My thoughts. Attitude is everything right now. View this as some temporary pain. Time will go by quickly and months from now you will get your peace back with some good wise decisions.
I don't want to be a pussy about this.
your marriage has been dead
Most all marriages go through some phases. Romance to dislusionment to misery to awakening. Some never make it to awakening. It can be because of you or your spouse.
Your marriage is in misery and one step away from divorce or an awakening.
I suggest you focus on YOU first.
A big question for you to decide.
Do I want this marriage? Can I handle the temporary pain in this phase? Do I want or have the ability to accept my wife had a relationship with another man during our marriage? Can I forgive? Can I change to fix myself to only be in a loving, caring, giving and happy marriage and never again allow myself to be in a "dead" marriage?
If no, it is best to accept my wife's choice of infidelity and her choice was divorce by her own actions.
If yes or even maybe they may I make some suggestions.
The best situation is for your wife to confess. How?
You control your own words and actions. You have the ability to add pressure. YOU already know your wife is in an affair. That is a fact.
This is a suggestion. Lead your wife to think about her behavior.
It starts with a conversation. The words are important. The pressure will be mostly implied.
Now... Rocket, " wife, our marriage has not been in a good place for many months. My feelings tell me there is somthing just not right. Is there anything you need to tell me?"
Then just listen. Nothing more to be said.
Day 3... Rocket," wife, to me, I want more loving, caring, giving and loving marriage. I realize things I may have done in the past may have hurt you. I don't want to be that man forward. We married knowing things might get rough. I had the value and the drive to be a man who can see that treating each other the best possible way, being loving, been caring is the best way, by choice, will bring us closer. Do YOU have the same value?"
Then just listen. Nothing more to be said. During this process do not engage in long deep emotional discussions. Avoid that. Just listen. Move on the conversation should she need to down a path. (critical to express YOUR value)
Day 5-6... Rocket, "Wife, something is not feel right to me. Are you sure you don't have anything you need to tell me?" just listen.
Rocket, "Oh well, with certianty, I am sure I will figure it out."
Do you understand what I am writing to you? You can add a few steps if you wish. and after this, should she not feel enough pressure to confess to you, Is this really the kind of HARD, uncaring woman YOU want to be with? I would go ahead an make plans to move on with your life.
Without warning, you just tell your wife that you know she is an affair. Should she argue or deny, do yourself a favor, she is not worthy of you as a man. You end it because of HER choice, not yours.
She might admit. Then you can tell her you think you have it within you to forgive but she must make the choice, not you. Asked the question, does she want the marriage? If yes, then you both have some work to do. Go get help.
If no or maybe, then I suggest you seek divorce base on her decision and choice, not yours.
If yes, take sex off the table for a few months. Explain to your wife you need to work on YOU and learn how to be far more open, allow her to be most open to you.. In other words, you will need to start slowly building back your trust, addressing your fears, wisely watch her behavoirs and her transparancy, let her make that choice. You work on changing, learning to never again to allow your marriage to fall back into not being more loving, more caring, more giving, etc. And learn how to conflict far more effectivly. When you can do this, you won't get disqualifed unfairly, in secret, because her behavoirs won't be worthy of you before it happens. And if your ego and pride does not stand in the way, you can improve far more things about YOU.
In a short time, you can decided, if and when the OM's wife will know what YOU know. I beleive she should know. There are ways your wife will tell you who this man is and how to contact his wife. And you can always hire a detective or some do more research. But to stand firm once exposed, "Yes wife, the OM's W is going to know one way or another. It is part of the consequence because of my values. And if you cannot handle it, honey I will understand and you can make whatever choices you need to make. This is not about punishment, it is about fairness to another human." You can think about what I just said.
You had a bankruptcy and I am sure you learned. You can and will learn from this part of your life too. These things can make us far better or far worse, your choice.
I will tell you, in 3-5 years, you will be in a far different place. With or without you wife. These next 3-6 months are going to be filled with emotions and will be hard. In a year or so, it will gel a little better. In 3-5 years even better.. and if you change, your wife changes, you both can and will be a peace.
Remember, thoughts come before feelings. Work hard on those thoughts so your feelings will follow.
Peace be with you.