I'm already there with my D and I understand the anger you are feeling and wanting to go this route as well. But even I am going to tell you that you should do this one step at a time. Channel your anger to motivation in finding the OMW. Follow the suggestions by the posters in your thread on how to find the OM's info. Something about this guy going through multiple burner phones tells me that this dude is some major con artist. Save your WW from that situation at the very least, then let her dig her way out of the hole she got herself into. You should hold off any contemplation of R or D until you blow the lid off the whole thing THE PROPER WAY. After which, you have every right to consider your future path, and you will be doing so with information and action from your WW that is not influenced by this dirt bag OM.
Right now, you are so much into your own WS fog that you can't properly evaluate your M to know if it is worth carrying forward into the future or not.
The way I found the OM address was I think committing fraud. I think today, you can get into a lot more trouble than even several years ago.
I called the company I knew he worked at and said I was with the health insurance company and we need OM Name home address. And I got it.
But in your case, the OM doesnt even work at the same job. Calling as a new employer calling about a reference could work also. But they wont give out a home address.
In my case, I am not even sure I got the correct home address anyway. The OM in my life had just divorced for the third time and was living with family. But I later found out the address he gave was fake and a block away.
If your OM is running and or hiding from creditors, you might not find him until you confront your wife calmly and she tells you.
Rocket's dday was about 3 weeks ago. That is an awfully long time be doing investigative work. If you step back it is important to remember that he probably works, is trying to deal with children, and - don't forget - his wife is in the house. Not so easy to slip off onto a computer and do background work without her asking, "Whatcha doin' in there?" And all this time - he still has to live with her and act like nothing is wrong... not so easy for many of us.
Sometimes all it takes to uncover evidence is a bit of hard work. But sometimes, you know what? It's just not that easy. Sometimes you're just not going to find what you're looking for.
There comes a time when you need to stop the crazy train that is your life and put an end to it. This is regardless of whether you've done things "by the book" or, certainly, the way that WE'D like it to be done. There's no question that finding out, and telling, the OM's wife is preferable - it's the right thing to do, we'd all agree. But guess what? Sometimes it just can't be done.
It's ok to do things in a different manner. If the AP can't be found - so be it. The only thing Rocket is accountable for is himself and his children. While it is nice to go through the entire process of finding out, alerting the OM's wife and whatnot - those are really ancillary to the big picture of saving himself, his kids, and, possibly, his marriage.
My recommendation? Stop the craziness. Sit her down and make immediate, firm demands that give her no wiggle room. Blow it out of the water by confronting aggressively and when she's not expecting it. Write down a list of what you require - immediately - and that may very well include the name, address, etc. of his wife. It's your life and it's your call.
Just my thoughts...
ETA: hate spelling/context errors :(
[This message edited by LifeisCrazy at 12:06 PM, March 3rd (Monday)]
You can still inform OM's wife after you confront but it is time to stop letting the affair continue while you search for losers address
Stop the craziness. Sit her down and make immediate, firm demands that give her no wiggle room.
Just stay calm. Your wife will not just come out of the fog and start talking rationally. That takes time. Truth can take time.
Just dont let excuses, lies, rewriting history or blame shifting by her get to you.
If you think its going to take too long to find out identity of OMW, then go ahead and confront now.
Force WW to give you complete identity of OM and his address at the moment of confront. This is the most likely time you will get truth from her. She will then try to deny and then go underground with OM. Be ready for anything. Keep a VAR on you during the confront. If she spills the details on OMW, then immediately expose any evidence you have with OMW.
Let us know what happens
I have always considered myself a strong man. I can take alot both physically and mentally. Today is the day that this has taken me to my knees. I'm sure it's part of the process. I know I will stand up and be strong again, I have no choice. I will move on.
Just know that the pain of all of this will lessen with time. Sometimes you just gotta feel it so that you can let it go.
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
You have still not done what you said in your FIRST POST.
"Get your ducks in a row"
You have not done that.
IF you confront now, before doing that...oy vey brother.
One thing is missing from your posts. It's the thing I and many many others have recommended to you.
SEE AN ATTORNEY BEFORE CONFRONTING.
you have not done that>>>>therefore, your ducks are NOT in a row.
Why are you holding off on that?
I am with jjct and his recommendation. You must protect yourself. Be prepared the day you confront by transfering the money you need to protect yourself. At the very least, make sure your assets cannot be stolen.
When a person is living in evil, they are not thinking fairly.
It sound like you cannot live married with what your wife has done. Rightly justified. It is OK to move on in life. It will only be temporary pain. I know you are a stong man and will handle this in the highest of integraty. Stay away from OM. He is not worthy to even speak to a high quality man, YOU. In time, you will likely know the OM's W and maybe she already knows too.
I think to be at a great peace, you move on. Protect yourself and your son.
If it were me, When you do expose, you asked your wife to move out. She might. Say you will make arrangement to protect your son from her bad behavoirs. You don't want your child to grow up with values of hiding. All she needed to do was come tell you she wanted another man. You could have taken it. That kind of comment will make her react, maybe to look hard at herself and her evil.
I do wish you courage. The fear inside you must be horrendous. Courage will always beat fear. Courage is having all lined up to confront and do it.
I will say this, when you do expose, your W might find you most attractive. Be careful and take it very slow. It is best you go get help and an individual counselor.
Because your wife may come to you because you are strong. If she does, you take it slow to make sure she will want a more loving, caring, giving and intimate marriage. You can have much happiness continuing your Marriage. I have it. You can asked her to now start to be most open to you and some things she will need to tell you will be most uncomfortable for her. Like, the name of this man and his wife’s name. In time, you might want to listen carefully the reason she could not be so open. In time, you work to change you. In time, you will see if she is able to be Open.
And it is very likely you were very quality to begin with and she lost her way. If that is the case, and if you had enough, you cannot get to what you both once had, you change and begin a new more happy life.
You have no clue nor can know if she will hide more. Let her hide. Her choice. A quality man does not allow a woman who hides a part of his life. He make this woman no longer part of his everyday world. A marriage is supposed to be most open. If you accept living in hiding, limbo, misery will continue. You be quality and stay quality. Move forward and put all this behind you. Soon it will only be a blip in your life.
[This message edited by trynhard at 9:38 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)]
Separation for a period of time is not necessarily a bad thing.
[This message edited by twisted at 10:22 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)]
My wife woke up.. she had her awakening. In my case, she told me a HUGE weight was lifted. The guilt does wear on a person. No matter what direction she chooses.
My wife is walking around with an attitude like she's in control since I falsely told her I wanted our marriage to work out a couple weeks ago. Haven't spoke about it since and I won't. Now we barely talk. I can't stand to listen to daily babble when I know what she's doing behind my back. Just want to find omw and then I'm ready to confront. In going to have divorce papers drawn up do I have copy to give her so she knows I'm not fucking around. She has the balls to tell me she's in limbo. Not in my house.
My wife is walking around with an attitude like she's in control since
She is not normal at this time and you need to realize this. You NEED to stop paying attention to what she says and how she acts at this time. The only important things she says are after you tell her you know of the affair.
I am surprised you have not confronted her yet. I am surprised you have not put a gps tracker in her car. If you did that, there is a good chance the gps info would lead you right to the OM house. And then you could finally find the OMW.
To be honest, in all my years on and off reading on here and living this hell. I have never seen anyone let an affair go on so long before confronting.
As far as "letting" the affair go on for this long, I don't really care. I wanted to get my info together before dday. And there were days i was probably in denial. I mean what's the difference, it's been going on since 2012 anyway. If I never would have found out it would still be going on anyway. And, it's not like I even care if he's still nailing her because she's not the wife that I used to love anyway. Plus, I know for sure they haven't been together physically since I found out 3 weeks ago. She hasn't had time. She leaves same time everyday and is home everyday same time. I use an excuse to call her right before she leaves work to check. I guess she could leave working during the day and screw him but I don't have the energy to track her down everywhere. That's why I'm really leaning toward divorce. I don't think it's fair to me to have to always wonder where she is, track her, babysit her etc on top of running my business, coaching my sons teams and raising him etc. What kind of life is that for me? I'm the most unselfish person you'll ever meet and I'm living with the most narcisstic person ever. Not a good match. I'll never trust her and will only cause more stress on myself. If she was an awesome mother I could justify it at least She does only the bare minimum. Screw that.
Also, I understand I probably should have done a few things differently already. Obviously I've never been in this type of situation before. There are a lot of different voices in my head.
You da man rocket, you da man.
It is far more destructive than many so-called crimes that remain on the books.