When I do confront I will not shed a tear. She will know I am not fucking around and will not even recognize who she's dealing with. I told her a long time ago that I can take a lot and hold a lot it, but one day someone is going to cross me one too many times and look out. Little did I know it was going to be with her. I'm not talking physical confrontation either. That's one of the reasons I'm going to lawyer tomorrow. I want papers drawn up. I'm just going to confront her and dropped the papers on her. Very business like. . I'm not going to give her all my info either. I want cards to play as the whole thing plays put over time. Every time she thinks I don't have any more I want to hit her with something else.
She's made the decision, not me. These are the consequences. It may even be what she wants. I hope so. It will make it easier.
One piece of advice. Have a voice activated recorder with you. She is not going to be appreciative of the gift you are about to give her. Please be alert for a charge of domestic violence! Even innocent, there's hell to pay initially. With the VAR, she will be setting herself up.
I'm glad you're seeing the lawyer. Get everything ready for the confront this weekend. Things can get hectic, so make everything ready.
Get some cash and store it safely in case she decides to empty the joint banking accounts. Store your credit cards in a safe place. Get your son's passport and store it away.
On confront day, as soon as she spills the beans, go ahead and expose right away, without warning. Get some luggage packed for her and tell her she either stops contact with OM or she needs to leave the house.
MOST IMPORTANT: STAY STRONG!!!! Don't breakdown in front of her. No tears, no whining, no begging, no pleading. Show cold indifference to her. If she senses even for a second that you are weak, she will continue to walk over you.
We are here for you brother. Keep posting and let us know how it goes.
I'd never have spent the money on a wedding dress if I knew I was just going to a costume party.
We are all pulling for you. I second the VAR at confrontation though. You absolutely have to protect yourself. Remember this person is not who you believed her to be, she could do anything, she is not predictable.
I have some thoughts about d day. I've read everyone's posts. Doesn't it make me look weak if I even ask for explanation? Or demand she give me OM info? That would infer to her that I'm open, or hoping, to reconcile. I don't think she should pick up on that at first. Then she's just going to tell me what I want to hear. She's going to know she can get back in. Screw that. I guess I need to figure out if I'm even interested in reconciling or hearing what she has to say first.
I'm thinking I'm going to just put a copy of the phone bill and a picture of him on the table and ask her if she's knows anything about this ? Im not playing my big cards first. If she lies or babbles, I set down divorce papers and tell her she decided this the first time he put his dick in her. I'm just following through and I'm done being her safety net. That's it. No big confrontation. She will probably run. She knows where to find me.
Am I wrong or what ?
Then the "we were just friends" crap. And then when I told her I knew more, she become more defensive, which is a sign of lies and complete embarrassment, which is what you might get in the first 10 minutes. So you might expect it and disregard it.
Affairs are a complete fantasy fairy tale world, and that is why your wife has been walking around with a chip on her shoulder. And you are about to knock it off. And that is going to shock the stuff out of her and her world.
Forget about they whys at this time, usually the whys are the hardest answers to get and usually the WS doesn't even know why they did it.
Just the facts is what usually works at this time. What you should ask mostly are just questions to where only black and white facts are the answer. Emotional type questions like the why did you, usually take some time to get to.
Many months later, my WW confided in me that she admired that I stood my ground on confront day. The strength and resolve that I showed was impressive to her. The fact that I was fighting for her and the marriage later made her feel like she made the right decision to R. WW also told me that the fact that I was already 10 steps ahead of her on D-day made her completely cringe in fear of what I could do next. She was shit-scared no doubt.
This all boils down to a simple decision by you: whether or not YOU WANT TO R. This is highly dependent upon how she answers the questions in the first few moments after confront starts. If she starts to deny, gaslight or make excuses, simply hold your palm out and say "STOP IT. I know the truth. I know more than you think I know. Start telling me the truth or its all over." Keep repeating this line over and over, until you can say it with a sense of coldness.
Your WW will definitely freak on confront day. I suggest that you type out all of your questions on a piece of paper and hit her with the questions immediately after confront. Try to limit the questions to no more than 5. (Top on my list would be name, address and contact details for OMW). If she balks or refuses to answer, then here are some supplemental things to do:
1) Practice the line above with the extended palm
2) Get D papers ready and show it to her. Tell her that the attorney is ready to file them as soon as the county clerk's office is open.
3) Have some of your friends/family that you exposed to start calling her during the first 30-60 mins of the confront. Have them call and urge her to return to the marriage.
4) Get a suitcase ready and fill it with her clothes and leave it out on the front porch
5) Get her credit cards and start cutting them up in front of her
6) Get your wedding ring and start pounding it with a hammer. Next ask for her ring so that you can pound it and then sell it.
Hope all goes well
Then I stayed REALLY strong. About a month later he said he was thinking about coming back home. (I later found out OW had dumped him). I told him ONLY with counseling. Period. He would have had to go for 6 months and own his own shit before he could come back.
Keeping his family together wasn't worth it, and my children and I are much better off without a false recovery.
Most all of us on this site are the "nice" ones in the marriages. The WS have crossed the line of respect over and over in our marriages. Standing up for ourselves is the perfect way to handle this.
me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
You paint a picture of a woman that is using you as her meal ticket. Do you know if she is providing for him?
You really should find a way to follow her. I know you don't care about catching them in the act. Don't...just follow him afterward to see where he works and lives.
Most people confront because they want verification of what they suspect. Your wife already knows the truth and so do you. All you really need to do is to file for divorce. If she wants that, then you are ahead of the game and it will be over the sooner for it. If she doesn't want to divorce, you will be in a position to demand answers from her.
The only reason for outing the "lovebirds" to the OM's wife is to break up the affair. And it may not even do that. If you are set on divorce you do NOT need to talk to her at all.
If you want to reconcile, you understand that it takes two of you to do that. Right now that doesn't seem to be happening. Filing for divorce will force her to make up her mind about it. You can always cancel the divorce proceedings if you choose to.
Filing for divorce isn't always the right thing to do, but in your situation it seems to be a win for you either way. Just remember, you do NOT have to confront her with your evidence. Keep it to yourself. Just let her know that you do in fact have evidence. Confrontation will only lead to more "gaslighting". Divorce papers can't be argued with or rugswept. She may try to put the blame on you -- all you have to do is to tell her that you both know the truth and the time for fog is over.
Just my two cents.
[This message edited by sidney2718 at 3:42 PM, March 7th (Friday)]