As a person who really struggled with real temptation of committing a RA I wanted to add my motivations for this.
I get your desire to have your husband feel your pain..that was a part of my motivation.
But a stronger motivation for me was that I wanted to simply go .......escape. Not at all the sexual fantasies of my youth, those childish sexual fantasies I still had floating around in my head as an adult.....this was REAL URGES with REAL PEOPLE with REAL FACES.
I used porn pre-A...wife did with me, we used it by ourselves. I am now 12 months porn free. I thought it normal. I thought all men did it. I thought it was harmless. I thought it was tied to a high sex drive. All wrong.
After 2 months of no porn I started to evaluate my own urges...the times when I would use it. More enlightening...the times I CURRENTLY have urges to use it.
Sometimes it was just out of habit, nothing more....but the big player was when I was feeling rejected or abandoned. I used it to fill in relationship gaps inside me....relationship desires within me.
For me, porn was not about sex...it was about my desire to connect with someone. Perhaps more accurately stated....I had a DESIRE to connect with a woman, but had a great FEAR of connecting too.....a really sucky part of having fears of abandonment......
Like my wifes A was not about me, my use of porn was not about her. Certainly we influence each other....but the actual choices are stand alone choices. That pain of rejection and abandonment has been a part of me since age 12...when my parents D and my Dad disappeared from my life completely. Due to coping skills I was quite good at hiding this pain from myself for decades. Porn helped me do that. Total surprise to me......
I mention this because of this.
I used to have so much faith in his morality and honesty - as much as I have in my own.
This resonates with me...except I would change the ending to.......MORE than I had in my own.
I always knew I needed boundaries...felt like I needed them more then most men, needed them FAR more than my wife needed them. I was aware of how vulnerable I was and am to the surface level relationships affairs are.
So my world was seriously rocked by my wifes affair.
Perhaps I was leaning to hard on what I perceived to be her strong moral code...allowing me to NOT work on strengthening my own?
I don't know....hate to waste time thinking on that one as my view of my past is really skewed.
Once my wife broke our vows, killed our commitment.....took our specialness away and gave it so freely to another man.....the urge to engage in full on illicit, meaningless, cheap sex was large. I thank God for a very good male friend who was kindly but gently there for me each step through that dreadful period.
It was like I enjoyed a fantasy life but knew it was fantasy and destructive. At the end of the day I knew my wife and children were worth more than acting on this fantasy...but I did have a very active fantasy life. Once my DD happened I began to wonder if the REAL fantasy, the REAL farce was my M. What had I committed to, why did I.....I was the weaker one.....I should have been the one to stumble this hard.
My wife and I were firsts....and on schedule to be onlys. That was PART of our specialness....the part that I instilled hard boundaries to protect.
But that was not are only specialness.
18 months out here...so take this from that standpoint. I have shared many other special things that are just between my wife and I.....debt struggles, pre mature births, multiple career starts, caring for an elderly parent....all special to us.
The uniqueness of being each others onlys? Yeah, that is never coming back.
To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often. -- Winston Churchill
Change we instigate is more comfortable than change that is thrust upon us. And, while I don't think Churchill ever meant this towards adultery...and adultery is a unique vehicle of change....he makes a good point.
I have had this change thrust upon me. However, I have improved because of it. My M has the potential to improve as well. It is far easier to insure change will improve me than it will our M....but even if just one person changes, improves....the whole dynamic must shift.
God help us all.