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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I found out!
realitybites
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Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A BS'S greatest fear is that the WS will leave them, but she already has, that is what is so hard for us to wrap our head around. If you tell his wife and your WS leaves you well quite frankly she was going to leave anyway....again, not your fault if she already has her own ducks in a row and is just waiting for the right time to go.

But from what you have said here I don't think that is the case, the OM is very comfy in his own marriage so you telling his wife will be in your favor as it not only will have the OM throwing your wife under the bus but it will now have a second set of eyes and ears on their dirty little secret. Like cockroaches when the light gets turned on you will watch them scatter.

Don't tell your wife or the OM that you are doing this....your very best bet is to find a way to the OM's BS and get the info to her. It is very hard, we know. Trust us on here...your marriage already has a 3rd person in it...you need to implode him out of your life.


Posts: 5642 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
tushnurse
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Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, and know that you are not alone, and that we all offer very sound advice.

On that note, do NOT start moving money, or more than half of it, prior to contacting an attorney. In fact I would encourage you to hold off on confrontation with her, until you have had a chance to see an attorney and take any necessary steps to get yourself and your son protected.

You have every right to be mad. Use that to your advantage. Anger can allow you to be much more productive than, pure grief. The fact that your M has been bad for a while indicates that she has probably been up to no good for an extended period of time, even longer than the year you have proof of.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8420 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Hoping2survive
♀ New Member
Member # 32402
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I completely understand your fear of her leaving you if you tell the BS of the OM. But, in reality, it probably won't happen . He'll be so focused on cleaning up the mess he's made with his own BS that he won't have time for your WW. And he may find himself on a very short leash!

It is always best to tell the other BS, if there is one - after you get all your ducks in a row.

And I must compliment you on keeping your head together as much as you have! You are so much stronger than you probably realize. One foot In front of the other . . .


D-Day - 4/2011
Married 20 years
DD18, DD15,DS13
Been trying to R - growing weary
In limbo, thinking about LS or D

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jun 2011
Rocket999
♂ New Member
Member # 42483
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anybody ended up sticking together through this? I can't see it happening.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Feb 2014
LifeisCrazy
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Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What incredible advice you have received. This thread should be an essential read for any BS.

It is said often here that the worse thing with infidelity is not losing your wife, it's keeping your wife but having her continue with the affair. As many here will attest, take that to heart.

My only recommendation, and the pitfall where so many of us go wrong, is to be strong in your demands and in your resolve. We all want so badly to have our spouses "come back" but don't realize that they're already gone. If they are going to return to reconcile then it has to be on them, 100%, with complete remorse and action.

The only way to get this decision made is to be firm. To issue a list of demands that are absolutely without negotiation. Anything less than complete approval is to be met swiftly and decisively.

Yes, it's possible that she may not agree and may have the axe fall upon her. But any decision - one way or the other - is far better than no decision. And she can always change her mind, if, in fact, you decide to allow her to do so.

Lastly, as realitybites notes, chances are he isn't leaving his wife for her. That rarely happens. It sucks to here but for guys the AP is typically little more than a piece of ass on the side - no matter what rainbows and unicorns she thinks it is.

Good luck to you. I know how much this hurts.


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 158 | Registered: Jan 2013
LifeisCrazy
♂ Member
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And, yes, my wife had a very serious, very ugly, very long term affair.

We're together and very happy.

PM me if you want to chat.


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 158 | Registered: Jan 2013
Gman1
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Member # 40879
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rocket,
Affairs are dirty little secrets held between two morally corrupt individuals. They thrive on secrecy which, to them, makes it more exciting and there is a certain "thrill" about doing something they know is wrong and yet is almost like an addiction. When the A is exposed to the light of day, the secrecy is gone and the fantasy-world is done and they must face the harsh reality. It is a true reality check. They thought this was their little secret and nobody would ever find out. But once the secret is out it will force their hand and many times the AP's will turn on each other thus snuffing out the A. I personally would not stop at telling the OM's wife. I would not hesitate to contact the OM's boss, his relatives and friends (if you could find these people out). I would also tell your wife's family members including any of her brothers or sisters and her parents. Exposing an affair is the single best weapon you have. Remember, it is not your secret.

[This message edited by Gman1 at 1:24 PM, February 17th (Monday)]


Posts: 219 | Registered: Oct 2013
Rocket999
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Member # 42483
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To top it all off my 8 year old son broke his arm the day after I found out. Needless to say its been the week from hell. Poor kid.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Feb 2014
Long Gone
♂ Member
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes.....to answer your question.

my fww.....and hundreds of other BHs here went throught he same thing....the APs BW didnt know for about 10 days after our DDay and it was the worst fucking 10 days of my life. The fantasy still was present.....she even tried contacting him with a new hidden email with the acronym of their names and a "happy ending"......when the wife found out....BOOOOOM....it was like the entire world fell out. the fog lifted....and the game was over......

I am still pissed 3 years later


D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 767 | Registered: Jun 2011
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Excellent advice from Bigger and everyone else. The only thing I could add is when you confront your WW keep your temper in check. No abusive insults, yelling and screaming. When you lose your cool and display hostility the WS just uses that to mask the guilt and the real issues don't get discussed.

Keep calm, don't beg and plead, but adopt a hard line; including the threat of divorce and full disclosure to family.



Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
happyman64
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Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rocket

You are getting great advice so far.

I am a big fan of shock and awe.

1. See an attorney and know your rights.
2. When you expose to the OMW is the day you confront your WW. You can do it at counseling but if you really want to send a wakeup message have her served divorce papers at work.

3. That same day you have her served is when you expose her year long affair to her family and her close friends. But you send the email to them asking them for their support to help support your marriage.

4. Will your wife be angry? Hell yeah. Will she start to wakeup? hell yeah. Will the OM dump her and try to save his own skin? Hell yeah.

The question will be if your wife is willing to to stop her affair and actually work on the marriage.

The other question is if you will someday forgive her and still want to be married to her.

Get your ducks in a row. Use the advice that works for you.

But don't be too nice. She will see that as a sign of weakness and use that weakness to continue to screw you over like she has been doing for a year or more.

HM


Posts: 849 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
wert
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Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My only recommendation, and the pitfall where so many of us go wrong, is to be strong in your demands and in your resolve. We all want so badly to have our spouses "come back" but don't realize that they're already gone. If they are going to return to reconcile then it has to be on them, 100%, with complete remorse and action.

Rocket -

I think this advice is spot on, however I would place a caveat on it. When I found out about my W cheating I did not want to lose my family, but I could give a shit about losing my WW. To very different things in my book. It's OK to be angry (in fact I think a great thing) because who wouldn't stop loving their spouse after finding out.

That all said, remember very few things are forever, especially all the feelings that this crap stirs up.

I guess what I am getting at is I think its normal to not like her or even love her anymore. That does not mean that after a while it won't come back, especially if she takes responsibility for her actions and gets her shit straight. IMO she needs to work at earning your love back. Anything else would have fallen short for me and I would have file for D.

Has anybody ended up sticking together through this? I can't see it happening.

Yep. A few years out and we are still together. A few things about that.

-IMO, think the other direction first. Get you strong and make sure she knows you ready to walk.

-She has a lot of growing up to do I suspect. In general people who have A's are pretty messed up in the head IMO. They did not get like that in the last few months...they have had poor coping skills most of their lives...it takes a long time for them to break them and leave differently. Some can't. Some really to a great job of it and become cool people. Anything is possible, but play the odds. If she is not towing the line, taking responsibility for her actions, doing what you ask, etc, cut her loose or be ready too...

take are...

take care...

[This message edited by wert at 3:31 PM, February 17th (Monday)]



Posts: 1427 | Registered: Jan 2012
trynhard
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Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anybody ended up sticking together through this? I can't see it happening.
I could also reiterate what a lot of people here wrote. Good advice in general.

I thought I might give you an example of what a woman will do if she wants your marriage. Six month time frame.


Did she want the marriage?
I will advise you if anything but a yes (No maybe's by her), it’s best just to go ahead and not waste any time. Go get a lawyer. I would do nothing to try and attract her back.

Will she know what to do? I doubt it. I said, "No contact."
My wife quit her job; immediately.
My wife started to be very transparent.. Immediately.

My wife decided on her own to seek IC. She didn’t go for long because she felt like the IC was trying to talk her out of Marriage. I know he was just trying to get her to make a decision because she had disqualified me long before her affair even began. She was still unsure if I could be the husband she needed.

My wife volunteered going to Retrouvaille. We went.
My wife gave me three very deep emotional heartfelt apologies.
My wife did not run away when my anger grew to levels she had never seen. In other words, She was able to handle my pain.
My wife decided to get on AD.
My wife read some books on what love is about, on her own.
My Wife told me reasons, but never placed the blame on me, it was all on her. I listend to the reason not in terms of excuses.
My wife turned toward friends of our marriage.
My wife eliminated her best friend at the time. A woman who also thought following feelings in secrete is the best way.
My wife did not get defensive when I exposed to the OM’s W. She felt it was part of the consequences.

I could not trust my wife for a long time. Years. She was consistent in her transparence and understood my needs to ask certain questions.

My advice to you right now is take sex off the table. Fight any neediness to be affirmed in this way. This is not to punish, but leading your wife to a mutually-respectful relationship comes before leading your wife to sex. Sincerely and diligently work at this long enough that you can be sure you both know you've done your best to create a happy, loving relationship with each other. Seek more of what it means to be married and happy.

I wish you well.

[This message edited by trynhard at 3:57 PM, February 17th (Monday)]


Posts: 2674 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
RealityStinks
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Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The question will be if your wife is willing to to stop her affair and actually work on the marriage.

The other question is if you will someday forgive her and still want to be married to her.


Everything about infidelity boils down to those two questions. If the answer and ACTIONS behind the answer to either of those questions is "No", then your marriage is over. You may still be "married", but you no longer have a marriage.

For me, my WW's answer to the first based on her ACTIONS was a loud and clear "NO". So, I filed for D.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
trynhard
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Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RealityStinks

So true.. let her actions speak.


Posts: 2674 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
undonelife
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Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The program "peopleSmart" is very helpful in finding relatives of AP's & getting the BS's name & phone. You have to pay to join but it's worth it. It worked for me. I knew OW's BH within a week.


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 187 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
5454real
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Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey brother, another to give thumbs up to the advice you've already been given.

My 2 cents is to not expect too much too soon. Give yourself some time and space to heal. Read and implement http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11 Focus on you and your son. Get the other BS the info, confront your WW and go dark. Don't feed the monster. Let her show you what she wants. When she speaks, imagine large steaming piles dropping out of her mouth with every word. Watch her actions, don't listen to a thing.

Right now, she doesn't matter, you and your son do.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2792 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Uhtred
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Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've got some solid advice here. I'd take a look on Facebook for the other man and you'll find his wife there too more than likely. Once the other man's wife knows he'll be scrambling his ass off and more than likely drop your wife like a hot potato.

My wife and the other man were in "love " too and he damn for sure didn't come to my house to rescue his "love". I went to his and let his wife know and gave him a new perspective on his outlook on life. He saw it through two swollen eyes. I'm not recommending this but the circumstance were in my favor.

You're number one ally will be the other man's wife. You two will be able to get the stories straight after the lying really gets kicked off after the confrontation. Good luck to you brother and stay well.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 599 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
reallyscrewedup7
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Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rocket

There is a lot of great advice out there. But some of it probably has just been too much. If I may frame it a little differently, it might be of help *might not, but what the heck*

As you are instinctively doing, keeping a calm and rational persona will serve you in the long run. Take action, but do it in a detached and logical fashion.

To that end, seeing a lawyer (or several lawyers), backing up your evidence (store it off site), separating finances, finding the OM's wife and a way to contact her, drafting exposure letters (factual and without recrimination), and preparing for confrontation are all critical steps to your healing. These are actions you can and must take, but really take little focus.

What is going to drain your soul is pulling the triggers on ending her affair with maximum impact. You will doubt yourself. Rationalize the conclusion that this is not really happening. That you should leave it alone. That if you expose, you will lose her.

As many other have told you - life is hell with your wife fucking another man. Without exception, it is better to be free of that than have her and share her without consent.

You need to see an IC and work on your detachment. If you fear the outcome, you are never going to take the actions you need to really heal. I am not saying that to be cruel. I am saying that with my most clinical assessment of infidelity.

If you do not regain your strength, your foundation, your sense of being, you will not be free from infidelity and the misery it brings. Listen to the wise ones that will help you on your journey. Unfound gives an incredible list of dos and don'ts that you should practically memorize. And of course Bigger is an infidelity guru for men.

Blessings to you and may you find the strength you need to begin your healing.

[This message edited by reallyscrewedup7 at 4:38 PM, February 17th (Monday)]


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 899 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
Jduff
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Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, February 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rocket,

Find out how long it takes for the divorce process in your state. If it will take a few months you may want to go ahead and get this process rolling as soon as you can. If things change during this period and if your WW gets her head of of her ass and wakes from the fog, is totally remorseful for what she did and wants to reconcile then you can pull the petition. However, if it gets worse then you'll be glad the time will not have been wasted in filing and you'll already be much closer to the divorce being final.

One of the traps we get into is not setting a firm deadline for moving on or reconciling. Starting the divorce process is one way to enforce it. Also, it will tell your WW you will not be a doormat for her so she better own her shit and do something about it cause the clock is ticking.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 475 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
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