I have years worth of stories I have never told anyone. But when I look around it seems like they are all on here. The lies and betrayals are all here. I just don't "get it". If he wants someone else, if I'm boring, if she's fun, if I am not enough, why not just say so. Why lie repeatedly. I asked how long has it been going on. I could have walked away then. He said nothing is going on. She's just a friend. When I said I'm not ok with it I'll never be ok with it. He said she's just a friend.
Why do I get to try to make things better? I wasn't good enough. I need to "trim up". I need to clean the house better. He doesn't even want to come home. I need to make him feel better. Why doesn't he think he needs, to make it up to me? Ya, we went on 3 dates right after D-day. 3 nights in a row. After ignoring me for 3 years. Then that's it. He betrayed me. He had the affair. All I asked was stop talking to her. Stop texting her. Stop f-ing her. What do I get? More lies. He tries to hide it better. He doesn't text in front of me. His phone is always on silent. Yet he still has 3,000 more or less texts on the phone bill. After having 99.5% of texts with her, his usage is almost as much but he wants me to believe he's not talking to her. He's texting his brothers and his friends. Maybe 100 of them are between us.
We always had a great sex life. Even while the affair was going on we were very active. Before, even when I was mad at him, I had the attitude of why should I go without. I never withheld sex or played those kind of games. After D-day I had the mind movies and had times when I just went with it. I thought we could get it back. Now I don't care if we have sex at all. Sometimes, I feel like just shoving him away.
Then there's the triggers. Forth of July. First time I caught him in an all out lie. He was at her apartment. Said he was at his dads. My birthday. Remember the one he had stuff to do, couldn't go with us. Pretty sure he was with her. Going to nieces wedding reception. Again he couldn't go. I lied about how busy he was. Driving by the freeway entrance. I remember the time he claimed he was just getting off the freeway. But I had already seen his truck parked somewhere. There are so many of them.