The things you don't feel right or authentic about will eventually come if you make this commitment. Just keep doing it. It will feel awkward at first. Give it a chance. The feelings will follow.
i dont wanna be here
And you think she does?
she has given so many chances to me and i feel its only fair that i do the same
How magnanimous What would be "only fair" would be for her to go have sex with four other men, and for you to take her back and never "talk bad of her." (Not that I advocate such behavior. At all.)
i hope this to be a good start on things on here
Your post is selfish, immature, and shows no indication of remorse. Chill out, before you get all defensive...please know you are hardly the first WS to exhibit those characteristics. We all did.
You're going to get some tough advice here. Read it. We've been in your shoes, we are not holier-than-thou. But we did have to pull our heads out of our asses first. You haven't.
she still is taking me back after all them and this time , i think shes crazy and shouldnt do it
How do you feel about your affairs? Do you think they were wrong? Did you enjoy them? Do you still wish you were in them? Do you feel they benefited you as a person? Have you physically and mentally stopped cheating?
Do you think that your wife being nice to you and patting you on the head and loving you to death will make you stop cheating? I mean, obviously not cause you had 4 affairs...
So what's your plan Stan?
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?
i think shes crazy and shouldnt do it
You think she shouldn't do it? Why not? Is it because you have already decided you are not capable of changing? Is it because deep down you don't want to? If the answer is yes to either of these, then you really need to look at how much YOU want to reconcile. Don't waste your BS's time if you are not serious.
I am going to be blunt and tell you that if you really feel this way, do the kind thing and let her go gently. If you don't think you are worth the effort she is willing to put in, then in my opinion, you won't succeed in making enough significant changes to stop your destructive behaviour.
i find it to be very hard because i feel that i dont wanna be here and all but im trying to give it a chance because i never really did all the other times and she has given so many chances to me and i feel its only fair that i do the same ,
Wow, how nice of you to think of her. What are you doing this time that you didn't do before?
Seriously, with that attitude your not going to make the changes you need, you will eventually resent your BW and who knows, relapse into an A again?
You can't do the work on yourself when your not 110% committed to do it. You don't do it out of guilt or 'because its only fair', you do it because your discussted with what you did, who you were and the pain you caused. Your not anywhere near there.
when she talks like that and talks bad of me well i understand shes angry and hurt by what ive done but it makes me wanna just stop trying when she gets like that
Its going to get a hell of a lot harder before it even begins to calm down a bit. Her anger isn't going away anytime soon.
With the attitude you have in this post, do her a favor and leave. Or step of that ladder and get to work.
Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people
When I first started runnng track..I was fast....naturally...but not efficient at all. I was put on a lot of different track teams and relay teams...because I was fast. By the time I got to high school, I finally met a coach who let me know how much better i could be if I were running correctly....He said I am working against myself.
It didnt "feel" right at first. I actually got slower as I was learning a more efficient way to run. But when I learned the RIGHT way to do it...it got easier..I didnt work as hard, I worked more effectively. I had to retrain my muscles to move the right way. I had to make a mindful, deliberate, intentional effort to be more effective. And the more I did it, the better I got and the easier it got. I havent run in 10 years now...but the muscle memory is still there.
^^^^^^^^that is what you gotta work toward. It wont be easy. Marriage is intentional and deliberate...it works because one works at it. Key word WORK....
ETA: You work against yourself when you say you dont know why she is forgiving you, or that you dont wanna be there. Its not going to be easy. Affairs are easy, cheating is easy..work is work, and it can be hard.
[This message edited by NikkiD at 8:19 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]