring 2013

Posts: 190 | Registered: Nov 2013
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since this is Recon, I hope you do not mind a WS posting.

I wasn't even a consideration in his decision-making process. WHY????

Because most people do destructive behaviors to cope with something. His demons have nothing to do with you. If he were an alcoholic, people would understand better that his drinking is not directed at you. An affair is much the same way.

It feels like he looked on me as his loyal, pathetic dog.

Is this your feeling or something he has said? Because you need to understand and internalize that the gift of reconciliation is yours, and only yours, to give. You are giving him an amazing chance to make amends. Let him do so. And if he is not worthy of your gift, then that is his loss.

seeing my IC is difficult due to a lack of childcare.

As for this, find a time when your H can be home with the kids so that you can go. It is healthy for him to be with the kids while you do something for yourself - whether that is IC or reading at the coffee shop.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6092 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
joannie
♀ Member
Member # 42486
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi am new to this. My husband had an affair with a woman up the road and it has been over for 5 months. She passes here to go to work..to go home and to the shops..How do you cope with this, how do you cope that he says they still speak but there is nothing to worry about. I drive him crazy asking to be reassured about the future and have to stop this, but how do you all manage this. Things hurt and why do they have to remain friends, why ?
Pain for this is so intense I as yet do not have any answers, maybe we can all help each other, i hope so. We have been married 34 years and are staying together. Know how you feel, do not always get the replies I need too. Help ...


me BS 56yr
Him WS 55yr
Married 34 years 2 sons 4 grandchildren

Posts: 126 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: France
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((joannie)))

Welcome, to the best club you never wanted to join... you will find this site a wealth of infomation and comfort.

You may want to start a thread in the Just Found Out forum as you'll probably get more responses.

Try reading in the Healing Library (you'll find that in yellow box in the top left corner of the screen)

Here's a link...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq.asp


Given that the majority of posters here are in North America you may sometimes have a delay in getting responses due to the time difference but stick around, they'll chime in.

We're here for you♥


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
Latest TT... Nov '13 (not a typo!)


One man’s “fruitless conflict” is another man’s “meaningful discussion”


Posts: 475 | Registered: Mar 2011
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with your questions completely. I have had the same. I have come to some sort of peace with it (not completely) when I realized that the problems WS has were hers. She created the situation that led to actions in which she only thought of herself. I wasn't a consideration because of what she thought of herself and what she created with regard to her role in our relationship. There was nothing I could have done to stop it from happening. It was her choice and her choice alone. I chose to love and trust. She made me feel secure and then made a selfish decision that had nothing to do with me. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it makes us feel inadequate. But there are so many things that go into a person's decision to cheat, as a BS we need to realize that we are low on that list (even if they use us as justification or initially blame us when they get caught). We did not cause it and we couldn't have stopped it...because it had nothing to do with us. And he only stopped seeing her when he was done with her for the same reason. It had nothing to do with you. He was done filling the hole he had in himself that had nothing to do with you. Then he quit her. We want to believe that their love for us snapped them out of it, or would have protected our relationship from being where it currently is or was, but that's just not the reality. I know my WS loves me. I know she loved me the whole time. In her messed up mind, with what was broken inside of her, she strayed for reasons that are solely her responsibility. I don't know if that helps you, I hope it does because it helped me.


WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 563 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My (fW)H said something to me today which resonated when I asked him a question about what he was thinking. Usually he goes into this "I wasn't thinking" bit, which is true, but not overly helpful as I imagine him swept up on a wave of emotion (for someone else!) for 2 months. That hurts. And then he said, "it is really more like being mentally ill."

And you know, he is right. That is the quality of the love and thought that goes into affairs -- it is like an addiction or mental illness; not something to be jealous of. I am furious at him for getting in that situation, and impossibly hurt. But, every day I see more clearly what it was actually like when compared to real love.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1888 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
flayed
♀ Member
Member # 41875
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies and support! Sorry I haven't been able to respond sooner.

Catatonic - I am a control freak. I find it impossible to accept the fact that there is nothing that I could have done to stop him from having or continuing the A. It means that I also have to accept that there is nothing I can do to prevent him from having another A or resuming this one. Logically it makes sense, but I JUST CANNOT ACCEPT IT It is tearing me up all over again and I can barely keep my head above water right now.

I hope that your WH is now stepping forward to help you with your kids.

My husband has stepped up and become a great help with the kids. I think guilt over all the time lost with them during the A is driving that. Plus he sees it as a concrete way of helping me. Harder to help me emotionally.

Sisoon -

Gently, I think a good part of your problem is that you look on yourself as a pathetic, loyal dog.
This is a struggle every BS who wants to R has to go through, because the outside world tells us to split if our partner cheats.

The fact is: being loving and loyal are 2 very positive qualities that say something very good about you.

My friends have always told me that I am the most loyal person that they have ever met. My MC thinks it stems from FOO issues....I am loyal even when it is not deserved.

I know I would be just fine without my husband because I am extremely independent, but I don't want to. I will only leave as a last resort after I have exhausted all other possibilities for healing and R. Or if he cheats again.

eachdayisvictory - I do feel like nothing, even though I know I am not. I know people love me and cherish me, why couldn't it have been my husband????

Unexpectedsong -

you need to understand and internalize that the gift of reconciliation is yours, and only yours, to give. You are giving him an amazing chance to make amends.

I am not sure that he sees it as the tremendous gift that it is. It seems as though he is taking it for granted because he is not seizing the opportunity, he is not giving it 100%. It feels like he is giving it 50% and hoping it is enough. But our perspectives seem to differ on that.

peoplepleaser - your reply resonated so strongly with me that I will be printing it out and posting it somewhere where I can look at it regularly. Thank you.

bionicgal -

And then he said, "it is really more like being mentally ill."
And you know, he is right. That is the quality of the love and thought that goes into affairs -- it is like an addiction or mental illness

I do think of it as an addiction for him - an addiction to the ego-stroking, an addiction to the fantasy, an addiction to the sex, possibly to her, an addiction to the wrongness of it, or all of the above and more. I just don't know what to do about it now and in the future.


BS(Me)-39
WH-39
Married 13 yrs, Together 19 yrs
4 kids under 8
2 yr LTA
DDay- Oct.29, 2013

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you might help your IC process if you print this thread off and show it to your IC.

Gently, I think you'll need to change some things about yourself to heal, IMO.

I find it impossible to accept the fact that there is nothing that I could have done to stop him from having or continuing the A....

Here's the thing - you can't control anybody but yourself. That's part of life, and it works OK. Really.

....I am loyal even when it is not deserved.

Loyal is good. 'Too loyal' is hurting yourself. That doesn't help anyone. It's OK to be loyal only when it's warranted. If someone trashed what you've given, you don't have to give more so it can be trashed again.

I am not sure that he sees it as the tremendous gift that it is.

US said "you need to understand and internalize that the gift of reconciliation is yours, and only yours, to give." You - not your H.

It's OK and necessary to own your power and autonomy and to recognize other people's autonomy. I think that may be a crucial part of healing.

[This message edited by sisoon at 5:05 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
flayed
♀ Member
Member # 41875
Sad  Posted: 5:07 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sisoon - Thank you. I do intend to bring these things up in IC (in 2 weeks unfortunately). I don't feel powerful though...I think I am very weak when it comes to drawing lines in the sand. I need help. I know this. I am aware I am behaving like a doormat and I hope the IC can help me.


BS(Me)-39
WH-39
Married 13 yrs, Together 19 yrs
4 kids under 8
2 yr LTA
DDay- Oct.29, 2013

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 19

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